Just tossed my wife out of the house

[eds1275]

Not literally. But told her not to come back. There is no back story. About a year ago she woke up, looked over at me and said "I don't love you any more, and it's over." Since then I have been doing my best to fix stuff but she just isn't receptive. We never had any problems in our relationship that couldn't be solved in an afternoon. She went on some anti depressants previously and have been on them ever since, and after research and talking to people at work (in a hospital) many people myself included believe that they are what causes her to have no feelings about anything.

Anyways lately there has been pressure to sell the house and divide the winnings. She threatened to call the cops on me if I was ever "violent" again. I threw some oven mitts across the kitchen.

[harveybirdman]

I'm sorry man, even if it wasn't meant to be it's gotta be hard to lose the history.

Wishing you resolve and peace of mind.

[dkersten]

I'm sorry to hear that.  Divorce can really shake up your life, even if it is for the better, and no matter how good you think you are doing, chances are good that you are burying something that will explode on you at the worst possible time.  Don't be afraid to lean on family and friends, and if things start to fall apart for you, don't hesitate to seek counseling.  That part was by far the hardest thing I ever had to do - ask for help from other people.

I hope it all works out for you.

[B2K24]

I've always wondered how one person can toss the other person out of the house when both people sign the papers to obtain the home.

[dkersten]

I've always wondered how one person can toss the other person out of the house when both people sign the papers to obtain the home.

Depending on the state, this can be a very tricky situation.  In most states both people have a right to live there, and I have seen many situations were both people live there during and even after the divorce, which can be a VERY difficult thing to deal with.  In some states, it is important not to move out because it is equal to admitting you do not have a right to live there, or to an equal share of the property.  Some states are cut and dry (50/50 split on all marital assets) while some can be much more complicated.  It's a good idea to get an attorney immediately to find out exactly what is what.

In my case it was easy:  My wife told me I will be leaving and still paying for the house.  I laughed.  I then told her that if I leave, she has to come up with half the equity in the house and give it to me, AND she would have to refinance the house solely in her name.  She said she couldn't do that (her credit is shot and although she made enough money, she usually spent it all before paying a single bill).  I, on the other hand, had separated my accounts from hers years before and my credit was over 800, and I had already been paying 100% of the mortgage for several years, so I could both afford to take on the mortgage and had the ability to refinance.  So I kicked her butt out and called it a day.  I still live there, although frankly it felt like a mistake for the first few years.  Now, nearly 6 years later, I feel like it was a great decision.  Took a long time to get there though.

[pbj]

So, any photographs you'd like to share with the forum?

[SNAAKE]

oven mitts throwing is serious bizness. be careful out there bruh

[Xiaou2]

Not literally. But told her not to come back. There is no back story. About a year ago she woke up, looked over at me and said "I don't love you any more, and it's over." Since then I have been doing my best to fix stuff but she just isn't receptive. We never had any problems in our relationship that couldn't be solved in an afternoon. She went on some anti depressants previously and have been on them ever since, and after research and talking to people at work (in a hospital) many people myself included believe that they are what causes her to have no feelings about anything.

Anyways lately there has been pressure to sell the house and divide the winnings. She threatened to call the cops on me if I was ever "violent" again. I threw some oven mitts across the kitchen.

 Sorry to hear.

 However,   there is always many sides to a story...  and while your have your ideas about things.. she may have quite a different perspective on things.   Many people keep their true feeling inside of them...  and play good at hiding things.   This lack of communication, can be their own fault.. but it can also because of failed attempts in the past...  arguments, verbal abuses.. both present and or in the distant past.  (Im not implementing that you did)

 Often when someone says this, it can mean that they have found that they are in fact.. in love with someone else.  Or at least, have been seeing someone else on the side, that they feel may be a better partner.   Else why say it?   If they were on the fence about things... they could have tried to repair or resolve the issues.

 Im guessing her statement of "Violence" was more out of fear of what could be... and the tone, volume, and or language used .. that came from you, in such moments.   Some people are more Auditory in nature...  and so these things effect them more than someone who is more visual, for example.

 The hardest part, is that you might never really discover the real reasons.   Not everyone is kind enough to try to deliver such messages.

 Theoretically speaking... While its possible meds could be partially to blame for the divide,  ... its also possible that depression was the cause of her sticking around longer than she really wanted.    Again, not trying to point any fingers.   Meds can alter a persons feelings.. but can they really alter and destroy a longstanding Loving relationship?    Im having a bit of a hard time with that concept...

 My sympathies, and best regards

[Le Chuck]

That sucks and I'm sorry.  I hate that you've been going through this.  You're good people bro. 

[fablog]

Eds1275, good luck with your new life. We know all it's a very hard moment and all will be better after.... But, it's still hard!!! So, good luck man!

[knave]

Sorry bro, we are here for you.

[Ond]

Sorry to hear this news, I was hoping for you, that things might improve on the marital front, sounds like you certainly tried to work things out.  Best wishes mate, for better days ahead.

[ark_ader]

I was told at an early age not to get married.  I followed that advice and do not regret it ever. 

Stay single and find a girlfriend that likes arcade games.  There are plenty of them out there.

If you do divorce, giver her the house and the car.  Heck give her everything, and move on.

[eds1275]

She came slinking back into the house at like 5am. I stayed up all night feeling guilty about it. She made me breakfast. Thanks everyone who isn't being a ---meecrob---.

[harveybirdman]

She came slinking back into the house at like 5am. I stayed up all night feeling guilty about it. She made me breakfast. Thanks everyone who isn't being a ---meecrob---.

I understand man, my marriage has certainly been through some rough patches, including some complete ---That which is odiferous and causeth plants to grow--- recently.... I'm not going to offer you any advice because everyone's situation is different, I'm just saying I feel you and I hope you get through it one way or another.

I'll just say this, there's very little a marriage can't survive if both people are committed to it's continued existence.

[knave]

I'll just say this, there's very little a marriage can't survive if both people are committed to it's continued existence.

Very true.

Stick to your boundaries...work on yourself...Vent often.

I will gladly offer up the rest of the golden nuggets I learned during my separation and divorce...
Feel free to PM

[Token]

I'll just say this, there's very little a marriage can't survive if both people are committed to it's continued existence.

^^^Best post in this thread.

If you have hope of restoring the relationship, It's amazing what good counseling can do for a broken marriage.

[yotsuya]

I'll just say this, there's very little a marriage can't survive if both people are committed to it's continued existence.

^^^Best post in this thread.

If you have hope of restoring the relationship, It's amazing what good counseling can do for a broken marriage.

Well said by all. Marriage is something you both have to work at.

Good luck. Ed.

[HanoiBoi]

I enjoy seeing the threads where members share more of 'real life', but many times the situations stay with me for a while and I carry true concern and empathy for a few days.

Thanks for sharing Ed.  I know this forum is a decent place to do so.

I don't know your history with your wife - how long you've been with her, whether you have kids I (I think no), but whatever the situation, if you love her do your best to work it out with her. 

If it's the depressants that are making her less affectionate which in turn make you unhappy, which makes her unhappy, etc., try to see what you can do to get her off of them.  Not overnight, but eventually.

Best of luck with everything.

[jdbailey1206]

Harveybirdman has done an excellent job of explaining what needs to be done in a relationship.  Both sides have to work through the hard times.  It is extremely difficult when prescription drugs are involved because they can tend to cause the person taking them not act like themselves and their significant other needs to realize when to step back and not lose their composure.  Which happens.  And if it does one needs to be smart enough to take notice when they have over reacted. 

And if ties are severed no one will judge you for the actions you take.  Sometimes doing this can be healthy for both people in the relationship. 

[pbj]

I think you should sell the ---smurfette---'s car and buy yourself a cool guitar.

[TopJimmyCooks]

Stay strong bro. 

[dkersten]

Relationships are work, even more so after you get married, and times ten when you have kids.  But human nature is to lean toward complacency, which I believe is why so many marriages fail.

So many people stick to bad relationships and make it worse by getting married or having kids, thinking that commitment or responsibility will make it all better.  It doesn't.  The fear of starting over, or being alone, can be enough to keep people in a relationship where they are lying to themselves about being happy.  Add money and kids to the equation and many feel trapped and see divorce as the worst possible outcome, even though it would probably make their life better in the end.

In my opinion, if the person you are with is making you miserable, then all the trying in the world is not going to change it.  Cut the cord and start over.

There are no easy answers, and no "one size fits all" solution.  In my case, looking back over the 18 years I was married, I feel like my life was "in neutral" for all that time.  Once free of the series of mistakes that led me to marriage, I got to experience true happiness for the first time in my life.  About a year after my divorce, I took my middle daughter to lunch with me and the woman I was dating at the time.  Halfway through lunch my daughter looked at me and said "Dad, I think this is the first time I have ever seen you laugh."  She was 16 years old at the time, and had never seen me laugh.  What the hell kind of life was I living while married?

Divorce is not all good though, and being single when you are older can really suck.  And keep in mind, ANY relationship takes effort, compromise, and usually change as well.  Every time you start over you need to start completely clean with no assumptions (harder to do than you think, especially after being married), and it can take years in a relationship before you will know if it will work in the longer term, so all that effort can be wasted.  And even if your marriage was keeping you from being happy, going from being miserable to being happy can be bad too, because with extreme highs come extreme lows.  The lows can break a person (it nearly broke me).

You have to be completely honest with yourself, which means stripping away the comfort of your current life and asking yourself some hard questions. 

If you decide you love your wife and want to get her to fall in love with you again, then you need to commit fully to it.  It will most likely require you to change.  If you are going to wait for her to change first before committing to anything, then good luck, it didn't work out for me.  If you think you are not the problem and she just needs to see things from your perspective (or get off the meds), then you need to go see a lawyer right now, and run, don't walk because you are wasting your time and you aren't getting any younger.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and sincerely hope that you find happiness in whatever path you choose. 

[CheffoJeffo]

Ed -- so very sorry to hear what is happening. I won't offer any wise words regarding relationships as so much of the advice I have ever received in that vein has been wrong. As has much of the advice I have given.

One area when I will offer some thought has to do with depression and medication. Mental illness and the myriad treatments can be really hard to decipher and harder to deal with. I presume there was a reason that your wife started taking ADs beyond merely feeling sad (since that isn't what depression is). Medication is tricky and, in my experience, can take years to get right. It needs to be actively monitored and adjusted, preferably by someone like a Pharmapsychiatrist who has extensive experience and can "get to the right" solution more quickly. I would recommend a large grain of salt regarding advice from laypeople who understand neither the illness nor the treatments (this layperson included).

However things unfold, I wish you the best.

Be well.
 

[eds1275]

I think you should sell the ---smurfette---'s car and buy yourself a cool guitar.

I already have the raddest guitar ever, a gibson custom shop flying V with a les paul neck.

[smalltownguy]

Ouch. Tough situation. One of my best friends just experienced his wife having a mid life crisis. Almost overnight his wife turned into a different person. It was shocking. It ended in divorce.

I pray that you guys find peace, whatever the outcome.