Bye?

[yotsuya]

I'd just as soon not know people's political leanings, especially if they veer too far in either direction.

When I haunted it, I was surprised at how many users posted just in that section and no others.  They rarely had any involvement in the hobby whatsoever.  Do what thou wilt but it seemed unusual to seek out political and religious arguments on an arcade related forum that you weren't particularly invested in.

I noticed that, too. That stuff just isn't for me. It's bad enough when family members post their nutjob leanings on Facebook. I'm not going to actively seek it out.

[Generic Eric]

I'd just as soon not know people's political leanings, especially if they veer too far in either direction.

When I haunted it, I was surprised at how many users posted just in that section and no others.  They rarely had any involvement in the hobby whatsoever.  Do what thou wilt but it seemed unusual to seek out political and religious arguments on an arcade related forum that you weren't particularly invested in.

I like to watch.  And make snarky comments as well as puns in and out of taste.  It doesn't make for much of thread. 

I'd have just as much success convincing a person to read a Canticle for Lebowitz as I would persuade them to adopt a political view.  That said, everyone should read that book. 

We wouldn't see it here on our political forums, but I hope that everyone is active in their own community.  If you want a library in your town, you have to support the library.  Everyone should read up on municipal internet. 

The last thing I'll say in about politics out in the open is that a person can have whatever ideology they want, but everyone should feel welcome, nay, obligated! to call them on ---That which is odiferous and causeth plants to grow--- when it is presented as fact.



----

As far as OP...  Get help.  If you are savvy enough to get internet in your situation, find yourself some help/peace.

[pbj]

Another odd book along similar themes is The Eleventh Commandment by Lester Del Rey.  You'd probably enjoy it.

[Xiaou2]

Never once when someone asked me for advice.. from a really bad situation,  did I ever, nor would I ever say  "Your doing it wrong".

 That IS elitists, insensitive, and Assumptive.

 Roll a set of dice, and if a 6 pops up... "Your doing it wrong!"   
Now, what if you roll that 6 three times in a row...    Still your fault?

 This is simply random chaos.   You could get hit by lightning, mugged by gunpoint, and get a bad virus.. all in the same week.   You just cant label everything that life lays down, as a "Choice", or Your Fault.    Is it your fault if you have a bad deformity.. and have a hard time getting people to actually Hire you?  (I dont, but its valid example)

 Zakk, you sound like one of those "Perfectionist Elitists"...  whom with very little applied effort, you can pretty much figure out and master things quickly... and probably are rolling your eyes, and calling others "Stupid Idiots"  and laying down harsh criticisms left and right.  Your probably ONLY ever happy when you are getting your way.  And you probably stoop to any means, to get your way.  Because you simple dont have a conscience, nor any empathy. Borderline psychopath?   Probably a Bipolar and ADD mix,  possible phobic tendencies.

 Ahh, thats right...  I just happened to run into such a person, who seemed quite nice.  Moved in.  Helped him with some things...  then quickly found out that he matched that very definition.  Bat Crap Crazy.   Ill be heading back to sleep in the minivan again tomorrow morning.  Yay!

 My fault, for not bringing a professional psychologist to talk to him first ehh?   My bad!

 Well, guess I should never have spilled the Debt figures..  mostly because people dont seem to understand the Relativity to the circumstances.  13k isnt much if your making a steady mid grade income.  Sadly, without a college backing,  only a handful of jellybeans in my head,  jobs tend to be low paying and usually contract / temporary.    Add a 80% food cost increase..  and then, take out the family / wife / GF help factor.   Splitting costs always helps greatly financially.

 Yeah, I did it wrong... mostly in my younger years.  Who could blame me.   I was a kid in poverty, given no love.. only verbal and mental abuses, by family, and outside of school.  I was told I wouldnt amount to anything daily... and threatened to be kicked out every few weeks.  Hated life, myself, my horribly crooked teeth. (Dentists quoted repairs later in life to be over 11k)   My girlish looks (as a kid). That I was thin and weak.. and couldnt put on muscle mass / weight.  Always tired all the time.  Always hungry.  Didnt have any nice clothing to wear.  Almost no toys to speak of.  No personal radio, until I was maybe in 8th grade.  Uncoordinated.. always picked last in gym.    Slow in school... the last one to finish a test.  Poor memory retention.   Horrible with woman...  didnt have a girlfriend until age 20... and she was a user + abuser.   I was neglected and alone most of my early life,  and I constantly felt like there was a hole in my chest that burned in fire pains.  The pain of being completely alone, and unloved, was nearly unbearable.  My desperation for attention and affection, with no self worth or value... would later cause me to accept bad treatment from woman ... as it was all I felt that I deserved.

 With so much hate, abuse, sadness, and depression ... I really didnt care much about life.  Thought about suicide regularly for much of my life.   When I wasnt thinking about suicide, I was often in and out of deep depression states.  Id sit for hours, watching people chat in chatrooms... feeling horrible and in tears, wishing I had what it took to be able to connect, afford, and Deserve a loving relationship.  I had bouts when I was torn up about not having a loving and supportive family...  somehow thinking that if only that were so... Id feel and be a much stronger person...

 As such, a person like this isnt paying much if any attention in school.  Doesnt think he has a future worth investing in.  Only thinks about what he can do... to survive each day.

 It took me more than half of my life to slay all of the demons.   Stopping the recycled negative impressed reactions that both mother and father had subconsciously gifted into me.   Growing a sense of humor (not seen here in words, but yeah, I can laugh at my own expense, when its teasing and not actually meant as aggressive / passive aggressive)   Learning to smile..  (took like 1 yr to get the muscles in my face developed enough to actually show a smile.  Thats how bad I felt back then , almost never had a reason to smile.)    To learn to accept myself and my flaws.  Took martial arts and gained actual grace, strength, skill and power.  Got better with woman... though sadly... always seemed to catch the psychos.  Got myself out from merely washing dishes... into other areas of skills... such as computer repair.   Never would have imagined back then,  that I would have ended up being a store manger, or anything tech related.

  Ive pushed myself hard... but still, I have cranial limitations.   The capable people always say  "Ohh, you can do that... its Easy!".   They have no idea what its like to be missing some wires.   They have a F1 race car up stairs... and I have a rusted out Yugo.

 Turned out that the Allergies to wheat, probably caused such a slow and poorly developed brain... as well as other things.

 FYI:

 In Kindergarten, I missed more than half of it because I was always sick. I also remember the very pictures on the walls were moving and talking at times... I had a runaway imagination or something.  Went away by 1st grade or before.

 Got sent to Pre-first, due to missing so much kindergarten.  It was discovered I had Dyslexia (seeing and writing letters / numbers upside down, backwards..etc),  I also had a speech impediment.  Couldnt make the "S" sound. Funny, being that my name is Steve.  Always slow and last to finish tests. Having a really difficult time.

 They thought I would get injured badly in gym class,  due to my small size and frail nature... so they tried to lump me into the mentally handicapped group.  I was slow... but not like that.  I was pissed.  Fought hard, and got myself back in regular gym, and regular classes.  Dyslexia seemed to correct itself. (I think I still have it.. but brain has developed a decoder routine.. which may limited my brains full potentials)  And overcame the speech issues.

 In 1st grade,  even after being held back a year, and starting late... I was the shortest kid in the class, including the woman.  It would be years before that changed...  and even then, I really didnt get strong and bulk a little but, till I was in my mid twenties.  I was 6ft tall, 145 lbs, with a 31 waist, before age 20.
After the arts I get to something between 150 - 165..  32"  waist.   Older and desk jobs...and Ive hit a slightly gushy midsection of 35- 36" @ 180 lbs.


 Forgot to add...  I did eventually get over my loneliness issues, after meeting a few too many insane woman.   It was fun for a while... but now Im fairly scared to get into any relationship..  and Im quite fine being by myself now.   I also overcame the crappy parent thing... after I realized how messed up they were... and that they never were going to change.  They would always be poison, and I just didnt need them to feel good about myself.  In fact, its was quite the opposite.  They kept me in a bad place...  where as good friends helped support and elevate me.  Ive proudly not spoken to either of them in over 10 yrs.  I also cut myself from all the rest of the family, after seeing that they all had the same toxic mental health issues.  I happened to be the least effected in that manor... luckily.

 Father - A psychopathic narcissist,  with phobias, ADD, and some Bipolarism.   Compulsive gambler,  insanely abusive and criminally crazy ...when drunk.
Mother - Also Bipolar.

 Both experts at manipulation, and abuse.


 I dont tell my story for attention, or sympathy.  I tell it for those it may help.

[dkersten]

Perhaps my biggest flaw is not being able to let something go...

Sometimes things happen out of your control.  Having a crappy and abusive father, for example.  Nothing you could have done would ever have changed that.  But being struck by lightning, that is almost 100% avoidable.  Getting mugged at gunpoint, again, probably 99% avoidable.  When things like this happen, you have a choice, you can wallow in self pity about it or you can admit to yourself that you made the mistake of dancing in the rain under a tall tree during a lightning storm, or taking a shortcut through the alley downtown at 2 am.  My brother got mugged once.. was at a bar on New Years Eve, woke up 6 hours later in the hospital.  After a few weeks he pieced together what happened.  He didn't want to stand in lines at the nicer bars, so he went to a dive bar.  He got money from the ATM inside the bar with shady patrons watching.  He hit on some skanky chick who probably dropped a rufie in his drink while he was getting cash, and then he cut through a dark park instead of sticking to the well lit sidewalks that added 200 feet to his walk home.  They hit him in the head with a crowbar and he faceplanted on the asphalt walkway.  He still has bad scars on his face.  But he admits he was completely at fault.  It was his own stupidity.  What did he do about it?  He stopped going to bars like that, he moved out of downtown after saving for a few years, and never did the things that lead to it.  He learned from his mistakes.

There is nothing wrong with making mistakes.  There is nothing wrong with admitting you made mistakes.  But until you own up to the responsibilities, you will keep making mistakes.  Instead, you hide from them but still make them.  You dated crazy women.. First off, all women are crazy, but some less so.  Instead of learning what attracts women, you just curled up and stopped dating.  So you are lonely now and pretend you love being lonely.  I have been hurt by women a lot, especially in the past 5 years.  I was much like you as a kid, the geek, the nerd, the physically unable, shunned by the guys, ignored by the girls.  Didn't have a real girlfriend until 18 years old and out of high school.  Married the GF I got pregnant (and turned out I wasn't even the one who knocked her up, although I raised the boy as my own and 22 years later he is my son in every way as far as I am concerned).  I got married because I felt it was the easier way to go, and after 17 years I finally couldn't bear it any more.  I have fallen in love since then, had my heart broken so badly I am still cautious.  I am not handsome, I am not rich, and I am not athletic, but I have women banging down the doors to get to me these days.  My steady GF for the last couple years has been a former stripper, crazy in a bottle, but fun as hell to be with.  I keep her at arms length and just enjoy the ride without the roller coaster of emotions.  I have a handful of female friends who would all date me in a second if I allowed it, and some of them are potentially good partners.  The point is, I went from being that guy in high school and even college who didn't know how to talk to a girl, couldn't attract any but the really crazy, fat, and desperate ones, and in general had no idea what I was doing to admitting that I am the one who influences my destiny.  I learned what makes women tick and how to pick them up, then learned what they really are like inside so I am not just playing them, and since then I have been able to find satisfaction in my life in that department.  I would say it isn't rocket science, but really it can be more than rocket science.  I will give you a hint though:  If you don't love yourself and aren't happy, women won't even give you a second glance.

Look, you had some things in your life that sucked growing up, and those are now your crutch.  You need to learn how to be happy with your life, and as long as your past is a crutch you aren't going to find that happiness, and all the things that have gotten you down are going to keep happening until you ask yourself how each one happened.

Nobody is in control of anything, but you have influence over how your life goes.  If you can't figure out how to influence things in your direction then you might as well just give up and curl up in a corner and let the world keep pounding you into nothing.  It will never happen over night, it will never be an easy road, and you WILL have failures.  Failure is just practice for success.  Sure, some of this might sound cliché, but it's because it's the truth.  Start by telling yourself that you are better than all this, because until you believe that you won't ever make it any further in life. 

[deadmoney5]

yes..ALL women worth a ---steaming pile of meadow muffin--- are crazy.  Hopefully the one you happen to stay with is the kind of crazy you can deal with. (and maybe even like!)

[dkersten]

yes..ALL women worth a ---steaming pile of meadow muffin--- are crazy.  Hopefully the one you happen to stay with is the kind of crazy you can deal with. (and maybe even like!)

Doesn't get any more true than that.

[Le Chuck]

Roll a set of dice, and if a 6 pops up... "Your doing it wrong!"   
Now, what if you roll that 6 three times in a row...    Still your fault?

 This is simply random chaos.   You could get hit by lightning, mugged by gunpoint, and get a bad virus.. all in the same week.   You just cant label everything that life lays down, as a "Choice", or Your Fault.    Is it your fault if you have a bad deformity.. and have a hard time getting people to actually Hire you?  (I dont, but its valid example)

You're beloved martial arts teaches self discipline and the importance of taking responsibility for your actions, yet you publish justifications and equate your life to a roll of the dice.  Which is it?   

I would say "Man the ---fudgesicle--- up" but that is so gender biased and a bit over rude, so let's go with, "Have some intestinal fortitude and quit making excuses". 

There are a lot of people who have succeeded despite very real disabilities, suffering horrible physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, have parents or parent analogs that are total basket cases.  They just got a lucky roll of the dice?  ---fudgesicle--- that, they were disciplined.  Don't take that away from them with your self serving malarky, don't you dare.  Because when you play the fate card against yourself you're playing it against everyone and belittling their accomplishments to make you feel better about your lack thereof. 

Enjoy your wallow in self pity tho, seems to really be taking you places in life. 

[lilshawn]

I like how everyone says stuff.  This is fun.

Also, by show of hands, how many of us would be SCREWED if they lost their job tomorrow? If their house burned down? If their wife left them/died? Honestly. really think about it.

I wouldn't say I live paycheck to paycheck, (I live quite comfortably) but I also have 3 kids to feed who depend on me... a house and cars to pay for. I currently have no savings. Zero. (just recently spent EVERYTHING I have to put a down payment on a house) If I lost my job and wasn't able to secure another relatively soon, I'd be screwed and living in my car as well. (which would also be repo'd in short order). If my house burned down, luckily I have insurance to cover it...something some people aren't fortunate enough to have. But what if they didn't pay up. how long would it take them to pay it out. Screwed. If my wife up and left me or heaven forbid, died... I would have absolutely no idea what to do next. Hell, I'm not 100% sure what company we buy our natural gas and power from now. I'd have to find someone to take care of my kids while i work. an extra expense that right now, would cripple me.

I believe we can control a great deal of our fate, but there is still the "chaos" or "random chance" or "roll of the dice" as it was put, to it as well. a vast majority of the time it is easy enough to deal with. But those who live "teetering on the edge"... one tiny thing can throw a wrench in the works. a combination of failing health, increasing debt, and troubles with the old lady/man in your life... something small and normally inconsequential is a huge deal throwing the delicate balance that is Xiaou's life, off the pole and onto the floor.

there is no need to place blame here or there, just get up and get back in the running. the longer you delay, the harder it will be to get back. Just sayin'
</soapbox>

[BadMouth]

how many of us would be SCREWED if they lost their job tomorrow?

I'd probably be much better off as far as my physical and mental health go.
The only reason I stay here is because they'll put up with anything I do (such as browsing BYOAC throughout the day) because they know I'm putting up with a lot from them.
I have enough in savings to get by for 3 or 4 months before tapping into retirement.

If their house burned down?

Being that I'm in the middle of renovating a house was shoddily constructed to begin with and hasn't been maintained for decades...... 
Waiting for it to be rebuilt would suck, but I'd have a much better structure. 
There would be a short period of mourning the loss of all the work I've already put into it.

  If their wife left them/died?

Already happened.  The first option.  I hoped for the second option, but it didn't happen.
Damn I miss my old house.

[deadmoney5]

There's always going to be people who were born on 3rd base and think they hit a triple.  Donald Trump, Paris Hilton, Kardashians come to mind.

[BadMouth]

Once upon a time, I was arrogant.  (maybe still am, but nothing like I used to be)

I thought if everyone just did the things I did, made the good decisions I made, and thought like me....then their life would be great like mine.
Then life handed ---my bottom--- to me.

Before that, I'd probably dealt unfairly with depressed coworkers and subordinates who I thought just refused to get their ---steaming pile of meadow muffin--- together. 
In retrospect, I see they were dealing with depression and just trying to get through another day.
I was wrong and should have been more empathetic.

The weird part is that before becoming an arrogant ass, I was depressed and dysfunctional.  I thought I had fought my way through, been rewarded for good decisions, and was enjoying the life I built for myself.  I too have come to view life as a crapshoot and I just got a few lucky rolls during that stage of my life.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
.....and always remember to wear sunscreen.

[Le Chuck]

I don't see how self congratulation or self berating adjusts the outcome of one's decisions after the fact, but I certainly see how self pity can keep you from making good decisions in the future.  My brother has spent his life behind bars due to his decisions.  I have worked my way up from the lowest enlisted rank to command formations in the military through mine.  My brother has rarely taken responsibility for his decisions whereas I do my darndest to own up to my decisions both right and wrong (like posting in this thread, which is a wrong decision).  I see that as the defining characteristic between us and one of the characteristics I find prevalent in influential leaders in my life.  My brother was the smarter, better looking, and more athletic of the two of us, hell the guy even has (had?) perfect pitch.  We had nearly identical upbringings so what was the deal?  He got a case of bad luck, a bad roll of the die?  Not buying it.  He his culpable for his life as I am culpable for mine.     

[Vigo]

X, I just have to say you do seem a bit focused on the past here. All things aside, you are in a tough place, but I don't know what your childhood necessarily has to do with your plan to better your situation. Does whether or not you were picked last in gym class going to change your plan to get a new job? Does being sick in Kindergarten mean that you are not going to do everything in your power to to find a real place to live? You can't change your past, but you can choose whether or not to let it eat away at your future.

You shouldn't be bothering with the questions of if an abusive father is what got you here, you should be asking the questions of how to get out of the mess. That is the here and now, and that is what matters. A number of people posted very valuable and practical advice. Welfare, file bankruptcy, go on food stamps, get medicaid, stay at a YMCA or other boarding place, seek help at a church, etc. I am a bit surprised you haven't made a single comment towards any of that advice given. You come back here fight with Zakk because his pill is too bitter to swallow, and point out how your past got you here. You got people doing trying there hardest here to offer you the best of their experiences, knowledge and kindness trying to help you pick yourself up because they care. Maybe converse on the help given with a troubleshooting mindset and you might be able to solve a few problems. 

And I say this all with the sincerest attitude, because I really do care about you.  Good Luck and look towards the future.

[dkersten]

EXCELLENT post Le Chuck

I too believe that if I lost my job, I would have another before my short term savings ran out, and in the worst case scenarios, I would dip into retirement savings which would last me another year or two.  Those savings accounts didn't magically appear, and while I am fortunate that I am doing decently financially, it took many years of sacrifice and work to get what I have.

If my house burned to the ground, as long as nobody was hurt it would be great.  I would still have the property and my insurance would pay for a nicer house and nicer stuff than I have now.  Heck, I would probably add money into it to come up with something better.

I am already divorced, and between the divorce and other stuff with my kids, as well as some failed relationships after divorce, I spiraled to a low point that literally nearly ended my life.  I sought help, the toughest thing I ever did, and between that help and my own will to have a better life, I pulled out of it (took nearly two years) and I am a better person for it.

I don't think I am arrogant for feeling that if others worked as hard as I did that they could be happy in life.  I believe that for everything that is good, something equally bad will come along to balance it out.  No matter how hard you work, how good of a person you are to others, or how much you try to do the right thing, bad stuff is going to happen.  It is simply a fact of life.  Also, everyone has a bad part of their personality, something dark and evil, and chances are the more "good" they appear on the outside, the darker they are on the inside.  As soon as you can accept that bad stuff will happen to you and there is nothing you can do to stop it, and the people in your life will most likely let you down at some point, you can just move on from it.  It's life, and if you want to be happy, quit worrying about when you will be hurt by it next time.  It is coming, and how you react and recover is what will determine your future, nothing else.  You may never make as much as I do even if you work twice as hard, but I guarantee if you live beneath your means you will always stay out of debt.  You may never meet someone you will love, but if you keep trying you will find moments of happiness.  You may never have the best health in the world, but if you exercise and don't eat horribly you will be healthier than if you don't.  It isn't about comparing your life with others, it is about finding what you love most about life and working to keep that.

[Zakk]

Never once when someone asked me for advice.. from a really bad situation,  did I ever, nor would I ever say  "Your doing it wrong".

 That IS elitists, insensitive, and Assumptive.

 Roll a set of dice, and if a 6 pops up... "Your doing it wrong!"   
Now, what if you roll that 6 three times in a row...    Still your fault?

 This is simply random chaos.   You could get hit by lightning, mugged by gunpoint, and get a bad virus.. all in the same week.   You just cant label everything that life lays down, as a "Choice", or Your Fault.    Is it your fault if you have a bad deformity.. and have a hard time getting people to actually Hire you?  (I dont, but its valid example)

 Zakk, you sound like one of those "Perfectionist Elitists"...  whom with very little applied effort, you can pretty much figure out and master things quickly... and probably are rolling your eyes, and calling others "Stupid Idiots"  and laying down harsh criticisms left and right.  Your probably ONLY ever happy when you are getting your way.  And you probably stoop to any means, to get your way.  Because you simple dont have a conscience, nor any empathy. Borderline psychopath?   Probably a Bipolar and ADD mix,  possible phobic tendencies.

 Ahh, thats right...  I just happened to run into such a person, who seemed quite nice.  Moved in.  Helped him with some things...  then quickly found out that he matched that very definition.  Bat Crap Crazy.   Ill be heading back to sleep in the minivan again tomorrow morning.  Yay!

 My fault, for not bringing a professional psychologist to talk to him first ehh?   My bad!

 Well, guess I should never have spilled the Debt figures..  mostly because people dont seem to understand the Relativity to the circumstances.  13k isnt much if your making a steady mid grade income.  Sadly, without a college backing,  only a handful of jellybeans in my head,  jobs tend to be low paying and usually contract / temporary.    Add a 80% food cost increase..  and then, take out the family / wife / GF help factor.   Splitting costs always helps greatly financially.

 Yeah, I did it wrong... mostly in my younger years.  Who could blame me.   I was a kid in poverty, given no love.. only verbal and mental abuses, by family, and outside of school.  I was told I wouldnt amount to anything daily... and threatened to be kicked out every few weeks.  Hated life, myself, my horribly crooked teeth. (Dentists quoted repairs later in life to be over 11k)   My girlish looks (as a kid). That I was thin and weak.. and couldnt put on muscle mass / weight.  Always tired all the time.  Always hungry.  Didnt have any nice clothing to wear.  Almost no toys to speak of.  No personal radio, until I was maybe in 8th grade.  Uncoordinated.. always picked last in gym.    Slow in school... the last one to finish a test.  Poor memory retention.   Horrible with woman...  didnt have a girlfriend until age 20... and she was a user + abuser.   I was neglected and alone most of my early life,  and I constantly felt like there was a hole in my chest that burned in fire pains.  The pain of being completely alone, and unloved, was nearly unbearable.  My desperation for attention and affection, with no self worth or value... would later cause me to accept bad treatment from woman ... as it was all I felt that I deserved.

 With so much hate, abuse, sadness, and depression ... I really didnt care much about life.  Thought about suicide regularly for much of my life.   When I wasnt thinking about suicide, I was often in and out of deep depression states.  Id sit for hours, watching people chat in chatrooms... feeling horrible and in tears, wishing I had what it took to be able to connect, afford, and Deserve a loving relationship.  I had bouts when I was torn up about not having a loving and supportive family...  somehow thinking that if only that were so... Id feel and be a much stronger person...

 As such, a person like this isnt paying much if any attention in school.  Doesnt think he has a future worth investing in.  Only thinks about what he can do... to survive each day.

 It took me more than half of my life to slay all of the demons.   Stopping the recycled negative impressed reactions that both mother and father had subconsciously gifted into me.   Growing a sense of humor (not seen here in words, but yeah, I can laugh at my own expense, when its teasing and not actually meant as aggressive / passive aggressive)   Learning to smile..  (took like 1 yr to get the muscles in my face developed enough to actually show a smile.  Thats how bad I felt back then , almost never had a reason to smile.)    To learn to accept myself and my flaws.  Took martial arts and gained actual grace, strength, skill and power.  Got better with woman... though sadly... always seemed to catch the psychos.  Got myself out from merely washing dishes... into other areas of skills... such as computer repair.   Never would have imagined back then,  that I would have ended up being a store manger, or anything tech related.

  Ive pushed myself hard... but still, I have cranial limitations.   The capable people always say  "Ohh, you can do that... its Easy!".   They have no idea what its like to be missing some wires.   They have a F1 race car up stairs... and I have a rusted out Yugo.

 Turned out that the Allergies to wheat, probably caused such a slow and poorly developed brain... as well as other things.

 FYI:

 In Kindergarten, I missed more than half of it because I was always sick. I also remember the very pictures on the walls were moving and talking at times... I had a runaway imagination or something.  Went away by 1st grade or before.

 Got sent to Pre-first, due to missing so much kindergarten.  It was discovered I had Dyslexia (seeing and writing letters / numbers upside down, backwards..etc),  I also had a speech impediment.  Couldnt make the "S" sound. Funny, being that my name is Steve.  Always slow and last to finish tests. Having a really difficult time.

 They thought I would get injured badly in gym class,  due to my small size and frail nature... so they tried to lump me into the mentally handicapped group.  I was slow... but not like that.  I was pissed.  Fought hard, and got myself back in regular gym, and regular classes.  Dyslexia seemed to correct itself. (I think I still have it.. but brain has developed a decoder routine.. which may limited my brains full potentials)  And overcame the speech issues.

 In 1st grade,  even after being held back a year, and starting late... I was the shortest kid in the class, including the woman.  It would be years before that changed...  and even then, I really didnt get strong and bulk a little but, till I was in my mid twenties.  I was 6ft tall, 145 lbs, with a 31 waist, before age 20.
After the arts I get to something between 150 - 165..  32"  waist.   Older and desk jobs...and Ive hit a slightly gushy midsection of 35- 36" @ 180 lbs.


 Forgot to add...  I did eventually get over my loneliness issues, after meeting a few too many insane woman.   It was fun for a while... but now Im fairly scared to get into any relationship..  and Im quite fine being by myself now.   I also overcame the crappy parent thing... after I realized how messed up they were... and that they never were going to change.  They would always be poison, and I just didnt need them to feel good about myself.  In fact, its was quite the opposite.  They kept me in a bad place...  where as good friends helped support and elevate me.  Ive proudly not spoken to either of them in over 10 yrs.  I also cut myself from all the rest of the family, after seeing that they all had the same toxic mental health issues.  I happened to be the least effected in that manor... luckily.

 Father - A psychopathic narcissist,  with phobias, ADD, and some Bipolarism.   Compulsive gambler,  insanely abusive and criminally crazy ...when drunk.
Mother - Also Bipolar.

 Both experts at manipulation, and abuse.


 I dont tell my story for attention, or sympathy.  I tell it for those it may help.

I think you get it all wrong.  I don't dislike you, nor does anybody else on here, why would we, this is a hobby website, a place to come for fun and relax. I may be elitist, and hey who doesn't like getting their own way.

If it helps I have a degree in psychology, it probably doesn't, and I know you think my advice is worthless, but you need to stop assuming everyone is out to get you.  You subconsciously are attracting that negative energy by always looking for and finding the worst in people. 

The fact that you can write a paragraph that is legible shows that you're not stupid, or set with half a working brain, again, if you keep telling yourself that, then you will make it happen.  When someone defines themselves a certain way, they will set things in motion to make it a reality.  From an early age it sounds like you have assumed you're less worthy, and you subconsciously work at proving that true.  I don't think it is, and when I say something like "you're doing it wrong" I mean you are setting yourself up for these setbacks and failures, and yes I believe you are bringing it on yourself by always assuming bad things will happen.  When I say change your outlook I don't mean think of butterflies and moonbeams, but try to assume you will succeed instead of worrying you will fail.  You know what I mean?  I'm not criticizing I'm just pointing out fact.  I have nothing to gain by shooting you down, but I also have nothing invested in seeing you succeed.  You simply have to do it yourself, and I think you can.  Whether I am rooting for you or not, is moot, because you should be rooting for yourself.

[Zakk]

I don't see how self congratulation or self berating adjusts the outcome of one's decisions after the fact, but I certainly see how self pity can keep you from making good decisions in the future.  My brother has spent his life behind bars due to his decisions.  I have worked my way up from the lowest enlisted rank to command formations in the military through mine.  My brother has rarely taken responsibility for his decisions whereas I do my darndest to own up to my decisions both right and wrong (like posting in this thread, which is a wrong decision).  I see that as the defining characteristic between us and one of the characteristics I find prevalent in influential leaders in my life.  My brother was the smarter, better looking, and more athletic of the two of us, hell the guy even has (had?) perfect pitch.  We had nearly identical upbringings so what was the deal?  He got a case of bad luck, a bad roll of the die?  Not buying it.  He his culpable for his life as I am culpable for mine.     

The old story: A reporter came and interviewed myself and my brother.  I, am the CEO of a major shipping company, and my brother is behind bars for murder.  The reporter asked us both the same question, and we both gave identical answers.

Reporter: "how is it you came to be who you are today?"

Both brothers: "My father was an abusive drunk, who beat my mother, my brother and myself all the time, he was a lifelong criminal and ended up serving life in prison for murder.  With a father like that, how else could I have turned out".


That story stuck with me for years and years now.  I don't even know if it's based on a real pair of brothers or not, but WOW food for thought.

[HanoiBoi]

Also, everyone has a bad part of their personality, something dark and evil, and chances are the more "good" they appear on the outside, the darker they are on the inside. 

@dkersten:  Do you truly believe this?

@Xteve: Generally, people are rooting for you.  Root for yourself too! 

[Zakk]

Also, everyone has a bad part of their personality, something dark and evil, and chances are the more "good" they appear on the outside, the darker they are on the inside. 

@dkersten:  Do you truly believe this?

@Xteve: Generally, people are rooting for you.  Root for yourself too! 

If his logic holds, I must just be all awesome on the inside

[Le Chuck]

Also, everyone has a bad part of their personality, something dark and evil, and chances are the more "good" they appear on the outside, the darker they are on the inside. 

@dkersten:  Do you truly believe this?

@Xteve: Generally, people are rooting for you.  Root for yourself too! 

If his logic holds, I must just be all awesome on the inside

And I must be the devil

[deadmoney5]

Also, everyone has a bad part of their personality, something dark and evil, and chances are the more "good" they appear on the outside, the darker they are on the inside. 

@dkersten:  Do you truly believe this?

@Xteve: Generally, people are rooting for you.  Root for yourself too! 

I ABSOLUTELY believe this.  Those who preach the loudest usually have the most to hide.  100% true.  Every time I see a religious zealot pointing and ranting about something "evil", I always say "Imagine the crap on that person's computer"

[deadmoney5]

I think you get it all wrong.  I don't dislike you, nor does anybody else on here, why would we, this is a hobby website, a place to come for fun and relax. I may be elitist, and hey who doesn't like getting their own way.

If it helps I have a degree in psychology, it probably doesn't, and I know you think my advice is worthless, but you need to stop assuming everyone is out to get you.  You subconsciously are attracting that negative energy by always looking for and finding the worst in people. 

The fact that you can write a paragraph that is legible shows that you're not stupid, or set with half a working brain, again, if you keep telling yourself that, then you will make it happen.  When someone defines themselves a certain way, they will set things in motion to make it a reality.  From an early age it sounds like you have assumed you're less worthy, and you subconsciously work at proving that true.  I don't think it is, and when I say something like "you're doing it wrong" I mean you are setting yourself up for these setbacks and failures, and yes I believe you are bringing it on yourself by always assuming bad things will happen.  When I say change your outlook I don't mean think of butterflies and moonbeams, but try to assume you will succeed instead of worrying you will fail.  You know what I mean?  I'm not criticizing I'm just pointing out fact.  I have nothing to gain by shooting you down, but I also have nothing invested in seeing you succeed.  You simply have to do it yourself, and I think you can.  Whether I am rooting for you or not, is moot, because you should be rooting for yourself.

 
I can admit when I was wrong.  THAT is good advice.

 

[yotsuya]

Also, everyone has a bad part of their personality, something dark and evil, and chances are the more "good" they appear on the outside, the darker they are on the inside. 

I ABSOLUTELY believe this.  Those who preach the loudest usually have the most to hide.  100% true.  Every time I see a religious zealot pointing and ranting about something "evil", I always say "Imagine the crap on that person's computer"

I tend to disagree with this. Sure, some people are hypocrites, but I don't think it's an automatic, 100% of the time fact that the more "good" you appear, the darker you really are. Is the opposite true? Did Josef Stalin have a secret stash of puppies and kitten he cuddled with?

[Vigo]

Why do you think I have an evil dude as my avatar? So people trust me!

#carpathiankittenloss

[yotsuya]

Why do you think I have an evil dude as my avatar? So people trust me!

#carpathiankittenloss

I mean, I'm a straightforward, easy-going person (ask all the BYOACers who have met me IRL). I like simple pleasures, like butter in ---my bottom---, lollipops in my mouth. That's just me. That's just something that I enjoy. I don't have any deep, dark obsessions or desires I'm suppressing or doing in secret. 

Now HaRuMaN, that dude is f-ed up..... 

[mgb]

Also, everyone has a bad part of their personality, something dark and evil, and chances are the more "good" they appear on the outside, the darker they are on the inside. 

@dkersten:  Do you truly believe this?

@Xteve: Generally, people are rooting for you.  Root for yourself too! 

I ABSOLUTELY believe this.  Those who preach the loudest usually have the most to hide.  100% true.  Every time I see a religious zealot pointing and ranting about something "evil", I always say "Imagine the crap on that person's computer"

Nah, not true for everyone.
People tend to believe this only because of the relatively few you hear about on the news

[Vigo]

Nah, not true for everyone.
People tend to believe this only because of the relatively few you hear about on the news

It's a rare condition, this day and age,
to read any good news on the newspaper page.

[deadmoney5]

Also, everyone has a bad part of their personality, something dark and evil, and chances are the more "good" they appear on the outside, the darker they are on the inside. 

@dkersten:  Do you truly believe this?

@Xteve: Generally, people are rooting for you.  Root for yourself too! 

I ABSOLUTELY believe this.  Those who preach the loudest usually have the most to hide.  100% true.  Every time I see a religious zealot pointing and ranting about something "evil", I always say "Imagine the crap on that person's computer"

Nah, not true for everyone.
People tend to believe this only because of the relatively few you hear about on the news

In terms of standing on your soapbox, pointing your finger, and judging how other's act...more true than not that the people doing the pointing have more skeletons in their closet than anyone.

[yotsuya]

Also, everyone has a bad part of their personality, something dark and evil, and chances are the more "good" they appear on the outside, the darker they are on the inside. 

@dkersten:  Do you truly believe this?

@Xteve: Generally, people are rooting for you.  Root for yourself too! 

I ABSOLUTELY believe this.  Those who preach the loudest usually have the most to hide.  100% true.  Every time I see a religious zealot pointing and ranting about something "evil", I always say "Imagine the crap on that person's computer"

Nah, not true for everyone.
People tend to believe this only because of the relatively few you hear about on the news

In terms of standing on your soapbox, pointing your finger, and judging how other's act...more true than not that the people doing the pointing have more skeletons in their closet than anyone.

Sure, some do, but that's a pretty broad brush you're painting with.

[HaRuMaN]

Why do you think I have an evil dude as my avatar? So people trust me!

#carpathiankittenloss

I mean, I'm a straightforward, easy-going person (ask all the BYOACers who have met me IRL). I like simple pleasures, like butter in ---my bottom---, lollipops in my mouth. That's just me. That's just something that I enjoy. I don't have any deep, dark obsessions or desires I'm suppressing or doing in secret. 

Now HaRuMaN, that dude is f-ed up..... 

[dkersten]

Yes, I believe it completely and it is a very cynical viewpoint.  However, it holds up.  The "best" people I know are the ones who will admit they are flawed.  I am not saying that the more good you are externally, the more evil you really are on the inside, but rather that the better you "project" a "good" personality, the better you are at hiding your true nature.  Usually people who go overboard to project them being a "good" person are the ones trying to compensate for things they feel on the inside that they feel are bad.

I consider myself a good person.  My intentions are never cruel, I avoid violence, and I have always strived to do good for the people around me.  However, I have dark thoughts, I have skeletons, and I have flaws.  Those things have the potential to hurt anyone close to me.  The more "true" to myself that I am, the more chance that I will end up hurting someone because at some point what I need in my life to be happy will end up stepping on someone else..  This is something I just see as human nature. 

I came to this whole conclusion while dating and trying to find "the one".  Your "soul mate" is the one whose flaws you can live with, not someone without flaws because that person doesn't exist.  If your "type" is the one who is outwardly good, chances are they are not nearly as "good" on the inside.   

[HaRuMaN]

[yotsuya]

Yes, I believe it completely and it is a very cynical viewpoint.  However, it holds up.  The "best" people I know are the ones who will admit they are flawed.  I am not saying that the more good you are externally, the more evil you really are on the inside, but rather that the better you "project" a "good" personality, the better you are at hiding your true nature.  Usually people who go overboard to project them being a "good" person are the ones trying to compensate for things they feel on the inside that they feel are bad.

I consider myself a good person.  My intentions are never cruel, I avoid violence, and I have always strived to do good for the people around me.  However, I have dark thoughts, I have skeletons, and I have flaws.  Those things have the potential to hurt anyone close to me.  The more "true" to myself that I am, the more chance that I will end up hurting someone because at some point what I need in my life to be happy will end up stepping on someone else..  This is something I just see as human nature. 

I came to this whole conclusion while dating and trying to find "the one".  Your "soul mate" is the one whose flaws you can live with, not someone without flaws because that person doesn't exist.  If your "type" is the one who is outwardly good, chances are they are not nearly as "good" on the inside.

Your initial statement was

"Also, everyone has a bad part of their personality, something dark and evil, and chances are the more "good" they appear on the outside, the darker they are on the inside." 

You're now saying

"Usually people who go overboard to project them being a "good" person are the ones trying to compensate for things they feel on the inside that they feel are bad."

Which applies to people who are "projecting" how good they are but aren't really good, which are two different things. I can agree with you on the second one. But as to the original statement, I know plenty of truly "good" people who aren't hiding any demons or dark thoughts and aren't "acting" good, they just are. I guess it all depends on what constitutes "dark and evil".

Oh, and for my man Casto, obligatory:

[Zakk]

I think out loud.  Very annoying to most, but I am exactly the same inside as I project outward.  I am definitely opinionated, I do criticise (but am very self critical), but overall I am so awesome I am just about to burst.  I also take pleasure in how many times I can use "I" in a sentence. 

I'm more of an oxymoron (or supermoron), than evil plotter.  I too like to play with kittens and puppies, I mean, come on, who doesn't like kittens and puppies? 

[yotsuya]

I think out loud.  Very annoying to most, but I am exactly the same inside as I project outward.  I am definitely opinionated, I do criticise (but am very self critical), but overall I am so awesome I am just about to burst.  I also take pleasure in how many times I can use "I" in a sentence. 

I think most people are that way. Sure, there are Eddie Haskells out there (look him up, whippersnappers), but I think most people are who they are.

I'm more of an oxymoron (or supermoron), than evil plotter.  I too like to play with kittens and puppies, I mean, come on, who doesn't like kittens and puppies? 

I don't necessarily disagree with Dave that people hide stuff, and sometimes they doth protest too much. I just don't think the "everyone has a bad part of their personality, something dark and evil" statement is 100% true. Maybe the "dark and evil" part is throwing me off.

[Zakk]

I think out loud.  Very annoying to most, but I am exactly the same inside as I project outward.  I am definitely opinionated, I do criticise (but am very self critical), but overall I am so awesome I am just about to burst.  I also take pleasure in how many times I can use "I" in a sentence. 

I think most people are that way. Sure, there are Eddie Haskells out there (look him up, whippersnappers), but I think most people are who they are.

I'm more of an oxymoron (or supermoron), than evil plotter.  I too like to play with kittens and puppies, I mean, come on, who doesn't like kittens and puppies? 

I don't necessarily disagree with Dave that people hide stuff, and sometimes they doth protest too much. I just don't think the "everyone has a bad part of their personality, something dark and evil" statement is 100% true. Maybe the "dark and evil" part is throwing me off.

Eva Braun hated blondi the german shepherd.  True story. 

[yotsuya]

Eva Braun hated blondi the german shepherd.  True story.

So you're saying something dark and evil lurked inside Eva Braun, then? 

[dkersten]

"dark and evil" can mean anything to anyone.  Thinking that I enjoy a certain kind of sex could be deemed as evil to some while perfectly normal to others.  Or perhaps something closer to this forum:  wishing someone would just go away and never post here again because their posts annoy the heck out of me might be a "dark" thought even though there are legitimate reasons that the forum would be a better place without them.  (not directed at anyone, just saying.. lol).  Anything selfish can be seen as sinful, evil, or dark.  Just checking out the hot chick next door, or even being envious of their car is "evil" because it is a sin in the eyes of a Christian (covet thy neighbor's wife, possessions, etc.)  Call it what you want, whether it be evil, darkness, negativity, or just anti-cultural behavior, we all have the capacity for it and have all had some thoughts (or actions) that would not be acceptable to society if aired publicly. 

Usually when I see someone who believes they are "holier than thou", I equate it to "evil" in a literal sense.  They project "goodness" so strongly on the outside because they are compensating for evilness on the inside.  A truly good person doesn't judge others, nor do they say they are without sin.  (Not trying to bring religion in, just morality, which draws many parallels) 

The real point is that while you may have been taught to keep certain feelings to yourself, or even that having those feelings is wrong in some way, you still have them.  It is human nature, and that very human nature has the potential to cause other humans pain, even if it isn't intended.  Even saints can sin, nobody is perfect, and nobody has "nothing" to hide.  I brought it up in context to X2's anti-social behavior, particularly with women, and the point is that all people are flawed, so either you accept that and have people in your life you care about, or you separate yourself from the rest of the world and hide in hopes of never being hurt by those flaws. 

[saint]

Ugh.

[pbj]

I have the entire thread backed up to just about when it went full retard.  PDF attached.