My morning...

[saint]

can best be described with the word "dripping." 

I go downstairs to wake up and dress my 5 year old son, and he's not there. I find him in the basement guest room playing Gamecube. First thing I notice when I open the door is the vile smell. I mean, paint-peeling aroma wafting heavily through the air. The words "eye watering" would not be amiss here. I tell him good morning and ask if he's stinky, he replies "I need a bath." I do not take this as a good sign.

Not having time for a bath I prepare for a wet-wipe sponge bath. I decide to take him to the main floor "just in case" and when he starts to walk out of the guestroom I notice the *OUTSIDE* of his blue PJs are brown in the spot where he's been sitting on the carpet. I instruct him not to move, spot wipe the carpet, and we head upstairs. When I disrobe the boy, both he and his pullup are literally dripping liquid poop. Brown, drippy, stinky, clinging, "you could tar your roof with this but wouldn't want to" liquid goo. Drip, drip, splatter, splotch. The carpet in the guest room and main floor could stand a shampoo. He is covered with brown vile smelling paint from ankle to waist. I use up half a box of wet wipes. Copious hand washing and magic-soap is applied to both of us.

Still with a few minutes to be able to make it to school on time, I pick up his backpack, and..... "dripping" once again applies. The spill-proof cup put in his backpack had no valve, and the backpack was lying horizontally. Everything is drenched, there's a puddle on the floor, and the cup is essentially empty. Scramble to find another backpack. At this point I know we're late for school.

Get that taken care of, grab a pack of poptarts from the box he likes, and dash into the van. Get to the bottom of the drive way and.... Someone has placed the Smores poptarts inside the Oreo chocolate pop tart box. My son won't have anything to do with Smores poptarts and is devestated. At this point I give up all hope of being anywhere on time and go back to the house to exchange the pop tarts.

My boss laughs at me this morning.

--- saint

[ChadTower]

Damn, man.  I'd have given up entirely on being on time in the beginning and put that kid in the shower.  That's GOT to be quicker than depainting the kid with wet wipes.  Is he sick?  Seems a decent bet that might happen again during the day if he has a stomach bug.

[Kevin Mullins]

I would have just gave up and stayed home.....

[Hoopz]

I would have just gave up and stayed home.....

I agree.  It's easier to call in sick than to be late to work/school.  Instead of putting him in the shower to get him clean, I would have used the hose outside.  Don't have to clean the shower when you're done that way.   

Sounds like a stomach bug so hopefully he's ok. 

[orion]

Oh my God that's too funny! If it makes you feel any better whatsoever, know that you are not alone in this kind of experience this week. My kid "exploded" in the bathroom Sunday morning. I had woken up at 4:00 am to feed the baby and was almost knocked down by the smell coming from the bathroom... I open the door to a real horror show. Oh the Humanity! I went to check on my son and ask him if he was OK and what had happend. He said he was OK and then said "I don't know what happend" and added... "It was crazy". It took me two hours to clean everything and everybody up... I have never seen anything like that before in my life....  I've had a rough couple of weeks here with the kids.  Please someone tell me it gets better!

[saint]

A couple of weeks ago my son (same son) came in and exclaimed loudly to everyone that the poop came "shooting out of my butt!"  He was quiet astonished.

Good times. Here's another war story I like to tell every few months or so:

---------------------------

My then 5(?) year old son (not the same child, this one is now 9) was in bed, we were all asleep, when I hear him calling. I get up to check on him, and he feels sick. I go to pick him up and tell him it'll be OK. I'm on the "O" portion of OK, holding him facing me, when he throws up. Blammo. All over me. Onto my face. Into my open mouth. Mmmmmmmm someone else's vomit in my mouth.

. . .

OK, I can deal. It's just a bit of barf, it won't kill me. Side note - someone else's barf tastes just like your own. OK - I hold him to me since we're both icky, figure I'll just hop us both in the shower. Pressing him to me so we don't drip because amazingly it's all contained on me and him. Don't want to wake anyone up, so here we go. I take one step.

BARFO #2! All over me and him. It's warm and pooling over my belly where I'm holding him to me. Kind of chilly on the fringes where the first heave is starting to cool.

...

OK. I'm an adult. I can deal. Comfort my child, dash to the shower and don't worry about the dripping, clean it up later. I take step #2.

BARFO #3! All over me.

...

Some things are more than mortal man can handle by himself. I realized it was time to call upon a higher power. I yelled and woke up my wife. She stumbles in bleary eyed to see what's the matter, and sees me holding my son with both of us dripping with barf. She takes him, I shuffle to the shower trying not to drip everywhere.

Did I mention I still had the taste of barf in my mouth?

By the time I get out magically things have been resolved and cleaned up.

........


Good times, good times. One of my favorite war stories actually Smiley

Wouldn't trade my kids for the world, non parents just don't understand such things.

[ahofle]

I never do well with our kids barfing.  I usually just stand there shell shocked with combined feelings of horror, fascination, and disbelief.  Then my wife usually yells at me for just standing there, pushes me aside and takes care of it. 

[J_K_M_A_N]

I have a story like ONE part of that story. My son didn't feel well when he was about 2-3 and I was holding him and he barfed all down my neck and back and all over the floor. That was a good time. I had to clean him up first and then jump in the shower myself. Luckily that doesn't happen anymore now that he is 18.

J_K_M_A_N

[ChadTower]

I remember one time we were all sitting eating dinner.  Son (18 months) is in a bouncy seat on the floor next to the table.  For some reason he used to like to take that exact time every night to poop and was not subtle about it.  We see his face start to turn red and he's squeezing but it's that time so we think nothing of it.  His face turns redder than usual, and keep in mind he's a pale redhead, so that's plenty red.  He lets out a little whimper and then we hear it.  The sound that came from this kid sounded can only be compared to what I think a tank of compressed air would sound like if it failed 6' deep in a bog.  He screamed like someone burned him and actually blew a hole in his diaper.  15 seconds later he was quiet again and so asleep we wondered if he weren't showing signs of PTSD.

[RayB]

um Saint... he shouldn't have gone to school. He'll likely have another "round" later today, if you know what I mean. 

[(+_+)]

I still swear up to this day that babies do head stands in their cribs whenever they have the runs and your not looking. I've witnessed Guinness book material where it actually reached the back of their necks. It's a conspiracy I tell you. I honestly feel for you.

[orion]

I've never had a child barf in my mouth before..... had no idea something like that was even possible to be honest with you, but I will be sure to add that to my database of "crazy @#*! that can happen to you when raising a child" and be vigilant to guard against that one   At the moment I am having to change clothes about three to six times a day as the little one keeps me covered in spit up, but so far I've not had the pleasure of an experience like that.


"Wouldn't trade my kids for the world, non parents just don't understand such things."

Nope I don't think they even have a clue... I sure didn't


"He screamed like someone burned him and actually blew a hole in his diaper."  

[shardian]

Our daughter is closing in quickly on 2. We both look back and truly miss being spit up on. There's nothing in the world that makes you feel more 'needed' than having bodily fluids projected on to you by a kid. 

[ChadTower]

There's nothing in the world that makes you feel more 'needed' than having bodily fluids projected on to you by a kid. 

I once heard someone say that but she wasn't talking about kids...

[SavannahLion]

My son is 15 months and he's been in this weird fascination with his diaper area for nearly six months now. He has a bad rash so he scratches alot. If he's not wearing any pants, he gets his hands under there... well you get the idea.

The worst was when he had the runs really bad and he pulled his diaper open and it dripped down his leg, up his back and got it all over his hands. I never realized how hard it is to hold a screaming infant by his hands, avoid dripping poop everywhere, run the shower without scalding or freezing him and take off the diaper all at the same time.

Later that same day (well before noon). My GF and I were changing him. We just put a new diaper on him when he pooped. So we change him again. While we're cleaning him, poop shoots out and flies for a good four feet and sprays the bedroom door. What doesn't hit the door hit my GF. At that point, we just grabbed the nearest thing (diapers) and just hold them over his bottom as he finishes.

It was Holy Hell in a handbasket for the rest of the day.  

[mountain]

I've never had a child barf in my mouth before.....

I am still amazed at the stream of pee that came from my infant son when he decided to let it fly while changing his diaper. Keep your mouth shut at all times with the boys, trust me.

[ChadTower]

Heh.  My son once peed in his own eyes and screamed.  I think it burned a little. 

[Hoopz]

My only story here is that I was changing one of my daughter's diapers and was sitting cross legged on the floor.  She had some loose stool and it got me from the top of my t-shirt, down the front, and across my shorts & ankles.  First and only time (so far) that I've gotten hit.

My step son (10 yrs old now) always has quality projectile vomit.  About two months ago, he was doing the dishes after dinner, ran to the hallway and lost it.  8 feet of puke on wood floors....

I got in trouble the next morning by giving him a White Castle before his football game.   

[mountain]

I got in trouble the next morning by giving him a White Castle before his football game.   

That'll do it, usually the other end though 

[Hoopz]

I got in trouble the next morning by giving him a White Castle before his football game.   

That'll do it, usually the other end though 

Figured he was already flushed out though....

He knows though that if he pukes during the game, to puke on the ball when he is playing defense.   

[Ginsu Victim]

Man this forum is electronic birth control.   

No worries, I think I laughed myself sterile.

[ChadTower]

Man, don't puke on the ball, puke on your own shirt.  Then no one wants to put their hands on you to block.   

[Hoopz]

Meh, these kids were all wearing under armour, gloves and all kindsa crap. It wouldn't have bothered them either way....

[ChadTower]

Meh, these kids were all wearing under armour, gloves and all kindsa crap. It wouldn't have bothered them either way....

I miss the old days before all the specialized clothing.  Seems like you haven't really paid the price until you've broken a finger between facemasks in 10 degree weather while wearing pantyhose.

[Todd H]

I haven't been puked or pooped on yet, but he's peed on me more times than I can count. After about the third time all you can do is laugh about it.

[saint]

Never been peed on.

[danny_galaga]

yep, sounds like heaps of fun! but i think i might still pass on the having of the kids...

[Ummon]

I remember one time we were all sitting eating dinner.  Son (18 months) is in a bouncy seat on the floor next to the table.  For some reason he used to like to take that exact time every night to poop and was not subtle about it.  We see his face start to turn red and he's squeezing but it's that time so we think nothing of it.  His face turns redder than usual, and keep in mind he's a pale redhead, so that's plenty red.  He lets out a little whimper and then we hear it.  The sound that came from this kid sounded can only be compared to what I think a tank of compressed air would sound like if it failed 6' deep in a bog.  He screamed like someone burned him and actually blew a hole in his diaper.  15 seconds later he was quiet again and so asleep we wondered if he weren't showing signs of PTSD.

That's a goood one.

[DaOld Man]

I wish this board was here when my kids were very young.

It would be fun to print them out and show them to my kids now, son 26, daughter 17.

I can see it all now, when my daughters boyfriend (Grrrrrr), comes over, "Hey hun, lets dig out those old posts describing in detail of when you pooped all over yourself."

You guys with daughters may want to hang onto these experiences for later.

Mountain, I hear you about the boys peeing. If a man could maintain that pressure throughout his life, I'd be able to pee across the Grand Canyon now.

[orion]

Our daughter is closing in quickly on 2. We both look back and truly miss being spit up on. There's nothing in the world that makes you feel more 'needed' than having bodily fluids projected on to you by a kid. 

Yea it does make you feel needed in a weird kind of way, I realize that they grow up quickly and I'm enjoying it right now.  You guys talking about only being peed on three times. My kid is only 2 1/2 months and he does that to us about three times a day (my wife gets it more than I do though for some reason.... makes me laugh) He has already peed in his eyes a few times, peed in my face several times (I am no stranger to the taste of urine) My parents are telling me that I used to do that to them all the time except they think I was doing it on purpose because I would laugh at them when I did it.... this kid takes after me in a lot of ways. The pee just doesn't bother me much I just take a burp cloth (or my hand) and block it to keep him from hosing down the room....whatever. He did spit up in his eye once, and had some stuck right in the middle of his eye. I was kind of freaking trying to get it out... not like I could just stick my finger in his eye and fish it out.  It didn't seem to bother him though, he just had a chunk of white puke sitting right in the middle of his eyeball for about an hour. It looked like it should have been painful.

[ChadTower]

Dude, seriously... you guys need to learn better diaper change technique or something.  Just don't leave his junk uncovered while you reach for wipes and stuff.  Leave it uncovered, he'll pee.  Put something over it like a cloth and he probably won't pee, but even if he does, it won't get you.  He pees when the open air hits his junk.  Most boys do that at that age.

[Hoopz]

Dude, seriously... you guys need to learn better diaper change technique or something.  Just don't leave his junk uncovered while you reach for wipes and stuff.  Leave it uncovered, he'll pee.  Put something over it like a cloth and he probably won't pee, but even if he does, it won't get you.  He pees when the open air hits his junk.  Most boys do that at that age.

Exactly.  I'd suggest opening the diaper for a few seconds to let air in, then covering it back up so when he pees it goes all over the soiled diaper. 

[Todd H]

Dude, seriously... you guys need to learn better diaper change technique or something.  Just don't leave his junk uncovered while you reach for wipes and stuff.  Leave it uncovered, he'll pee.  Put something over it like a cloth and he probably won't pee, but even if he does, it won't get you.  He pees when the open air hits his junk.  Most boys do that at that age.

Yep, you learn that lesson pretty early. I use a wipe and cover his "junk" while reaching for a diaper. He'll still get me every now and then, like when I undress him to get a bath. But it's nowhere near as bad as when he was just a newborn.

[orion]

Exactly.  I'd suggest opening the diaper for a few seconds to let air in, then covering it back up so when he pees it goes all over the soiled diaper. 

Really???  Well whatdaya know.... thanks

[2600]

I remember one time we were all sitting eating dinner.  Son (18 months) is in a bouncy seat on the floor next to the table.  For some reason he used to like to take that exact time every night to poop and was not subtle about it.  We see his face start to turn red and he's squeezing but it's that time so we think nothing of it.  His face turns redder than usual, and keep in mind he's a pale redhead, so that's plenty red.  He lets out a little whimper and then we hear it.  The sound that came from this kid sounded can only be compared to what I think a tank of compressed air would sound like if it failed 6' deep in a bog.  He screamed like someone burned him and actually blew a hole in his diaper.  15 seconds later he was quiet again and so asleep we wondered if he weren't showing signs of PTSD.

Ok, guys.  I'm only up to hear and can't stop laughing.  Don't know if I can read the rest of the thread through the tears.  Good stuff.

[Hoopz]

Exactly.  I'd suggest opening the diaper for a few seconds to let air in, then covering it back up so when he pees it goes all over the soiled diaper. 

Really???  Well whatdaya know.... thanks

They should have told you that at the hospital.  It's pretty basic stuff that the nurses know. 

[2600]

Exactly.  I'd suggest opening the diaper for a few seconds to let air in, then covering it back up so when he pees it goes all over the soiled diaper. 

Really???  Well whatdaya know.... thanks

They should have told you that at the hospital.  It's pretty basic stuff that the nurses know. 

Ditto.

The one thing they didn't mention is poo can fly. 

Caught my wife and I both by surprise one day.  We were changing my first son's diaper one day, lift his bottom up to put the new diaper under him.  Then BAM! yadda yadda yadda I had to clean the walls.

[ChadTower]

Anything can fly when there is enough compressed air behind it.   

I almost got arrested one time trying to put my son's coat on at the mall.  He hated his coat and would scream every time I tried to put it on him.  We're at the mall door, it's Feb in MA, and he needs his coat on.  Boy screaming like I'm breaking his arm.  Woman goes and gets a nearby cop who of course insists on inspecting the boy.  All well and good, I suppose, but all I'm trying to do is get the kid's coat on so he doesn't die on the way to the car.

And I don't even have to tell you what happened the time my little brother started screaming "THAT'S NOT MY MOMMY" at the mall as we're dragging him out to the car for being a butthead.   

[mountain]

This thread reminded me of a recent commercial where the dad is changing the kid at a party or something in a back bedroom . The kid pees all over the walls and pictures  with garden hose velocity. I have only seen it once, but I died laughing when I saw it. 

[Hoopz]

And I don't even have to tell you what happened the time my little brother started screaming "THAT'S NOT MY MOMMY" at the mall as we're dragging him out to the car for being a butthead.  

Now that's hilarious!

[orion]

Exactly.  I'd suggest opening the diaper for a few seconds to let air in, then covering it back up so when he pees it goes all over the soiled diaper. 

Really???  Well whatdaya know.... thanks

They should have told you that at the hospital.  It's pretty basic stuff that the nurses know. 

Um no... we never got that memo. Honestly I have been relying on my wife's expertise since she has already been though this with my step son.... she is claiming that its been a long time and has forgotten a lot of stuff and that this one is totally different from her first... excuses, excuses  Ummmm so the the poo can go airborne to??? I thought only Chimpanzees were capable of doing anything like that.

[ChadTower]

Someone peeing on your face should be incentive to come up with a better strategy.  This isn't an R Kelly video.

 

[2600]

Someone peeing on your face should be incentive to come up with a better strategy.  This isn't an R Kelly video.

 

I'm going to have to go with Chad on this and give your wife a get out of jail free card.  No matter how small you don't let someone keep peeing on your face.


As for the poo, when they are young and haven't started solids the poo is just the right consistency and correct volume that it can shoot out pretty far.  Probably doesn't help that you are grabbing the kids by the ankles and bending them back so that it compresses them slightly.

[orion]

Someone peeing on your face should be incentive to come up with a better strategy.  This isn't an R Kelly video.

 

Ok, I gotta go now, cause I'm lauging so hard I think there is a strong possibility that I might pee in my own face~  

[SavannahLion]

The whole peeing thing stopped pretty quick. It still happens once in a while if he's sick or something but it's not too bad. I still stay out of the way when I'm changing diapers. My GF thinks it's funny when I move my a head out of harms way.

He's reaching the stage where he hides when he goes poop or pee. He's also reaching the stage where he's learning how to take on and off his clothes. He's worked his way to his pants and socks. I'm only waiting for the day to look behind the big screen and see his pants, diaper and a big steaming pile of poo waiting for cleanup.

[Todd H]

I think we scared all of the non-parents into never having children. 

Guys, as bad as all of this sounds I wouldn't trade a minute of it. I love every minute I spend with my son.

[DaOld Man]

I just read this thread again and thought of an interesting story I would share with all you  dads.
When my daughter was about 2 or 3, we went to an annual festival here where they have a parade.
My mom lived about a half mile from the downtime area, so we parked at her house and I took my daughter downtown to watch the parade with her daddy.
We found a pretty decent place by the street and awaited the parade to start.
All of a sudden my daughter said, "Daddy I got to pee."
Well, Im thinking it's a pretty long walk back to my moms house and I didnt know anyone in that area to ask to use the bathroom. Pretty soon ignoring her cries just didnt work for me anymore.
I looked behind us and the crowd and there was a hedgerow between two houses.
So I took her behind the bushes and pulled down her pants and told her to squat and pee.
This was not a good idea. She didnt go along with it anyway, and she started crying and screaming.
I thought, you know, here is a grown man behind the bush with a young girl screaming her head off. I though WTH am I doing??
So I pulled her clothes back up and told her we were going back to granmas to pee.
She was just fine after that.
Luckily nobody heard (or saw) what was going on, or maybe they knew what I was doing because she was getting pretty loud about wanting to pee.
I could imagine being arrested for public child abuse or something worse.
It's funny now, but it sure wasnt then.

[Ginsu Victim]

DirtyOld Man?

[DaOld Man]

I have some candy...

[shardian]

I never got pee'd or pooped on once. I was a ninja with the diaper changes to prevent that exact scene. She did toot once, and that scared me. The wife on the other hand got pee'd and pooped on. She always waited until the diaper was all the way off to get out the wipe.


The funniest thing I ever witnessed though was my the 6 year old cousin. He had fallen asleep on the couch watching TV. I was sitting in the recliner watching a game, when, in his sleep, he pulls down the front of his pants and lets loose. He pissed all over himself! I screamed at him, and he woke up without a clue as to what was going on. That must have been one super realistic dream toilet he was standing at.

[Ginsu Victim]

That must have been one super realistic dream toilet he was standing at.

I had that dream in third grade. Quite embarrassing for someone who was never a bed-wetter.

[ChadTower]

I had that dream in the 8th grade only it wasn't a toilet.  It was Madonna.

[AtomSmasher]

I have a reoccurring dream (maybe once every month or two) semi-similar to that where I have to pee really bad in the dream, so I go to the bathroom, only after I pee I still have to go, so I pee again, and this continues for a while and I can't figure out why I constantly have to pee.  Then I wake up and realize I actually have to pee in real-life and since I was only peeing in the dream it never relieved the pressure on my bladder.  (Just to be clear, this dream never once ended in me peeing on myself)

[Loafmeister]

Oye, I had to quit reading this thread for a bit, my work neighbors were starting to wonder what the hell was going on with all my laughing.


Anyway here’s a true story for you, took place about 13 years ago.  It starts with a Simpson style question:  What is worse than a young kid who both pukes and poops themselves?  Answer:  Two young kids who puke and poop themselves.

So both my kids are about 1 and 3 at the time and my oldest daughter gets this vicious, and I mean VICIOUS stomach virus where she’s got cramps and diarrhea. Unfortunately, she’s at that age where potty training is basically done but she gets through these stubborn periods where she doesn’t want to do a number 2 on the toilet. I’m told you’re never supposed to force the child to poop on the toilet, so we’re trying to be VERY patient.  Then, when the virus hits it seems every 20 minute, poop starts popping out, and I mean out the sides of the pullups, etc.  After about 1 hour, we start insisting she sit on the toilet to at least try. When she does, nothing comes out.  Moment she gets off, poop comes out.

That’s when things took a turn for the worse.

The virus ends up being a full blown puke/poopothon. All of a sudden, my oldest daughter starts to puke.  As my wife is screaming “get the bucket” or something like that, I’m holding on to my youngest 1 year old and she pukes on me.  I answer back “I can’t!!!!” to my wife.  Anyway, we’re starting to be firm and insist to our eldest daughter that she try going on the potty and she starts taking a fit, all I can hear in her yelling is: “I DON’T WANT TO!!!”  As we’re trying to “convince” her, I notice my arm is feeling warm. Yup, in my panic with getting my eldest daughter to use the potty, I fail to notice my youngest daughter has poop coming out the back of HER diaper so for the next several hours it’s a continuous see-saw between Puke and Poop from the two little ones, mixed in with a fit from my oldest daughter. The only good thing that came out that day, I won the battle on the potty training, which means I guess I’m a bad parent.

It was a nasty bug, ended up having to go to the clinic for fear of dehydration. I tell you, it did help later on with other bugs that were bad, where we’d always look back and say “this is nothing, remember when…?”

[ChadTower]

Damn, man.  That's when I would have put them in the tub.  Sometimes you just have to contain the mess until it slows down to a reasonable spew.

[Ginsu Victim]

Should've called a priest.

[Loafmeister]

You know, when you're in the middle of it, you don't think of the little things like a Priest... .  Seriously though, it's true, common sense is the first thing out the window when you're panicking.

[saint]

Damn, man.  That's when I would have put them in the tub.  Sometimes you just have to contain the mess until it slows down to a reasonable spew.

What he said... Ick!

[orion]

You know, when you're in the middle of it, you don't think of the little things like a Priest... .  Seriously though, it's true, common sense is the first thing out the window when you're panicking.

Ain't that the truth!

[Cakemeister]

For my son I just got two diapers out of the bag before taking off his old diaper and covered his junk with the second diaper while cleaning him.

[ahofle]

Your avatar really adds to this thread. 

[SavannahLion]

I think we scared all of the non-parents into never having children. 

That's just as well, I can think of a few that shouldn't be breeding anyways.