Chuck Norris facts

[whatisk]

Here's some facts about Chuck Norris:
 
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.
 
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
 
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
 
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
 
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.
 
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
 
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
 
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to
him.
 
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let
him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked
the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl
in the stadium.
 
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a
few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When
his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the
face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
 
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a
list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
 
If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir."
That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state
down.
 
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
 
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she  was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.
 
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
 
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a
beard.
 
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or
dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.
 
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
 
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
 
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
 
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
 
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying
"booya".
 
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
 
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"
 
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
 
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
 
Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he
roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
 
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
 
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris
you may be only seconds away from death.
 
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler
did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by
Chuck Norris.
 
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity." then you are dead wrong.

[whammoed]

Hilarious.  Reminds me of the SNL Bill Brasky bits.

[JackTucky]

this is a political board.  please don't mess with this fluff.

where's the substance?

Jack

[missioncontrol]

Chuck Noris is a wimp

[danny_galaga]

oh, NORRIS. i was thinking CONNERS for some reason...

[Bones]

That was good value.

[Stingray]

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler
did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by
Chuck Norris.
 

I nearly fell out of my chair.

-S

[c64rulez]

Chuck Norris is a chipmonk on steroids

[romperwomb]

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Steven Segal had the same idea:  http://www.lightningdrink.com/

[Dartful Dodger]

I met Chuck Norris.  He was at a benefit to support a program to teach martial arts to underprivileged kids.  He said hi to me, shook my hands and talked about the program.

There were posters of his current movie at the time.   A movie with him as a cop and a dog for a partner.  He wasn't pushing the movie at all, he was just pushing this martial arts program.

I think Chuck Norris is a genuinely good person.

[Bones]

I met Chuck Norris.

[quarterback]

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with the waitress.

[quarterback]

this is a political board.  please don't mess with this fluff.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

[quarterback]

Chuck Norris is a chipmonk on steroids

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse . . . horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

[quarterback]

Chuck Noris is a wimp

The X-Men character "Wolverine" is actually based on Chuck Norris, only toned down so as not to upset children.

[quarterback]

I met Chuck Norris. 

There were posters of his current movie at the time.   A movie with him as a cop and a dog for a partner.

Every Chuck Norris film ever made was a documentary film about Chuck Norris.

[cdbrown]

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the &^*% down.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. .....At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's crap.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it

In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in Total Recall.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win?
Chuck Norris

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.

In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks

Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he replied 'I am a club' and everyone partied on him... Until he roundhouse kicked them all because someone spilt his beer.

[c64rulez]

Never tell Chuck Norris the odds.
Odds are he'll roundhouse kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris never looks at the mirror.
He knows what the odds are.

If you tell Chuck Norris he's odd
he'll simply get even.

When Chuck Norris was born, the doctor who slapped his --I'm attempting to get by the auto-censor and should be beaten after I re-read the rules-- had to go through three plastic surgeries and had his kidney removed one hour after the birth took place.

[Harry Potter]

Whow's chuck norris? Doesn't he sell ab-shapers on the informecial channell?

[c64rulez]

If I were you I'd find somwhere very deep and remote to hide.
Chuck Norris sees and hears everything
And when he finds you (and he will) he'll redesign your abs

[Dartful Dodger]

Whow's chuck norris? Doesn't he sell ab-shapers on the informecial channell?

He pushes the Total Gym.

[Harry Potter]

oh Chuck NORRIS. 

Washed up a bit, but Texas Ranger is still good in my books.

[nostrebor]

oh Chuck NORRIS. 

Washed up a bit, ...

*BosssX prepares to die*

[Luxury]

I still say that if you take out all the references to roundhouse kicks, it's a pretty fitting description of your truly. 

Never could master the roundhose kick.  Maybe it's because I don't wear cowboy boots. (Which I hear are the most important part).

[ChadTower]

I want more Chuck Norris facts.

[romperwomb]

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

[Havok]

I met Chuck Norris.

[ChadTower]

In the new version of the standard 8th grade science book, they have removed the roller coasters from the diagrams about potential and kinetic energy.  In their place is a picture of Chuck Norris.

[whammoed]

Hubble recently found new moons and rings aroung Uranus...until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked them out of the galaxy.

[ChadTower]

Creationism vs Big Bang is irrelevant.  In the beginning, there was just a big ball of matter.  Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it and caused the Big Bang.  Chuck Norris created the Big Bang.

[whammoed]

Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Steven Seagal all go to a restaurant together.  Chuck orders a burger and when it arrives he roundhouse kicks Jean-Claude and Steven into orbit while exclaiming "I said no cheese!".

[M3talhead]

Once a gentle and harmless creature, the Hawk Moth (Sphingidae Macroglossinae Cizara Ardeniae) inexplicably became extinct after evading one of Chuck Norris's roundhouse kicks.

[romperwomb]

The only reason crumbs fall into Chuck Norris' beard is because it needs to eat too.

Chuck Norris won't allow his children to be taught evolution at school. This wouldn't be a big deal, but he fathered 70% of people in the southern United States.

Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."

Muhammad Ali does not have Parkinson's. He simply shivers in the fear the Chuck Norris will kill him.

Chuck Norris is not a man; he is the culmination of hundreds of years of black oppression.

In 1997, Chuck achieved a milestone in his life by being the first man ever in the Western Hemisphere to be awarded an 8th degree Black Belt Grand Master recognition in the Tae Kwon Do system. This was a first in 4,500 years of tradition. This one's true folks. Thumbs up Chucky.

[Harry Potter]

Chuck norris sucks....




























...Seph's mum. 

[whammoed]

This one time...at band camp...Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a flute up a girls $%*^*.

[ChadTower]

That's a myth.  Chuck Norris had sex with the girl until her ass made a fluting sound.  Then when he was done he roundhouse kicked her to keep her from talking.

[whammoed]

Chuck Norris wears a size 12 cowboy boot on his pecker.

[Harry Potter]

Chuck norris couldn't get a job as thug #346532 in a D grade korean kung fu movie

[ChadTower]

Chuck Norris taunts Happy Fun Box.

[Sprucemoose]

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Good chuck giveth, and taketh away...I just soiled myself laughing!!!!