This is an abbreviated version of my life. While a bit hesitant to post it, I think
maybe some are confused who I am and where I come from. Also, maybe it
may inspire and help others. Pass it on to those you think may need it.
---
I was an abused child, born into many problems and hard times. I write this not for sympathy or attention, but instead, to give hope to those who may be struggling in life.
At: AGE 5
- father has insane anger issues and is abusive physically and mentally
- I was Beaten with huge wide leather belt on bare skin often. That, or sometimes an extension cord, or a metal-wire hanger.
- He threw my 4yr brother in the clothing dryer, turned it on, and left it on for many minutes.
- He duct taped my hands, feet, and mouth.. then holding a live power tool, reved it up as he said he was going to commit "toolbox murder'. That he would cut up all the pieces and toss them in the ocean where the sharks could eat them, and nobody would know.
- He went to the Horse track and gambled every penny we had away. Mother finally kicked him out.
- One bigger neighborhood girls at the place we lived at tackled me to the ground, and pushed my face into the mud while sitting on me. She screamed and yelled that I was going to meet satan, and scared me very badly. (I wasnt supervised or cared for well)
* Since father beat me so often, I was always in fear and duress. It caused me to have vivid nightmares every night for many years... that literally scared the pee out of me... to awaken to a soaked bed. Mother yelling at me too.. caused it to be even worse, and last a long time. I still to this day remember most of those
Nightmares.
- First day of School when I went to ride the bus.. The teens at the trailer park grabbed me and spun me around, threating to let me go. Picked on me. Pushed me around..etc.
- At winter the Kids at the stop threw Ice balls that landed at my head, and other areas. Very painful.
* From the fact that my mother didnt care for me, my father abused me, and now people outside were messing with me... it caused me to become hateful, bitter, and much worse. I felt as if the entire world was against me. I rarely spoke to Anyone,
untill about 4th grade... and even then, it wasnt much. Because of this lack of communication, I had a very under-developed voice. You could barely hear me at all, even in complete quiet. I also wasnt developed socially. Was shy, unconfident, quiet, and non social.
- I was thin and frail, and got sick often. Missed more than half of kindergarten, so was sent to Pre-First.
- Was found out that I had Dyslexia (seeing, reading and writing letters and numbers backwards and inside out). Somehow, my mind self corrected it before 1st grade.
- Had speech impediments. Couldnt make the "S" sound, and a few others. Corrected with a speech therapist before 1st grade.
- In Pre-first, was the shortest in class.. even the woman were taller and stronger.
- Very klutzy, weak, frail. They made me go into a special gym class in pre-first cause they were worried Id get hurt with the others. I hated that, and worked very hard, and finally got good results so as to re-join the rest of the class.
Even so, I was still very weak and uncoordinated for much of my young life. I was always picked last to be on a team for Gym class.
- Not too good in school. Poor memory. Easily distracted. Daydreamed most the day away.
* Later in life, I heard that Mother took a special drug to help keep food down when she was pregnant with me. They have since banned it. More than likely, it was the reason why I
was such a mess.
- My mother was/is a chain smoker. I couldnt stand to be around her. Felt I couldnt breath, and got headaches and felt Ill from it. She wouldnt quit for me, and wouldnt even consider it. One more reason why we never got along.
After Age 5...
- Mother explained that our father was a Bad Man,
which at the time I didnt quite understand fully. It made me feel bad about myself, because I was part of my father... so I felt I was bad too.
Because of this sentence, I then started to weigh
everyone and everything... seeing what made it bad or good.
- Mother married another jerk who pushed us kids around. Luckily not as bad. But surely there was no care for us from him at all.
- Lived at an apartment complex where there were 2 bullies that beat on me, pushed me around, and picked on me constantly through several years of my time there.
- In grade school picked on cause of:
* girlish looks
* awful clothing (was poor in a well-to-do town)
* weak strength and clumsy
* not too bright, slow learner
* bad attitude. could anyone blame me. heh
* was an easy target
- Had only one 'sorta' friend in grade school, and he moved away in a years time after his mother was killed in a car crash. I was basically all alone,
all my young life.
- Always had to watch over my younger Bro and 2 sisters. Always got into trouble because of their actions.
- Had to cook and clean for them as well. Didnt have much of a childhood.
- Was never given love from mother. Only disgust, anger, and threats to kick me out every other week or so.
- I was depressed often for many reasons. One was because I always wished I could have belonged to a
family that was loving and caring. I often cried for hours during these bouts.
- Mother played mental games with us.. trying to make us feel guilty... Lying about what comments we said to her. All it did was split me further apart from her.
- My face always looked like a bitter angry frown, because I never smiled. Even when I did smile, all it did was look like a straight line, because my facial muscles were not exercised enough with smiles to actually do it. So even when I started to smile when things started to get better... it took about 1yr before it looked like I was smiling.
- I felt I was ugly, with huge nose and crooked teeth... was poor and couldnt afford nice clothes.. I hated myself, and was Disliked or hated by nearly everyone around me. Even my mother didnt want me. I contemplated suicide often. Didnt care about life at all. I Didnt have anything of value.. nor did I value nearly anything. And because of that, didnt pay any attention in school. Did poorly, barely passing each grade. Of course, mother never helped with school work. Noone would nor could help.
- One time, We had to move to a new place...
The school was very far away from our house. I overslept a few times because I was working too (16). Mother made me walk to the new school.. which I wasnt even sure I knew where it was (bus took a weird and Long path)... in the middle of the winter. If I didnt go, I was to be
kicked out. I went.. and it took me over
2hrs to walk there in the freezing cold. Thats
how nice my mother was to me.
So, those are many of the bad things that have happened in my life. Ive had to fight
very hard just to keep myself alive. Very hard to learn to open up to people and to grow as
a person. Its been many years of hellish internal pains and struggling, but for the most part, I finally had gotten over my past. It was not easy.
While Im far from perfect, I feel Ive accomplished so much... and am greatfull. Life is still hard
at times, but nothing could compare with the hardships that I fought inside of myself.
At grade 6, I finally started to open up. I learned self humility. I started to see that everyone wasnt against me. I started to try to talk to others, and get along better.
My desire to put any efforts into school were not there. I simply felt like nothing mattered. Couldnt see a future for myself at all. Only could focus on dealing with my pains, and trying to suffer through another day.
The only thing that kinda kept me going was Arcade Games. Sometimes our father would take us out to play them. They helped me to forget all the other things that bothered me... and it was the only time I had any real fun.
The other thing that helped me, was the love and attention from my mothers side Grandfather. His good nature, and warm loving heart would have a long lasting impression on me. While I didnt get to see him too often, his very apparent love for me may have saved my life.
In high school, I slowly made some more progress... but it was limited because of my previous past which others remembered. Also, because I still was so very far behind others in social maturity. Also, things at home were never very good.
At age 16, I got my first Job. I was happy to at least be able to now afford nice clothing. It made me more confident and happy. It helped my image at school both in looks, and attitude. Little did I realize, many of my problems were related to my own poor attitudes. Since I felt better about myself, I felt better about others too. My interactions were then very different.
Mother finally divorced 2nd hubby. We then had to move to another place, which was sad cause I finally was starting to feel good about things at that place. I was nervous to know how I would be accepted at the new school.
With a newly changed personality, I arrived at the new school. I was greeted warmly, and was surprised at how many people wanted to be friends with me. I was greeted with smiles and hello's all the time. I did try to be more attentive in school, and I did a little better than before.
However, in 10th grade, I messed up. I was still lazy, and didnt do the easy homework assignments. Even though I was doing very well on the tests... this school graded the homework as more than the tests!
I wasnt sure I would pass, and I told mother. I asked her, "If I fail, can I go to summer school?, I will pay for it..." She said No! She told me that if I failed, she would take away my job so I couldnt have nice clothes or be able to cut my hair. That I would have to repeat the grade and be laughed at by the other kids.
At that time, I realized the depths of how cold she was. And I knew that I could not go back to being the way it used to be. I worked so hard to get to a point where I felt ok.. and couldnt take any more pains and abuse.
Mother always threatened to send me to live with my father... and when I was younger, I was affraid of that because my father wasnt always a stable person. Stress sent him over the edge. However, I was now of decent size and strength where I believed I might be able to keep him at bay if he tried something on me.
I called my father up, who was in Florida.. and asked to move there. He was living with his aunt, my great aunt. He said it was ok.
I was going to hitch a ride to Florida with some friends that were going there for a vacation. As they came to pick me up... my mother pulled into the driveway.
She was shocked to find out that I was planning to leave. She started to cry... which shocked me.. because I had never seen her like that. She never showed an ounce of care for me.. and always was threatening me and putting me down. All I got was hate and disgust.
Seeing her cry, I thought that maybe she cared, and maybe she would treat me better. I went back upstairs considering to unpack. Then, she came back up and told me that if I wanted to leave, it would be ok with her. She didnt want me to hate her for keeping me there.
I decided to leave... because in my heart, I knew that in days time she would again treat me poorly... maybe even worse now that it was known I was planning to leave. That, and because she never said anything about summer school. But mostly, it was because I felt no Love there for me to stay. I didnt trust a lifetime worth of bad treatment for a quick change. And honestly, my brother and two sisters were always treated much better. Probably because they took the abuses from her.. and I could not. I fought back, because to me, I felt that if I took any more abuses, I would turn into nothing.
So there I was, in a Van with my friend. The trip to Florida is a VERY long one from NY. Id never been far away from home, especially on my own. About half way there, I was so terrified. Id have nobody now. I was truly on my own. I couldnt rely on my father to really help me, because he wasnt reliable. If I failed, I wouldnt be able to return home. I didnt have much money with me... nor any kind of plan.
It had been many years since I had seen my father. He had moved to Florida when I was like 10. So I had these dreams that maybe he had become a better person down there. That we would get along so well, and form a good bond.
When he arrived to pick me up, my Dream was shattered. The first thing he said to me, was that to celebrate the occasion, he was going to take me to a special sport called Hi-Ali or something like that. I really didnt want to go.. but he was pretty excited about it, so I didnt protest. When we get there, I quickly realize its a Gambling place! So here I was thinking he would be so happy to see his son... and all he was really thinking was about going to gamble.
I was sad, and angered. I let him know. Tho, because he doesnt have a soul... he really didnt care. Hes very selfish, and never considers anyone else.
As I stayed there, I basically was very nervous and scared. Not really going out, and unsure what to do next. I was considering getting a bus ticket to return to NY every day... But as the time got further and further, I realized it was too late. I was now stuck.
My Great Aunt was worse than my mother. Very strict and angry. She was a chain smoker too. But it was a little better with her, because she didnt control me, nor abuse me. I did however have to pay her about full rent for half a room. Wow.
My father worked these little part time jobs, most of which were places that were about to go out of business. He also believed he was the worlds greatest musician... and would try to get people to pay him to play music and sing. As a musician, he was good.. but sloppy. As a singer, he was pretty awful! Though he was so cocky, he never thought that. He was still expecting his 30 yr old, teen made, 2 song record... to get so huge that he would be making millions from the commission checks. That record was awful, and only a handful were ever made. Never to be heard outside of a small area in the city.
Me and Him finally got a job at a Pizza place on the beach.
To speed things up...
Father got fired.
I had no way to work. Had to take 3 buses to get there, and beg him to pick me up at night.
Father got kicked out of Aunts. I believe it was cause he didnt have the money to pay rent, and the money he was given sent from his mother, was spent on drinking and gambling.
I later moved out with roommates when aunt gave me hell about having a single work friend over for one night.
The roommates gave me a bad attitude after pretending to be friends. Stole some of my money.. almost burned the appt complex down.
Moved again, got bitten alive from place with no air-conditioning, and Dog had sand fleas.
Now, some good...
- I met a lady who led me into New Age Beliefs
These helped greatly to shape me from the inside to out. They put my fears to rest. Gave me additional strength. Made me realize deeper truths about personality, Ego, Reality, and so much more. Helped to clear my troubled mind through meditations. Gave me confidence. Gave me New Eyes to look upon life. Everywhere I now saw the true beauty in life. I now valued life, instead of thinking of ending it. And so much more.
After this revelational life altering Journey, I decided to return back to NY. I missed some family members... and really, there was nothing left for me in florida.
- Met a Girl while in a painting class at arround
age 19. Finally De-virginized heh. That was a long time to live without a girlfriend and intimate relations for most guys here.
- She was a real witch. Caused me great pains.. but I learned and grew from the experiences.
Skipping much... Accomplishments of the Material kind...
- Got a job at an Ice Cream shop. Because of my dedication, integrity, responsibility... I got promoted to Manager. I was there for over 3yrs.
For a boy who wasnt too bright, hadnt finished high school, and thought he may only ever wash dishes for life... it was a huge accomplishment.
- Found out there was an opening for Manager at the Arcade in the mall. I risked everything, and decided to go for it.
The District manager wast sure about me. He wasnt supposed to hire people without High School diplomas as managers. I told him that I would work from the bottom up. To hire me as a general worker with the intent to promote me if I did well. He agreed... however, he said I needed a Car so as to be more reliable.
I had one month to get a car, license, and insurance. I risked it. I had $4000 that I put towards a new car. That barely covered the $6000 interest! Anyway, I thank the heavens, caused I passed the drivers exam on the 1st try... Just in time for the new job. Phew!
In 3 months training, I was the new Manager of the arcade. For the 1st time in my life.. I had a job that had benefits! Woohoo It was a very hard job. I had to learn to fix many types of mechanical things by myself. I was there for another 3yrs.
Other Good Jobs Landed:
- Builder / Software install of Pc's
- Internet Phone Tech & Help desk
- Photographic Lithographer
Other Accomplishments:
- Voice is actually hearable now
- Took KungFu at age 20. Became very strong, accurate, powerful, fast, graceful, Skilled. No longer a skinny weak klutz
- Learned "Quiet Mind" thru meditations
- Learned to Oil Paint landscapes
- Learned to build PCs, install OS, and more
- Learned a good deal of Photoshop
- Learned a little bit of 3d Modeling
- Almost was successful in helping to create
a video game called "Marble Insanity"
- Acquired a full set of tools, and am decent at making practical things, and things that are for purposes of fun.
- A little less shy. A lot more open, forward, and communicative. Much more confident.
- Im still alive and kickin
While truly, Im no great success compared to many peoples ideas about success in life.. I am happy to have just made it to this point. My greatest accomplishments will always be Internal ones.
Where I was able to change so many things about myself. Going from a person who hated himself, people around him, being jealous, mean, cold, fearful, bitter, selfish, under confident, suicidal, stubborn, ego ruled, foul mouthed, angry, and worse...
To a person who is now Calm, Content, Patient, harmless - non-violent, hard to anger and cant maintain it for long, forgiving, understanding, thoughtful towards others, fears little, balanced, loves life, loves others, can live with myself and my flaws
Hope these may help others or at
least inspire a little bit.
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Topic: Inspiration - Story of Stuggle (Read 3506 times)
