Thanks, Degenatrons! I've always read about keyboard hacks, but in this day and age of quality encoders, I obviously never had to do one. This was a special case, though: my touchscreen jukebox project (which is 98% done) needed two keystrokes: ESC to exit the jukebox program, and 5 for credit. I ended up getting a Xin-Mo to handle those keypress functions because the jukebox program can handle joystick commands, but the program I am using to output music videos doesn't play nicely with joysticks, so I would absolutely NEED an ESC command to exit back to the main menu. Yeah, I know, I could either run JoyToKey or make an AHK script to do that, but I wanted to try something that ran natively and quickly, without adding another potential issue. I want users to be able to go to the juke, pick a song, push the big lit blue button to exit back to the menu, rinse and repeat. I don't need any failures along those points.
It just didn't make sense to me to pay full-price for an encoder for 2 keypresses, so I took the plunge with a broken keyboard. Took me 30-40 minutes to completely map out the matrix. When I go home, I had to scrape off the protective coat on the contacts in order to solder wires directly to the PCB. I reinforced the solder points with hot glue, then I connected the wires to two separate Molex connectors after I tested to make sure they still worked (they did!). I then hacked my internal wiring to the menu and credit buttons, taking off the Xin-Mo connector and putting on the appropriate Molex to interface with the keyboard PCB. Closed everything up, ran some tests, and everything is working exactly as it should!

I'm thrilled because I finally did a keyboard hack!!! Having said that, if I were wiring up a control panel, there's no way I would do a keyboard hack for that! For two buttons, yes. For 20+, hell no.

TL,DR version: Piss off, Ark. It worked.