What is wrong with my brother???

[newman117]

Seriously... what is wrong with him? He's obsessed with collecting DVD movies and bluray movies, he spends all of his money on movies and food, he's 19 and dropped out of college, he only talks about movies, he spends everyday in his room watching movies, if I ask him a favor like "Hey can you drive me here or take me here?" he replies with the most nastiest attitude you can ever imagine, he has never kissed a girl (tough i know), hasn't gotten a haircut since last year, he dropped some weight but got fat again, doesn't care about anyone else except him, he's isolated from society, doesn't talk anymore with his friends, doesn't care for anyone except him, he buys a big bag of chips and a 2 liter of coca cola and locks himself up in his room.

A month ago some of his friends came up to me and said: "Hey your brother... is he okay? He's kinda crazy"

I feel bad for the guy... he being my brother and all what can I do to show him there is more to life than movies? He doesn't like video games...

[SavannahLion]

Nothing.

Seriously. There's nothing you can do. If you're enabling him, then stop it. He doesn't need it.

If you try to help him or "guide" him, you risk making the situation worse. If you enable him, you're guaranteed to make the situation worse.

He sounds quite a bit like my uncle, except he has kissed a girl... way back in High School. He's always been that way, but it became obvious after the death of his parents. His parents enabled him, so he never learned how to deal with that kind of behavior properly.

I have a brother who did something similar. It took him about 20 years to figure it out and get his life back on track.

My parents were/are enablers so I have to keep that in mind when dealing with my surviving parent. I imagine if my parents kicked me out of the house when I turned 18, like they were supposed to, my professional life would be radically different today. (I'm rather satisfied with my personal life as it is.)

In a nut shell, the only thing you can do is wait until he actually desires to help himself. Once he gains that desire he'll be far more receptive to any help you or anyone else is able to give him.

I know it's probably not the answer you want to hear.

[vorghagen]

Savannah is spot on about the enabling but I wouldn't agree 100% with his next piece of advice.

Trying to help him too much does run the risk of making it worse but don't give up either. Just casually invite him along if you're going out with friends or grabbing some dinner. When he says no (which by the sounds of it, he will), don't push it, don't insist, don't try to convince him, but keep the invitation open. If he doesn't feel pressured into going he may eventually take you up on the invitation and join you.

Telling him he should be going out more. - NO
Insisting he come out after he says no. - NO
Telling him how much better it is when he DOES come out - NO
Let him realise it himself - YES           <-- this will take time

Best of luck.

[SavannahLion]

Savannah is spot on about the enabling but I wouldn't agree 100% with his next piece of advice.

You're probably referring to this comment:

If you try to help him or "guide" him, you risk making the situation worse.
<snip>
Once he gains that desire he'll be far more receptive to any help you or anyone else is able to give him.

I was thinking along the lines of those crazy "interventions" you see so often on T.V. IMHO, those interventions are scary risky. I don't believe for a minute that the volume of successful intervention seen on T.V. is actually a reflection of their true success rate.

So yeah, vorghagen raises a really good point.

[shateredsoul]

I have a friend like that. He plays video games all the time, didn't finish his BA (he had 2 more classes to go).  But it seems like there was a switch that went off.. in him.  His situation was a little different though, something seemed to have happened to him where he lost his motivation. He can even go finish his degree at a community college, I took him to see a counselor at our old college my self. I don't live back home anymore, so it's frustrating to go call him up or follow up and find out that he hasn't done anything. He's back at home now, working 2 jobs one at a shoe store and one working as a waiter. There's nothing wrong with that.. but if he had his BA he might be able to get paid a little more or get a better job. He just spends his time playing videogames, reading manga, and collecting action figures. 

It seems like when people hit some point or get depressed they find something to cling on, then they get stuck in a cycle where this hobbie is a way to not reflect on their life anymore. Our group of friends are between 27-28 and some of us are in PhD programs, many have pretty good paying jobs, and some of us are starting to form families (he too hasn't dated anyone.. kissed but that's it).

One of my friends said that he's done pushing him, when he shows the effort to help himself he'll be there to help. He's at least willing to go out. And when I took him to see a counselor at our old university he was relieved to find out that he could finish the courses at a community college (he was worried that he wouldn't be able to finish his degree). But I dunno man.. I can imagine it must be really hard with it being your brother. I'm in a situation where I feel pretty bad because I feel I can't help someone who was my best friend growing up. If your parents are supporting him financially, maybe it's time you talk to them? I would still keep an eye on him, I've heard of this type of thing leading to homelessness.

[patm95]

would it be worth talking to your parents about this?  They must be enabling him in some sort of way.  Either by giving him money so he can have his movie habit, or not charging him rent, or by just letting him keep living in the house.  Although I do see the problem as some parents don't want to admit that it is partially their fault....

[RayB]

He's only 19...

[Thenasty]

[OP] you should have let play with your Mame Cab  That will wake him up 

[jamesjones626]

maby your bro is very depressed.

[Malenko]

have you tried hitting him?

[Mikezilla]

have you tried hitting him?

Malenko beat me to it. Im not really sympathetic here, Im sorry, but does he have a reason to be holed up in there? Did something traumatic happen and he is trying to cope with it? Or is he just some punk kid that is a having a pity party? For gods sakes he is only 19. Kids now a days act like their world is gonna end if they drop their iPhone. I think if you ignore it, it will blow over.

Then again, maybe you can harness it. Does he want to get into film? 

[WhereEaglesDare]

1 - If he isn't working how is he buying movies?  Why are they giving him money when he wont do anything?

2 - If he IS working then why does it matter?  He must have some sort of life out side of his bedroom if he is working.

3 - Try to get him to realize that his attempt to catalog the great movies of today is futile because HARD MEDIA IS DEAD and antiquated.

...and hit him.

In the "industry" the first troubleshooting step is always hit it, bang it around, give it a shake, give it the good ol' drop test.
This situation should be no different.

[atomikbohm]

When I got out of high school I experienced a sever lack of "motivation".  I ended up at community college and didn't give a damn about making anything of my time there.  After about a year my folks made the hard choice and kicked ---my bottom--- out.  3 years later and several bad roommate choices (including alcoholics, drug addicts, and even a car thief) and many many many really bad choices of my own, I finally learned that there maybe something to getting my act together and doing something with my life.    

There's something to be said for letting people make their own choices and having to live with them, regardless of how painful it is to watch.  Now I applaud my parents for doing what had to be done for my own good.  ... and thank them for their sacrifice, my parents almost got a divorce over it.

My advice, after a couple of months of the behavior you listed above talk with your parents and ask what their plan is.  If they don't have one encourage them to get one that doesn't involve them taking care of your brother for the rest of their lives.

[pinballwizard79]

Your brother needs to start drinking & going to strip clubs, if that doesn't teach you social skills & ambition to get your own place I dont know what will.

[Mikezilla]

Hard media IS NOT DEAD. 

[RayB]

Hard media IS NOT DEAD. 

That's what she yelled!

[WhereEaglesDare]

Hard media IS NOT DEAD. 

That's what she yelled!

Okay okay, since Sega Genesis Carts are a form of hard media, then I guess you're right.  Not all hard media is dead, Sega Genesis Carts certainly aren't.

[Smoker]

There is a real possibility that he may be suffering from a mental illness. Talk to his parents and get them to look into NAMI http://www.nami.org/
He is an adult and that means that nobody can force him to get help. But being aware of the warning signs can help in preventing worse behavior than he is currently showing. Hopefully he just needs to get laid, so buy him a hooker!

[newkillergenius]

show him this.  Then explain a timeline to him.



One of the new X-Arcade pinups.

[Mikezilla]

Hard media IS NOT DEAD. 

That's what she yelled!

Okay okay, since Sega Genesis Carts are a form of hard media, then I guess you're right.  Not all hard media is dead, Sega Genesis Carts certainly aren't.

Ok. Thank you. 

[javeryh]

I assume since he has no job that he is still living at home with your parents?  How is he getting money for this stuff with no job?

[newkillergenius]

and I assume you may have just answered your own question?  I don't know.

[shateredsoul]

It's hard to kick your sun out though, I can imagine they are supporting him. My friend's dad let him stay with them but the dad let him have it verbally "you studied and you didn't finish, you're back home and your not even helping us, you spend the whole day playing games, etc etc.." He got worse after that but then all of the suddent he started working 2 jobs and is getting out more.  He's still at home, no girlfriend, no degree, but he's working 2 jobs and you can tell he's changed. He's more confident and He lost a lot of weight too.

[ChadTower]

Yeah, it's hard.  It's very hard.  Being hard doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do.  Some people are never going to man up so long as they have meals and a place to sleep.  They just won't. 

Most of the time in this situation, absent a traumatic event or some type of mental illness, this failure goes back years before the kid got here.  It takes years of serious enabling to make a typical kid refuse to become a man.

[newkillergenius]

 It takes years of serious enabling to make a typical kid refuse to become a man.

 

[Mikezilla]

He needs to bang out that emo-ness. That will fix everything. Boost his confidence, get some exercise, get some sun/fresh air. All good things.

[jmike]

Not sure what to tell you. But try a different approach if your brother is still acting this way. Try to show an interest in his movie hobbie. Maybe tell him you were going to buy a movie but wanted to know if he had it already. You might earn his trust this way and maybe he'll open up and tell you what's going on with him.

Good luck
 

[Rick]

Two questions I have:

Did something traumatic happen that you a) know about or b) don't know about?
What movies is he collecting/watching/talking about?  (If it's LOTR, sci-fi, or goofy boob comedies, that's fine.  If it's off-off-off-off-regular Eurasian splatter cinema, that might not be fine.)