Author Topic: So my wife returned from Afghanistan!! but... (Read 2520 times)

AmericanDemon · « **on:** July 21, 2005, 12:45:12 pm »

when she returned home I received a cold shoulder. Upon further probing she told me she needed some time to herself. This has come as a shock to everyone in the family. Its about as far away from an anticipated reaction as I could come.

Now I am moving into a friends house and I am starting to get really messed in the head.

I just needed to vent a bit. I just dont know what to do.

Stingray · « **Reply #1 on:** July 21, 2005, 12:49:32 pm »

Sorry to hear about that, man. Here's hoping you get everythign worked out soon. I'm going to run the risk of sounding like your dad and tell you to avoid the temptation of drugs & alcohol. Don't make a bad situation worse. Public service announcement over. Hope things turn around soon for you buddy.

-S

AceTKK · « **Reply #2 on:** July 21, 2005, 12:53:59 pm »

Is she in the armed forces? If not, why was she over there? Maybe living in that culture and seeing some of the devastation has affected her emotionally? There's nothing you can do but try to talk to her and understand what's going on. Ask her to be honest, and not worry about sparing your feelings. I hope you guys can work it out but life goes on either way. If she starts dropping the D-word you'd better lawyer-up as quickly as you can.

-Ace-

Clonedsheep · « **Reply #3 on:** July 21, 2005, 01:01:02 pm »

Women, Can't live with them.....Good luck my friend. Prayer helps.

missioncontrol · « **Reply #4 on:** July 21, 2005, 01:15:52 pm »

Quote from: AceTKK on July 21, 2005, 12:53:59 pm

Is she in the armed forces? If not, why was she over there? Maybe living in that culture and seeing some of the devastation has affected her emotionally?

War does some bad things to people....

You have to give her some space to let her settle back in....

Getting back home after being away for a while is very difficult the whole experience might be overwhelming her....

Let her know you are there for her if she needs to talk about it........

I know it's hard for you...youve missed her this whole time, and now this, but you got to be strong and be there for her.......

hope all goes well for you two..........

mr.Curmudgeon · « **Reply #5 on:** July 21, 2005, 01:49:37 pm »

Why was she there?

One thing you shouldn't do is freak out...take it easy and give her some space until she's able to clue you in. Don't pressure her or you risk having it go from bad to worse.

If she was there and exposed to violence or any number of stressful situations, she'll obviously have trouble adjusting back into her life here. It can be a long process.

mrC

AmericanDemon · « **Reply #6 on:** July 21, 2005, 02:00:52 pm »

She was over there for military purposes. She was a combat medic so she did see a lot of things. It just hurt me like you couldnt believe. Shes great with her sister and mom and nephew, but when it came to me.... its like she didnt have the time for me. It has really bugged the hell out of me.

I stayed at a friends house last night and I think I have found a decent temp place to stay. I think I'll let it slide and check in with her every so often to make sure she knows I am there.

mr.Curmudgeon · « **Reply #7 on:** July 21, 2005, 03:15:37 pm »

Again, I have no idea about the details...but maybe, if she was more intimate or open in the past with you, the things she saw are more difficult to deal with. Maybe it's easier for her to gloss over stuff with her family, and harder for her to forget with you. Was she closer to you than with her family?

If it was me and my girl, it'd be like that for us, since we tell each other everything...and our families just see the "happy" side.

Sounds like you are doing the right thing though. Good luck.

RayB · « **Reply #8 on:** July 21, 2005, 04:58:34 pm »

Everyone's assuming it's "the war". Sounds to me like she may have cheated on you while over there and can't hide the guilt.

AmericanDemon · « **Reply #9 on:** July 21, 2005, 05:09:40 pm »

Quote from: RayB on July 21, 2005, 04:58:34 pm

Everyone's assuming it's "the war". Sounds to me like she may have cheated on you while over there and can't hide the guilt.

I hope this isnt the case. I know that I kept myself out of any situations that would have gotten me into trouble. I missed several good parties because of that. Last night I sat down and thought about it and almost wished that I had put myself in those situations so that I would deserve this.

DrewKaree · « **Reply #10 on:** July 21, 2005, 05:50:09 pm »

Like how long? 20-to-life?

It may also be that she's tired of men....being around them, seeing how the natives treat their women.

Hey, think about it....if we could understand 'em.....they'd be MEN

Crazy Cooter · « **Reply #11 on:** July 21, 2005, 07:51:33 pm »

First thing I would do is go back home. Your couch is just as comfortable as anyone elses. If she wants a little space, that's cool, but I'd find out why. Leaving home is a step in the direction of the big "D" IMO. She might start wondering what you were doing while she was away.

I'd just lay on the couch and keep asking when dinner is ready and if she cleaned the garage yet. You know, get her back in the swing of things.

DrewKaree · « **Reply #12 on:** July 21, 2005, 08:56:18 pm »

Quote from: Crazy Cooter on July 21, 2005, 07:51:33 pm

I'd just lay on the couch and keep asking when dinner is ready and if she cleaned the garage yet. You know, get her back in the swing of things.

Which do you mean? A right and a left, or an uppercut?

ChadTower · « **Reply #13 on:** July 21, 2005, 09:05:50 pm »

So, she came home and promptly threw you out of your own house? You should not have left. If she wants that much space, she can find a temp place to stay.

Pixelhugger · « **Reply #14 on:** July 21, 2005, 09:08:55 pm »

Quote from: Crazy Cooter on July 21, 2005, 07:51:33 pm

First thing I would do is go back home.

JackTucky · « **Reply #15 on:** July 21, 2005, 09:22:12 pm »

When a woman asks for "room" in a relationship, give it to her. LOTS of room. Go on vacation. Get a tan. Lose some weight. Don't be around the Starbucks sulking.

My high school girlfriend left me after 5 years. I sulked for 6 months. Heard stories of all the guys she was with.

After I started going out, meeting "chicks", partying, she got wind of it. Guess who knocked on my door when I was poolside with 2 of my favorite hoochies?

Best aphrodisiac a woman can have, the thought she can't have you.

Also, remember one quote, 'No matter how hot a woman is, no matter how perfect, there is always a man in her past who is saying, "Thank God that ---auto-censored--- is gone"'

Sorry to hear about your problems. I suspect many members of the military come back with changed ideals.

Art

<edit> Interesting that b**ch gets auto censored. I'm quite sure I saw the "F" word somewhere else in everything else....

Pixelhugger · « **Reply #16 on:** July 21, 2005, 09:30:11 pm »

I have some friends that work with vets returning from both fronts. They say the scope of the psychological impact is worse in some ways than it was for many returning from Vietnam.

In Vietnam you knew you were getting shot at. You had an enemy and some form of engagement.

In these new conflicts GI's never know when they are "on" and when they are not. A car bomb or roadside bomb is likely to go off at any second. So they are really on patrol 24/7. Seems like a subtle difference but my friends say the psychological impact of expecting a blast any second (not only at night in the forest with gun drawn) is causing a whole new kind of trauma for returning soldiers. Waaaaay different from the kind of relationship dynamic during domestic pressures. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt until the smoke clears. And for GODS SAKE don't do anything to aggrevate the situation. No mind game playing.

Setabs · « **Reply #17 on:** July 22, 2005, 08:37:38 am »

Seek counseling. Seriously you can even get a paid vacation to Mexico or Hawaii I believe if you use the base's counselors. Probably some post traumatic stress.

ChadTower · « **Reply #18 on:** July 22, 2005, 09:26:51 am »

Sure, and your military profile ends up having "psychologically damaged" written all over it, effectively negating any promotion prospects she may have. It's already hard enough being a woman in the military... the wrong psych profile gets put into her record and she's finished.

RayB · « **Reply #19 on:** July 22, 2005, 10:34:16 am »

Quote from: Pixelhugger on July 21, 2005, 09:08:55 pm

I disagree with RayB 100% I don't think that's very likely. I do think the stress of war, what she's seen and all that has got her confused and probably disoriented. That will pass and you'll be there when it subsides. But don't go loosing your temper or doubting her in ANY way until after that point.

You're ignoring the fact that he said she is acting normal with everyone else. I find that unusual.

AD: Let's say she did "cheat". Personally I would say to forgive and forget. We can't even begin to imagine the kind of stress, and psychological torture it must be like over there. The concept of monogamy under those kinds of conditions is just so utterly ridiculous. It's like asking someone to stop eating. The body has its needs and its damn ridiculous to try and suppress those needs, especially under excaserbating circumstances.

ChadTower · « **Reply #20 on:** July 22, 2005, 10:40:37 am »

He never said she was normal with everyone else, he said she was normal with sister and mom and nephew. Those are two closely related woman and a related (probable) boy. That is not a regular person, nor a man, nor a potential spouse/lover.

It would be interesting to note whether she reacts to all nonrelated men this way. If she has a problem with all men now, considering where she was, perhaps she was sexually assaulted.

It's probably just post war stress, but you'll never know unless she talks. Either way, reclaim your home. If she wants out she can have it.

defender2005 · « **Reply #21 on:** July 22, 2005, 11:28:34 am »

Quote

All I can say is if she did and I find out who it was, I'll be off the boards for a while.

ChadTower · « **Reply #22 on:** July 22, 2005, 12:10:00 pm »

If she deserves space, what does he deserve? To lose his home and his wife without having done anything wrong?

daywane · « **Reply #23 on:** July 22, 2005, 01:18:05 pm »

move back home!
work it out. not being there is bad. Not going to be a quick fix.
good luck.
ask her every day ... ready to talk yet. No? just go on with her. She will give in and talk.

Havok · « **Reply #24 on:** July 22, 2005, 02:15:58 pm »

Move back in, be nice but don't bug her. Hopefully she'll warm back up to you, she may just not be ready for a "close" relationship after being in a hellhole. If she cheated, dump her - cheaters always cheat..

Good luck with it, hope everything turns out for the best...

missioncontrol · « **Reply #25 on:** July 22, 2005, 03:02:01 pm »

everybodies so quick to suggest she cheated..........

come one guys you assuming her guilty of adultry before all the facts are laid out.........

ChadTower · « **Reply #26 on:** July 22, 2005, 03:05:43 pm »

You said laid out.

DarkKobold · « **Reply #27 on:** July 22, 2005, 03:10:07 pm »

I'd have to agree with Missioncontrol. She was in f'ing Afghanastan. She saw things that we can't even dream of. I can't imagine the mental and emotional termoil she is in.

Did anyone pause to think that maybe she is only cold towards AD because she feels comfortable being cold to only him? Like, everything else is an act, and her true feelings toward AD come out because that is who she really depends on? Perhaps she is just waiting to cry and let it all out to him. This woman has been to hell and back.

For god's sakes guys, get your mind out of the gutter.

AmericanDemon · « **Reply #28 on:** July 23, 2005, 12:57:52 pm »

I had the opportunity to talkto her for a few moments yesterday. I came home and the house was in a disarray. We were planning to move to our new house when she got home and well... she started packing stuff up for the move. Regardless, it appears as if shes trying to re-acclimate herself to being back home. She said she's trying to learn to be herself again.

I told her that I wasnt doing very good at leaving her alone, because I am afraid that staying away for too long will make her think I do not care, but on the other hand if I stay around too much she will feel pressured. She said she would sit down with me when she comes back from Camp Atterbury (she has to go for 5 days for debriefing).

I am not sure whats to come at this point, but for right now it seems a shade brighter than the previous couple of days.

Thanks everyone for comments and notes of encouragement.

Arcadiac · « **Reply #29 on:** July 23, 2005, 04:54:47 pm »

AD, I Googled something for you, check it out:

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=combat+veteran+spouses+support+group&btnG=Google+Search

Help is available, don't be afraid to seek it. You are confused and feel alone, now may be the perfect time to seek out others who have been where you are at now and have made it through. Here's hoping you can find some understanding, support and relief from people with experience.

Best wishes and hang in there, ARCADIAC!

missioncontrol · « **Reply #30 on:** July 23, 2005, 05:39:43 pm »

good to hear things are sounding positive............

Quote from: AmericanDemon on July 23, 2005, 12:57:52 pm

I told her that I wasnt doing very good at leaving her alone, because I am afraid that staying away for too long will make her think I do not care, but on the other hand if I stay around too much she will feel pressured.

good choice of words.

hope everything works to the best.............


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