Divorce and the aftermath

[3dmacman]

Just wondering how many of you out there went through a divorce as I am going through one right now.

[hulkster]

my parents went through one when i was little.  i wasnt old enough to know anything about it then, but now that im older (23) its starting to get to me a little more.  im newly married, and the only positive thing about my parents being divorced was that it makes me strive to be a better husband and father to my kids when i have them.  its the kids that suffer the most in a divorce because they didnt do anything, but have to do deal with the consequences.  

dont mean to rain down on your or anything, but after dealing with one all my life, its kinda hard to be nice about it.

[SpamMe]

I'm on the other side of the spectrum.

My parents are going through a divorce now (I'm 22. This is about 12 or 13 years after their marriage had disintegrated irretrievably). I can say with all certainty that this should have happened a long time ago. I firmly believe that divorce inherently harms children far less than a loveless marriage (or any variation on the "staying together for the kids" pretense). There is no sound reason to postpone the inevitable when there are children involved, in my opinion.

[hulkster]

true, when it all comes down to it....divorce is a lose-lose situation.  nothing good really comes out of it.

[Floyd10]

My parents divorced when i was one, and I don't really have a father, or a father figure for that matter. It definitely has effected me in a major way. I am much more depressed, and I think it's sad that I don't have a dad.

[Snarbald]

My parents waited until I was about to graduate highschool to get divorce. Being upset about it and stuff aside, this was the worst possible timing for my life as now all their money, credit, etc, was tied up in the divorce when I was trying to get into a college. They either should've gotten the divorce when they first decided they weren't happy or at least waited long enough to get me and my sister into college.

As a side note, in the six or so years since the divorce a get along with my dad better than before and my mom not as good as before.

[DarkKobold]

I am only 24, but I am deathly afraid of both, divorce and/or a loveless marriage. I think it is a controlling factor to me when I date someone.  My last girlfriend was more obsessed with getting married than getting married to me. Scared the crap out of me.

I'd rather die alone than die next to someone who makes me wish I was  alone.

Best of luck to you 3dmacman.... Just make sure you get a good lawyer. Things are really slanted towards women these days!  

[RacerX]

...
I'd rather die alone than die next to someone who makes me wish I was  alone.
...

I could not agree more.  I'm 35, and I've never been married.  Sometimes I feel down because of it, but then I think about what life would be like if I was married to the wrong woman (who I almost did marry).  Then I thank my lucky stars and go play on my MAME cab!    

[Tailgunner]

I could not agree more.  I'm 35, and I've never been married.  Sometimes I feel down because of it, but then I think about what life would be like if I was married to the wrong woman (who I almost did marry).  Then I thank my lucky stars and go play on my MAME cab!    

Same here, 39 and still happily single. My best friend had to get divorced twice before he finally learned his lesson.

@3dmacman: Sorry to hear about your troubles. Hopefully you've got a good attorney that'll cover your arse. If not, get one NOW. Going through a divorce is bad enough, getting screwed over in the process isn't something I'd wish on anybody.

[sonicflood]

I'm 37 & was married (1st & only time) in 1999.  I got divorced in 2001.  It was the single most devestating time of my life!  She was cheating on me, siphoning $$$ without my knowledge and tried to take everything I owned!  I had bought my house before we were married (by myself) and spent a lot of money fixing it up.  I finally settled with her and gave her $10k to just go away!  I had to get a equity loan to pay her.  Still paying that off too!  I had a POS lawyer with no backbone and was hoping to get in & out for a quick buck and have me sell everything and move on.  Worst advice ever!  And... I paid them for this idiotic advice!  

I'm no longer bitter.  I now think it was the best thing that could have happened.  I am happier now than I've ever been in my life and I am able to do anything I want, when I want to!  She would have had a total come apart if I were still married and I were building a MAME cab!  Ha!

It took me a long time to trust a woman after that.  I am now open to being in a relationship. I am in no hurry though, as I am financially ok & have many great hobbies & friends.

My advice is to stay calm.  Admit that it is over and that you will become a much stronger person!  Each day that passes is a bit closer to finalizing the divorce and to moving on with your life.  Maybe some councelling would be helpful.  I attribute my ability to get through it all easier and realize "it wasn't me" via councelling.

I wish you the absolute best and am willing to be a listener if you need someone to talk to.

Take care of yourself & try to have some FUN!!!!!!  

Scott

[DrewKaree]

My parents divorced when i was one, and I don't really have a father, or a father figure for that matter. It definitely has effected me in a major way.

That's your case...divorce doesn't make everyone a liberal  

Went through one.  It's like this.....Have a day....every day....because I don't want you to have a GOOD day.

That's how I felt about her, myself, my life, my situation, about everything I experienced in life.  

I feel for you, because I have some idea of what you're going through.  It IS possible to come out the other side of this in better shape than when you went in.  Just drop me a PM....I'll show you the bright side when you just had a tanker truck-load of crap dumped on your formerly nice life.

[3dmacman]

Thank you all for your support in these tough emotional and financial times. The divorce is not going to be contested so far.  I am paying for the divorce so on top of my mortgage, car pay, cc etc. any money I could use to go out on is null. My best friend of over ten years has moved in and will pay me rent. As a couple me and my ex wife just grew apart over the past 10-12 months. I mostly blame her brother that moved in for the past 9 months. He sold drugs, even though I told him not to, he couldn't keep a job for more than a month, which consisted of four jobs  with a total of four months work. Never paid rent, the ex gave him her car so he could get a job and we went out and got her another car. So my name is on three vehicles including my own. God knows if he has made a payment towards that car, last time I checked it was two months behind. And we were paying his share of the insurance as well.  He took advantage of us and it destroyed our marriage because according to her I never gave him a chance. Even though I put up with his lazy, partying, no job  ass for nine months, I even let him stay a month after the ex left so he would get his shiitte together. Finally I told him to get out in to weeks, I needed my space and I didn't want to support him anymore. Sorry to rant on like this but it helps to blow some steam. I have been seperated for close to two months now. Hopefully after this year I get the hell on with living or get the hell on with dying. Mostly living.

[JackTucky]

I'm 38 and happily married for 9 years.  But I AM married.  So.

Do you know why divorce costs so much?

"It's worth it"  

Art

[3dmacman]

Mostly court costs and attorneys fees. Thats if it is not contested, if it is then the lawyers start to work on the clock. Which is about $100.00 an hour= $1200 or more just for the lawyers. Like I said this divorce is costing me in more than just emotions and feelings, it is hitting my pocketbook as well.

[Crazy Cooter]

Her brother has a car that's in your name and won't pay?  And he's pushing dope?  Dude, you need to call the police.  Get it back immediately.  It's in your name so tell him to return it now or you will report it stolen.  Then switch your name off the ex's car too.  You don't need to be supporting the whole world.

If he gets busted in your car, it could become state property.  Then you have to pay a loan for a car that was auctioned to somebody else.  Cover your backside before you get burned.

[fredster]

3dmacman,

Sorry to hear about your divorce man.  It's never a good time and it's never easy.  It's a nasty thing dealing with inlaws that are so worthless too.

Just try and get through it showing the best side you can.  The quicker you get through it, the quicker you can heal.  

Stick with your job and hold onto your friends.  Try and find a way to blow off steam like working out or recreation you enjoy.

[3dmacman]

Thanks for the advice fredster, I am currently member of a gym, of which my ex also joined with me. Now my room mate is paying for the right to go to the gym. Seeing how she never paid me for it. As soon as the divorce is final my name will be off those other cars and he can just keep on screwing her instead of the both of us.

[zaphod]

Her brother has a car that's in your name and won't pay?  And he's pushing dope?  Dude, you need to call the police.  Get it back immediately.  It's in your name so tell him to return it now or you will report it stolen.  

I agree 100%.  If it's in your name only, you have every right to do so.

Then switch your name off the ex's car too.  

Normally that would involve getting a new loan, with only her name.  May not be easy to do.

Cover your backside before you get burned.

Get  balances on all your accounts.  Cancel any credit cards she has joint acces to.   Keep an eye on any 401k and other retirement dollars.  Document every debt the deadbeat hasn't paid.  

Good luck.  

[tep0583]

Did that early this year myself.

It sounds like Sonicflood married my ex's evil twin. My best advice is to get a good lawyer and do everything he suggests. Get anything you are giving to her out of your name BEFORE the divorce is final. Get everything you don't want her to clean out away from her reach. Basically, you take the inititive and make her play the 'game' on your terms.  Even that doesn't always maen you're not going to have problems. I'm probably going to end up having to drag my ex back into court to recoup costs for things she agreed to pay for. Keep in mind that your joint debts will become YOUR debts if she doesn't pay them.

Beyond that, keep your friend close, you'll need them. Mine got me throught some pretty rough times. If you want to know anything or just want to talk to some one who's been though this, feel free to IM me. I have no problems talking about my 'experiences'. If your soon to be ex is relitively sane, I can regale you with some horror stories to make things maybe seem a little better for you.

Lastly, I cannot agree mo0re with crazy cooter, take controll of your assets, reguardless of what you plan to eventually plan to do with them, before she does. You'll save yourself a lot of problems later if you do.

[Trenchbroom]

Hmmm...after reading this thread, maybe I'll go give the wife of 6 happy years a hug.

 

[Darkstalker]

Just do yourself a favor and file for seperation IMMEDIATELY.  That way, if she goes on a wild spending spree, or screws herself financially some other way, you aren't liable.

[Matt, GoC]

Lemmie get this straight.  He has YOUR car, lived in YOUR house, sold drugs on YOUR dime (and didn't share the profit no less), and you didn't kick his ass because why?  Dude, he at the very least deserves a vicious beating.  Then send him to jail to be the girlfriend of some big black man named "Tiny".  That's what I'd do.  Your solution may vary.
Me, I don't loan my car to ANYBODY.  Only me and anyone who is fixing it gets to drive it.  Get yours back before the cops are knocking down your door because junkie-boy used it for a get-away vehicle.
I mean this in the nicest possible way, but grow a pair; you're gonna need them in the months to come.

EDIT: Before anyone says I'm being insensitive or anything I just want the man to stand strong so he doesn't get railroaded during the divorce.  Nobody likes to be on the short end of a messy divorce if it happens.

[3dmacman]

As far as that car is concerned is in my name and hers. She is currently paying for it and his share of the insurance. My lawyer will take my name off that ---steaming pile of meadow muffin--- as soon as the divorce is final. As far as finances goes, we had seperate checking account, my cc is in my name only. So far the divorce has been smooth, only the final payments remain. The more I think about what has happened the more I realized I was completely taken advantage and will never allow that kind of crap to happen again.

[Darkstalker]

As far as that car is concerned is in my name and hers. She is currently paying for it and his share of the insurance. My lawyer will take my name off that <auto-censored> as soon as the divorce is final. As far as finances goes, we had seperate checking account, my cc is in my name only. So far the divorce has been smooth, only the final payments remain. The more I think about what has happened the more I realized I was completely taken advantage and will never allow that kind of crap to happen again.

Doesn't matter who's name is on what.  If she screws up, you are still liable since you are married.  File for seperation.

[tep0583]

As far as that car is concerned is in my name and hers. She is currently paying for it and his share of the insurance. My lawyer will take my name off that <auto-censored> as soon as the divorce is final. As far as finances goes, we had seperate checking account, my cc is in my name only. So far the divorce has been smooth, only the final payments remain. The more I think about what has happened the more I realized I was completely taken advantage and will never allow that kind of crap to happen again.

Amen to that, man. I guess some of us have to learn that the hard way. I realized the exact same thing.

I'd second the suggestion that you file for seperation, if only to cover yourself.

[Chazz]

My parents divorced when I was about 11.  My father was a first class A-Hole.  After the divorce we all said he was going to die a lonely old man.  He passed away last year, his body was discovered two weeks after he died by a neighbor.

I'll never understand how some people can be so cruel to the ones you're suposed to love the most.