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Author Topic: An open letter to everyone.  (Read 630 times)

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An open letter to everyone.
« on: December 04, 2018, 05:05:51 pm »
I didn't want to do this but the same thing keeps happening over and over so in a desperate attempt to stop those who can't behave themselves I'll try this one last time.  I wrestled all night in regards to talking about this... on more than one occasion I could have brought it up, but it's private... I just didn't want people to think of me differently, but at this point I just don't care what people think. 

My Mamaw (Grandma) first started having significant memory problems about 10 years ago.  She was always good to me and I love her a lot even now.  At first it was things that weren't terribly important and she could live her life more or less normally but very swiftly it became apparent that she needed help.  At first I just helped her out... remind her to do this and that, drive her wherever she needed to go... no big deal.  As the years rolled on though it got to the point to where somebody needed to stay with her.  I was young and didn't really have any time in anywhere to speak of so I stepped up.  About five years ago things got really bad.  Mamaw was in a car accident in the 70's and she almost died from it.  It killed one of her kidneys, damaged one of her lungs and damaged vertebrae giving her life long back pain.  She's a tough woman, so she lived life pretty normally, but as she got older the pain got worse.... They explored surgical options (nothing they go do), gave her cortisone shots, the whole deal.  Eventually they put her on everyone's favorite scourge, the opoid.   All of this started well before I was even thought about and throughout her life she used them responsibly, seldom using her full prescription because she feared she had become addicted.  Well when her memory went that's exactly what happened.  Mom and I took over her meds as soon as we caught it, but she was a ball of rage and hate towards anyone that didn't give her a pill anytime she wanted one.  Over the course of the next year and a half mom and I went through pure hell.  I had a small trailer on the property next to Mamaw's house so I could rest away from her and she would run over to that trailer every night demanding pills, yelling, cussing, calling me every name under the sun and because part of her mind was still there she knew the exact things to say to hurt me, to hurt mom, to hurt the only two people in the world who cared enough to look after her.  So that coupled with the ways I was bullied as a little kid means that at this point NOBODY is going to call me a name and get away with it.  Arguments sure, all healthy people have those, but it should never cross that line. 

So things only got worse from there.  The woman literally yelled herself into a heart attack and died on the table twice while they were repairing the damage.  You would think that would slow her down but it didn't.  She was pure hell for the week or so she was in the hospital.  She was so bad that they would actually call us at night to come and calm her down and before her release they actually had to send her to a specialist and get her on anti-psychotics just to get her calmed down enough to where she wouldn't kill herself from rage.  After she was home we still had to deal with the withdrawals and it was months before she calmed down.  Oh and while this was happening mom's husband was diagnosed with cancer... he's fought it twice since then.  So since then I've been Mamaw's sole caretaker.  My entire life revolves around her and her schedule.  At first it was so overwhelming that I just wasn't taking care of myself.  It led to most of the medical problems I've mentioned in the past... every specialist I saw said that stress was the primary cause of all of my issues.  They eventually diagnosed me with Migraines (among other things) and put me on anti-depressants.  Boy those are really working.  I haven't killed myself yet so I guess that's something. 

I want to talk about myself for a minute and explain the type of person I am.  Growing up I was a model student.  Polite, courteous, respectful of others, got excellent grades, ect.  I was bullied because of it.  On student evaluations ove rthe years three things kept popping up.... that I was "a joy to have as a student", that I was "very mature for my age"  and that I was "sometimes too smart for my own good".  I didn't understand what that meant at the time.  I don't want to paint a perfect picture of myself though... I had my own issues growing up like everybody does, but as a whole I was a good kid.  The type of person I am now isn't much different.  Please and thank you are my goto words.  Everybody who's got a title or a do business with gets and automatic Sir or Ma'am.  I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs and I don't sleep around.  I always put my shopping cart back in the cart return.  I dontae to charity. I don't litter and I try to treat everyone with respect.  I've dedicated my life to trying to be good, to always try and do the right thing and the universe is continually punishing me for that. 

I told you all of that because I want you to understand where I'm coming from.  Mamaw and barely human now.  On good days she can eat by herself if I cut it up for her and maybe carry on a simple conversation.  On bad days she's like a zombie staring at the wall.  Even on good days she can't get around easy so I constantly have to lifet and pull on her.  She's also fully incontenant at this point, not even realizing when she's went on herself, often doing it in her sleep, so to be blunt I spend my days doing laundry and cleaning up poop and pee.  Yesterday I spent 45 minutes cleaning up what could be a guiness world record for the biggest mushy poop ever laid by an old lady only to check the old forums and find that two people had called me names.  Yeah, that was not a good time to do that.  One of those people has been told repatedly by me to please cut me a little slack and yet repeatedly they keep antagonizing me. 

The point is, My life is over, I don't have one anymore.  Mom and Steve (her husband and the closest thing to a father I ever had) are doing all they can but mom is still working full time.  She comes up a couple of evenings a week because I have a hard time showering her and to her credit any time I need her she's here but I feel guilty asking too much of her when she's still working.  She's got two more years, then we have to figure something out.  I'll be 41 by then with barely any full time work and a severaly outdated resume.  I've had no time for dating or socializing... so I'll be alone too.  I found out a few days ago that my best friend in the whole world fried is brain on some kind of synthetic marijuana.  I hadn't talked to him in years because his whole family was on drugs and understand that he's literally family.  Half of my extended family is dead on dope at this point.  Nearly every friend I had is dead or in jail and I certainly don't have the opportunity to socialize with those who are left the way things are.  I can spend a little time by myself of the day, but I have to be within earshot in case she needs something or gets scared or is about to have a fall.   Thankfully she now sleeps well at night, so I have the nights to myself.  After a day of that though I don't feel much like doing anything.  I'll maybe play a video game or watch tv or work on a project here.  I've played more games in the last few years than I have my whole life but the stress keeps me from enjoying them. My big outing is to go to the grocery store every other week and maybe stop in a store or two on the way home. 

What I'm getting at is I'm alone.  Aside from maybe talking to a doctor or grocery clerk or calling mom I have next to no interaction with people anymore.  You guys are it.  This kind of stuff is what I"m intersted in and most of you are nice guys.  It's supposed to be a safe place and yet time and time again I keep having to be the bigger man and either ignore people who can't act right or leave the forum for extended periods to let things calm down.  I'm sure it's nothing to most of you.  "Old Howie said something I didn't agree with so I called him a moron and he over-reacted. "  And then you log off and go on with your realitively nice life.  I don't.  This is pretty much it for me now.  I spend my days cleaning up poop and pee, lifting someone I have no business lifting.  I watch someone I love dearly fade away every day.. the only person that even came close to understanding me.  I spend my nights worrying about her and dreading the next day when it will start all over again so I stay up too late and I"m always tired.  I spend every free moment trying to distract myself from the horror that is my life and a lot of that distraction comes from here... I need it to function now, so I'm not going away.

So there I am, laid naked before you all.  I'm ashamed.  Ashamed I can't keep it together.  Ashamed that I didn't make the right decisions that would have maybe put my family in a better position to take care of her and ashamed that I'm powerless to help her.  I'm also angry for the very same reasons.  I'm warning you all... you don't want to get in front of that anger. 

So we aren't going to talk about this.  I've said it, there it is, take it how you will.  I don't need apoligies and I sure as hell don't need snide comments.  Right now I don't feel much like talking... I might be back in a year, or a month or more likely in a few days but I'll be back.  When you interact with me in the future keep all of this in mind. 

if some of you are still harboring some sort of resentment towards me maybe you can find comfort in the fact that my life is miserable and when this is over I'll be old with no years put in so I'll most likely end up at some dead end job for the rest of my life and that's probably a best case scenario.  So congratulations, everything you thought about me is true.  I hope it makes you feel better.