well, i got this partially resolved. i hooked up an lcd monitor as a second display, set it to 640x480 as well, and positioned it below the first monitor. that way the OK and Apply buttons were visible on the second monitor. i then changed the resolution of the tv to 640x432, and played with the overscan until it filled the screen. not only does it fill the screen, but it looks so much clearer on the windows desktop.
i have to make a new mala layout because the one i am using is fixed at 640x480.
however when i launch games in mame, they still have black bars on the sides. i can eliminate it by forcing a stretch, which doesnt squash the horizontal games too much, but it makes the vertical games look horrible. if only there was a way to stretch only the horizontal games, without manually setting it for each rom. i guess it isn't that big of a deal, but it just bothers me a little. at least the windows desktop and front end fill the screen now.
thanks for your help and suggestions.