New Rules for 2007

[DrewKaree]

These is just jokes.  Don't like 'em, go get an analstickremovalectomy.  These are funny, I don't care who y'are!

 
New Rule: 1
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!  There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days . . . mowing my lawn.
 
New Rule: 2
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili.  Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
 
New Rule: 3
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: Lucky ---daisies---.
 
New Rule: 4
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
 
New Rule: 5
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
 
New Rule: 6
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
 
New Rule: 7
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
 
New Rule: 8
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ---uvula---. If  you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grandee half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ---uvula---.
 
New Rule: 9
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
 
New Rule: 10
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
 
New Rule: 11
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
 
New Rule: 12
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
 
New Rule: 13
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
 
New Rule: 14
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
 
New Rule: 15 (and this one is long overdue)
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
 
New Rule: 16
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
 
New Rule: 17
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying,
 "Do you want fries with that?"

[Chris G]

I like #16.  We don't have kids yet, so I may still end up talking like that someday, but for now it just bugs me.  I like math and all, but damn... 

[danny_galaga]

You're not spiritual. You're just high.[quote/]

 

[DrewKaree]

You're not spiritual. You're just high.[quote/]

 

Mebbe you'll work on your quote-fu this year?

[danny_galaga]

You're not spiritual. You're just high.[quote/]

 

Mebbe you'll work on your quote-fu this year?

perhaps even work on my link fu (",)

[DrewKaree]

You're not spiritual. You're just high.[quote/]

 

Mebbe you'll work on your quote-fu this year?

perhaps even work on my link fu (",)

I am SO gonna write that in for a candidate in the next election!  Jedi party is yesterday's news!  Next stop, lemon fever sweeping the nation! 

[patrickl]

They had a follow up on this, but it's hardly funny:

   Latest Bill Maher Rant

[danny_galaga]

They had a follow up on this, but it's hardly funny:

   Latest Bill Maher Rant

"Okay, New Rule: Pizza joints must stop hanging pictures of Z-level celebrities on their walls. It doesn’t impress me that 12 years ago, “21 Jump Street’s” Richard Grieco stopped in for a slice. Especially since he’s working there now. Cruel. Poor Richard. Give him a job, somebody!"

 

[patrickl]

They had a follow up on this, but it's hardly funny:

   Latest Bill Maher Rant

"Okay, New Rule: Pizza joints must stop hanging pictures of Z-level celebrities on their walls. It doesn’t impress me that 12 years ago, “21 Jump Street’s” Richard Grieco stopped in for a slice. Especially since he’s working there now. Cruel. Poor Richard. Give him a job, somebody!"

 

I think he looked kinda cool in Booker, but if you see recent pics of him it's just scary. They better have some old pictures of him cause otherwise you won't want to eat anymore anyway.

[Melissa Jones]

New Rule: 5
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

So you want me to look like Bert from sesame street?   

[DrewKaree]

New Rule: 5
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

So you want me to look like Bert from sesame street?   

You're more of an "Ernie"

[gnateye]

those are awesome i've always loved to tease people who have asian character tatoos ans ask them what they "think" they say

i have one, but i had a chinese friend who i trust make sure i was getting what i wanted plastered on my hide

[shardian]

i have one, but i had a chinese friend who i trust make sure i was getting what i wanted plastered on my hide

I'd trust him less than a tatoo parlor.

[ChadTower]

It wasn't that long ago that when someone had a logo tattooed on them it meant they were owned by someone else.

[(+_+)]

Apparently, some of those lower back chinese symbol tats are like fortune cookie expressions.

"He who follows signs to the crevasse will find love"

[DrewKaree]

i have one, but i had a chinese friend who i trust make sure i was getting what i wanted plastered on my hide

I'd trust him less than a tatoo parlor.

He's figured that out since every asian guy he shows it to asks him if it's really free if he pulls their poi poi