Greetings from the ACLU

[ChadTower]

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01



RE: Christmas Party



I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on

December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill

House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small

band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be

surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will

be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that

time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts

easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO

will make a special announcement at that time!



Merry Christmas to you and your family.



Patty



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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02



RE: Holiday Party



In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We

recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with

Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on! we're

calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other

employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation

Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We

will have other types of music for your enjoyment.



Happy now?



Happy Holidays to you and your family.



Patty



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--------! --

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03



RE: Holiday Party



Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous

requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to

accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA

Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?



Somebody?



Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the

union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe

$10.00 is a little chintzy.



NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

!



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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 04,

! RE: Holiday Party



What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the

Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during

daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a

luncheon at this time of year do! es not accommodate our Muslim employees'

beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the

end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in

little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for

members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and

pregnant women will get the table closest to t! he restrooms. Gays are allowed

to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will

have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay

men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no

cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the

salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure

to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the

restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!



Did I miss anything?!?!?



!

Patty



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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director



TO: All ---smurfing--- Employees

DATE: October 05

RE: The ---smurfing--- Holiday Party



Vegetarian ---punks--- I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this

party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly

at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,

and you'll get your ---smurfing--- salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you

know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've

heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a

rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,



The ---smurfette--- from HELL!!!!!!!!



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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 06



RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party



I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and

I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has

decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the

23rd off with full pay

[nighthawk2099]

And to all a "Merry-Happy  ChrisRamadaHanukKwanza !" 

[ChadTower]

I protest your limiting concept of a winter based holiday making someone happy.

I demand that you remove that from your greeting.

[Stingray]

I hope everyone here has a crappy damn time from now until January.

Anybody have a problem with that?

-S

[ChadTower]

No, as I was going to tell you to kiss an ass anyway.  Carry on, you are now ACLU approved.

[whammoed]

Happy Festivus.

[mr.Curmudgeon]

In regards to the upcoming "Holidays", this certainly cheered me up: http://www.fuckchristmas.org/  (It's a great read.)


Fun Facts:

- Yuletide is a Pagan celebration of solstice.
- Romans celebrated the birth of Mithra on, you guessed it, Dec. 25th.

Favorite quote:

"And you

[Stingray]

You might as well be building miniature ---smurfing--- Stonehenges in your den."[/i]

What's all this pagan xmas stuff got to do with Spinal Tap?

-S

[Harry Potter]

The Xmas black hole is sucking up my wallet.

[AtomSmasher]

I think that letter get circulated every year, but its still as funny as the first time I've read it.

Merry Christmas

[ChadTower]

In regards to the upcoming "Holidays", this certainly cheered me up: http://www.fuckchristmas.org/  (It's a great read.)

Somehow, people tell ME I hate everything. 

[DrewKaree]

In regards to the upcoming "Holidays", this certainly cheered me up: http://www.fuckchristmas.org/  (It's a great read.)

Somehow, people tell ME I hate everything. 

That's just his idea of "his duty as an American"

[ChadTower]

Well, I am the guy that, when asked by my grand mother in law why I don't send out Xmas cards, responded with "because I haven't figured out how to take a clear picture of my own behind yet".

[DrewKaree]

Well, I am the guy that, when asked by my grand mother in law why I don't send out Xmas cards, responded with "because I haven't figured out how to take a clear picture of my own behind yet".

I don't think that's specific to you though.  I haven't mastered that skill either, much to my chagrin

Of all the things I think Stingray MIGHT be proficient at, this one seems like it'd rank high on the list

[Stingray]

Sit on your scanner. Amatures.

-S

[ChadTower]

The only scanner I have is so old it works via parallel port and is only marginally functional with XP.

[DrewKaree]