Thread for posting funny jokes

[markrvp]

Let's keep this going . . . .


We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ....
 
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
 
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
   
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

[nostrebor]

A man sitting next to a beautiful blonde on a plane looked over to see
her seemingly in shock from the headline in the newspaper she was
holding, which read "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed in Riots."

He asks, "Are you okay?"

She turned toward him and with trembling voice asked, "How many is a
brazillian?"

[ChadTower]

She turned toward him and with trembling voice asked, "How many is a
brazillian?"

HA.

[More Cowbell]

A lady walks up to the checkout stand at the grocery store with a gallon of milk, a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and 2 candy bars. The man in line in front of her says, "Pardon me, but you're single aren't you?"
She says, "Why yes, how did you figure that out."
He says, "Because you're so damn ugly."

[Clonedsheep]

 
  A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot annouces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Here you go, you crazy ---smurfette---, iron this." 

[MameJunkie]

Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing

BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK!

[MameJunkie]

 
A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school.
"Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"


"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

[MameJunkie]

I got a new car radio yesterday and it is terrific.

If I say "Rock" it plays rock and roll.

If I say "Rap" it plays rap.

If I say "Love" it plays love songs.

Three kids ran out in front of the car and I said "F *#^ing kids!"

And it played Michael Jackson.

[duffjr]

pics of the above?

[missioncontrol]

pics of the above?

[duffjr]

one more post up.

so abraham and mordechai are walking down the street and they see a sign above a church that says, "convert to christianity, make 50 bucks."

abraham says to mordechai, "mort, check it out.  i should do that."

mordechai responds, "abe, you'd forsake our lord?"

abe says, "it's for 50 bucks, though!"

a week later mort sees abe walking down the street and says, "hey abe, how was the conversion?  did you actually do it for 50 bucks?"

abe replies, "is that all you people think about?"

[DrewKaree]

pics of the above?

I'm sure something like this fit the joke better

[missioncontrol]

he only asked for pics of the above he didn't specify which MJ pictures he wanted

[SirPeale]

he only asked for pics of the above he didn't specify which MJ pictures he wanted

He didn't specify he wanted MJ pictures at all.  *I* read it as he wanted to see pictures of a blonde with naked 36Cs.

[Bones]

.

[markrvp]

Q:  What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a sorority track team?

A:  A tribe of pygmies is a bunch of cunning little runts.  A sorority track team is a bunch of running little . . .

[markrvp]

What did one lesbian frog say to the other one? 

"We really do taste like chicken."

[markrvp]

What do you all a gay dinosaur?  A mega-SORE-ass

[markrvp]

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?  A lick-a-lotta-puss.

[c64rulez]

What's the most important question in practicing safe sex ?

"Where is your husband ?"

[markrvp]

What's the most important question in practicing safe sex ?

"Where is your husband ?"

On a related note . . .

How do you make your wife scream during sex?  Call her up and tell her where you are.

[ChadTower]

How do you make your wife scream during sex?

[daywane]

I got this email yesterday.


 A QUICK BEER BEFORE IT STARTS 
 
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts".
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??"
The husband sighed. "Oh ---steaming pile of meadow muffin---, it's started."

[JonnyBoy]

Did you guys hear Ellen DeGeneres died? She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

[Bones]

American Dr's vs Chinese Dr's

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his p3nis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc!"

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there is no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your p3nis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."
 
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his p3nis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease."

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my p3nis."

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to cut, cut, cut, Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. It fall off by itself! You save money":

[wana10]

whats the same between blonds and airplanes?

they both have black boxes.

[SNAAKE]

What's the most important question in practicing safe sex ?

"Where is your husband ?"

On a related note . . .

How do you make your wife scream during sex?

[markrvp]

whats the same between blonds and airplanes?

they both have black boxes.

What do blondes and computers have in common?

You don't appreciate either one until they go down on you.

[c64rulez]

So there's this couple watching a drama when the wife asks her husband "well, what do you think, will they finally marry ?"

"sure honey. these films always have a bad ending"

[c64rulez]

A woman says to her husband "you know that your future daughter in law is a whore ?"
"That's her problem"
"You know she's betraying your son ?"
"His problem"
"So you'd better know that I know you're sleeping with her"
"My problem"
"Yes, but what about me ?"
"Your problem"

[duffjr]

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?  A lick-a-lotta-puss.

platypus is an extant mammal, not a dinosaur...

[markrvp]

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

[duffjr]

it should be lick-a-lot-a-PUSS, if you wrote mega-SORE-ass.  i thought all dinosaurs were soreass, but i guess not.

[DrewKaree]

platypus is an extant mammal, not a dinosaur...

it should be lick-a-lot-a-PUSS, if you wrote mega-SORE-ass.  i thought all dinosaurs were soreass, but i guess not.

And to think, we weren't sure if c64 had a brother

[duffjr]

thanks, your mom said the same thing about me.

son of a b---. they do exist.

Acanthopholis platypus (1)
DESCRIBER
Seeley,1869 partim
TIME
   Cretaceous Early
Albian
CLASSIFICATION
   Ornithischia Thyreophora Eurypoda Ankylosauria Nodosauridae 
DIET
   Herbivore
FOSSILSITE
   Cambridgehire (Cambridge Green sand Formations) England
FALL UNDER
   ACANTHOPHOLIS

[duffjr]

so a man walks into a bar and goes, "bartender, 2 beers.  my brother and i used to come in here every friday and drink before he died, so one of these is for him..."

the man does the same thing for a few months, and then he walks in one night and says, "bartender, 3 beers."  the bartender goes, "man, i'm so sorry."

the man replies, "na, 2 of these are for me."

[DrewKaree]

thanks, your mom said the same thing about me.

With the replies you've had so far, that comment equates to begging to write a term paper for the cool kids so they don't beat your ass.  You're crapping up a perfectly crappy thread that didn't need a peanut-&-corn-infested steamer from you.

[duffjr]

would you have preferred something like:

thanks, your mom enjoys the tool as well.

thanks, but i don't want me in your head like that.

thanks, i have been working on that lately.

thanks, i was waiting for the punchline.

[markrvp]

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

[duffjr]

wow, you dugup that picture just for me 

i wish i could return the favor.  let me whip something up in photoshop.