How do I politely say to my sister to "Get the F out!"

[crashwg]

I'm just about at the end of my rope with her, her husband and their three kids now and I'm looking for a way to at the very least get them to come over less often.

Here's the situation...  Chris, the husband, was going to school to be an airplane mechanic last year.  During school they decided it would be a good idea to move to Georga (from NH) to work at an airport or something (I'm not entirely sure of the details).  Well, they were down there for almost a year I think and Chris got fired.  With no support system of family down there they decided to move back up to NH.

They owe arround 2.5 grand to their previous landlord and no one will rent to them so...

For about a month they stayed with my mother in her two bedroom trailer until the landlord pointed out that they were breaking the lease by having 6 people in the trailer when the lease said 5 was the max on top of the fact that they were never added to the lease.  With no where else to go, Chris' family said they can stay at his grandfather's place.

So, they have a roof over their head, but it's not exactly ideal.  There's a huge rat and mouse problem to the point that they crap in the oven and the sink and such and they're confined to one room because for the last couple years of his life the grandfather couldn't keep up with the chores of homeownership.

Now I can't exactly pinpoint when it happend but somehow they got the idea that they can spend 6-8 hours a day 5-6 days a week in my appartment.  They use our internet, tv and phone,  store their food in our fridge and cook on our stove.  Did I mention yet that they don't give us 1 red cent!

Every day it's the same thing, they come over, use our resources annoy the crap out of me, my GF and my daughter and then leave.  The kids don't listen to my sister (their mother) it takes an aweful lot of yelling to get them to listen to me or my GF and Chris, the only one they listen to, plays games the entire time and only yells (quite loudly) when they get completly out of hand. 

My GF is so annoyed that she's starting to take it out on me and our daughter and I don't even want to wake up anymore.  We can't go anywhere unless someone is willing to pick us up because we don't have a car, what can we do?!?

P.S.  I do realize this is WAY off topic for an arcade message board but this is the "everything else" board and I have no one else to get input from.

Please help me, I'm going INSANE!

[HaRuMaN]

Do they have a key?  Change the locks, don't let them in...  That's a hard situation, man, I hope you find a solution.  That's just wrong that your sister would abuse your hospitality that way.

[crashwg]

They don't have a key, they come to the door knock and we answer.  A couple times we've closed all the shades and hung out in our bedroom watching TV all day so the thought we weren't home and whenever we get the chance we go to Lee-Ann's mother's place.  Neither of those are very good solutions though because we feel like prisoners in our own house. 

I want to be able to be able to sit on my couch our go out front.  We leave our door and all the windows open like 24/7 lately because of the heat so it's not like they won't know we're home...

[SOAPboy]

They don't have a key, they come to the door knock and we answer.

[Bones]

There is no easy way man, she is your sister.

But... It's better to say it now how it is rather than hold back and explode saying things you will regret. At the end of the day they are messing with your life so you shouldn't feel bad.

Communication while you are thinking straight is normally the best solution.

[danny_galaga]

maybe its time to move and not tell them! pretty crappy situation i must say. luckily my sister and i get along well enough that we own a house together. i hope something good comes of it. like you say, you cant hide in your own home or stay away from it hoping to avoid them. i know from experience.

[monkeybomb]

I'm with BB on this one.  You have to just tell her.  Just present the genuine problems of having to many people in a small space.  Stick to obvious stuff, and it seems like there is plenty.  Skip the part about not raising her kids right.  And offer to help where you can, like helping find a job for that guy or whatever you are actually comfortable with.  She won't feel abandon but she should get the picture.

Now if that doesn't work or you've already done that then be mean.  there is a point where they are NOT asking for help and are just looking for handouts.  I don't know where they are at on that line, but they are least close to crossing it.

[rchadd]

communicate - tell you sister and her husband in orderly manner that whilst you dont mind them coming around occasionally, it is now getting out of hand and you want you own space back for a while.

dont get in a slanging match over it - that will not be productive.

i think your brotherinlaw should get himself sorted PDQ with a job and  somewhere to live!

[DrewKaree]

Dude, you say they have a place to stay.

That means they need to make the house they're staying in their home. 

You sound like you're getting mad at them because they're taking advantage of you, and it sounds like they have no idea it's bugging you or your girlfriend.  You need to let them know you need a LOT more "alone time" with YOUR family in order to develop a healthy family life, and they are a big hindrance to that.

If you can't tell them that, this problem will continue until you reach the point where you explode at them for not being able to read your mind and being extremely obtuse about your situation.

[RayB]

Somehow I doubt the "logical" advice will work out in this case. Some people are all about excuses rather than solutions, and I get the feeling his sister might respond with a million excuses. (Just a gut feeling. Only Crash knows how his sister might react).

[DrewKaree]

I think this situation is really all about following the logical advice, and if/when that fails, THEN he is well within his rights to lose his mind and tell her to eff off. 

The blame DOES seem to partly lie with crash, though.  Communication doesn't seem to be his strong point in real life.....crash, weren't you the one posting about booting some broad outta your house because she was getting obnoxious a little while ago?  Mebbe you've just got a talent with dealing wit dem wimmins

[Daniel270]

I had the same issue with my mother a few years back.... she had left her husband and moved in with a guy she met on the internet.

[stellarola]

Just tell her that it's nice to see her and all, but that they are raping your hospitality. Even a better idea, go to their house and hangout over there 24/7...see how they like it. 

[Jabba]

Be honest, up front, and speak from the heart. Tell em how you feel and see if you can negotiate a reasonable early termination/end of lease...

[allroy1975]

I'm pretty sure the polite way to say "Get the F Out!" is to just drop the "the F".

Get Out.

Sounds polite to me.   

Allroy

[ChadTower]

Sounds to me like there is a bigger issue with her husband.  Dude has 3 kids, no job, and sits around 8 hours a day playing games?  I'd be ashamed to be sitting around all day while my kids had such a lousy place to sleep.  I'd be out there walking the streets all day long trying to find work.  Dude doesn't sound like much of a man.  The VERY least he should be doing is working on that house so that it's more livable for his wife and children, if he's not going to look for a job.  It doesn't take much brains to set rat traps, repaint, make small repairs, etc.

The only thing you're going to be able to do with your sister is tell her not to come over anymore.  You want to be kind because she is your sister but she has no qualms about being unkind to you.  Keep that in mind.

[fredster]

I agree with Chad.

Don't kick out your sister, get in a fight with the husband.  It isn't entirely your sister's fault.

Dude should be flipping burgers and delivering pizzas and working 24/7 until he gets his family where they need to be.

Tell your sister you know shes down and out, BUT, she can correct it if she works at it. Tell her husband to get the hell out.  Tell him he's a lousy weasel for putting his family in this situation.

Look at all the people who pull themselves up.  They keep looking for work.  He could be spending his time finding work instead of using YOUR stuff.  Simple as that.

[ChadTower]

That's a good point.  Maybe first step should be to tell your sister that she and the kids are welcome for now, but the husband is not until he shows some type of accountability and starts looking for a job.

Of course, that gets into politics, and it may be easier to just tell them all to go home.  It's a shame they haven't taught their kids to be very well behaved, the kids don't deserve this.

[Stingray]

I agree with Chad & Fredster. That guy seriously needs to find some kind of job.

-S

[Fat_Trucker]

Be honest with them.

Just explain that you are finding things a little difficult and crowded and would appreciate a little family time.

Ask them if they would mind calling before they come over to make sure that you aren't doing anything.

Letting the situation continue will simply end with you exploding one day and blurting all sorts of things that are very rarely forgotten and difficult to take back, so in the long run its better to deal with it calmly now.

Being firm and direct but at the same time calm and reasonable almost always has the desired effect.

Its always difficult when it involves family. I had a similar situation with my wifes mother a few years back (horrific woman who spent years putting her down and treating her like a drudge) unfortunately I didn't take my own advice and just let rip one day with a few home truths and she and I are only just about back on speaking terms.

[daywane]

best of luck.
a bad place to be in. been there. My wifes brother ,wife and 2 kids moved in on us once. we were living in a RV at the time with 2 kids of our own and 1 in the oven. 
We move from AZ to KY to get away.
Best move I ever did
RV is now my hunting lodge

[ChadTower]

best of luck.
a bad place to be in. been there. My wifes brother ,wife and 2 kids moved in on us once. we were living in a RV at the time with 2 kids of our own and 1 in the oven.

[markb]

Conviniently leave your PC on when they come around, and it just happens to be on this topic.

Perhaps they might get the hint.

[Crazy Cooter]

So, they have a roof over their head, but it's not exactly ideal.

[ChadTower]

So he has to take on the work that the husband/father who is already in place will not? 

[missioncontrol]

I agree with Chad & Fredster. That guy seriously needs to find some kind of job.

-S

Ditto....

And also you need to tactfully confront her on this........

[ChadTower]

Eh, tact went out the window when they started using their home 45 hours/week.  Just tell her her lazy ass husband needs to be a man and get a job.

Of course, judging by what you've told us about him... are you bigger than he is?  You may need to be to do what needs to be done.

[missioncontrol]

Here's another idea..........

Take your brother in law out on the town.........

find him a hooker......

take pictures........

tell him if he ever comes to your house again you will show the pitures to your sister.......

problem solved........

he will never tell your sister he is being blackmailed because then he'll have been busted.............

[ChadTower]

I'm guessing that along with laziness, irresponsibility, and his work ethic... fidelity and being a good husband are not attributes he has.

[missioncontrol]

hmmmmm you could be right....

how's this.....

buy a taser......

as soon as he knocks on the door let him have it........

this sort of electric shook therepy may be needed........

this also works best if your door has a mail slot that is insight of "the boys"..........

[cholin]

Put a nice sign up on the door saying that you place has been reposessed.  Put all your phones on mute or something and make sure to lock your doors.

[JoyMonkey]

Tell them you've all got some highly contageous virus that's somehow only infectious in your apartment (maybe your carpet is diseased or something), and doctors told you that nobody that hasn't been already vaccinated should enter the apartment until it clears- which could be next week, or could be a couple of months. Who knows?

Sounds like an episode of Seinfeld. Maybe I should start writing sitcoms.

[KenToad]

I'm catching this topic just now and just wanted to chime in that you should go after the rats as soon as possible.  Rats multiply very fast and are way smarter than mice, very hard to get rid of. 

I once lived in a shack in the country.  We put poison and rat traps around and one of those suckers actually dragged himself while stuck in a rat trap all around the house, trail of blood leading to under the kitchen counter, where he couldn't fit through a hole in the wall with the trap attached. 

We think he died of frustration.

That was a cool place in the summer, swimming hole out back, but I hated the chewing noises at night and the feeling that you were being watched.

Definitely try to kill the vermin and help to fix up the other place.  It may actually be cheaper for you in the long run if you go ahead and offer financial support for them to hire an exterminator or carpenter.  Good luck. 

Cheers,
KenToad

[Scott84]

crash.

My friend was in a similar situation. Heres how he dealt with it.

He told the people that him and the girlfriend were having some problems and they needed space to sort it out. Thats a temp solution... maybe they can find somewhere else to hang out.

[hyiu]

well... she's your sister...
its hard to just turn away your family...
but since you also have kid and girl friend in your house...
your have your family to worry about also....
and I have to say... when its difficult time, your family comes first...

want to know... are they working at all ?? your sis and her husband ??

so, I would say... begin by asking....
what her plans are...
what her husband's plans are...

then tell her you're not comfortable with them hanging out at your place too much... like scott said... this is creating tension and you are having some pblms with your girl and kid....

maybe arrange so that they only come over 2 days a wk ??
a compromise ??

if they're not working at all... at least 1 of them should be looking for a job... and the other should be working on fixing up the grandpa's house so that its liveable....

[97thruhiker]

Sorry to hear about your situation.  I think its at the point now that they will continue to take advantage of you as long as you let them.  You mentioned that you live an apartment.  If you want to avoid the confrontation I would tell them next time that they come over that the other people living in the apartment complex put in a complaint about having all these people over and the landlord/renting office wants its to stop (noise, kids running round, etc).  Make up a fake letter from the apartment saying this has to stop or you will be evicted.  Put a letterhead on it and everything.  Hopefully this will get them to stop coming over.  If this doesn't work then tell them to get the F out.

[ChadTower]

They seem to have transportation.  Tell them to give you a ride to the next meet.

[RayB]

Sorry, but this advice of the husband needing to get a job, but the sister does not is BS. They BOTH should be getting a job.

[crashwg]

He's got a job.  They come over when he gets out of work.

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