"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "
"I type 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language."
"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."
"I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
"When someone hands you a flier, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."
"I like rice. Rice is great if your hungry and want 2000 of something."
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
"I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself."
"I lke refried beans. I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time."
"I got into and argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up real quick?"
"I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said screw that, I'll just get a tan instead."
"I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said your gonna have to move you're blocking a fire exit. As if there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you are flamable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit."
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."
"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music" As though there's another way you can take it in. Your not special. That's how I recieve it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work."
"I went to the park and saw a kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed."
"I was at the airport and this guy came up to be and said I saw you on tv last night. He didn't say if I was any good. He just told me where I was. So turned away for a minute and said Hey I saw you at the airport a minute ago. You were good."
I can't get into flossing, I can't. People who smoke say you don't know how hard it is to stop smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. You seem jittery. Yeah, I'm about to floss.
"One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said. "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I'm older. How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."
"I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil and the devil is....Dill."
"I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3a.m. and your a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, hey I was here at 3a.m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology."
"I get the Reece's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reece's and some guy named Reece comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you."
"I'vwe been working the colleges and I always buy the shirts from the college, because they're quality shirts. But people always get the wrong idea. I'm walking around wearing a Washington U shirt and someone says "Hey Washington U, Did you go there?" Yeah! It was a Wednesday."
"Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. I like my sanwhiches witth three peices of bread. So do I. Lets form a club. Okay, but we're gonna need more stickulation. Yes we do. Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again. Yeah, four triangles. And we shall dump chips in the middle. Let me ask you something, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for them."
"I opened a yogurt and underneath the lid it said "please try again" they were having a contest that Iwas unaware of. I thought maybe I had opened the yogurt wrong.Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitch, don't give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top."
"I brought a donut and the guy gave me a recieipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, I give you the money, you give me the donut, end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I can not imagine the senerio where I would have to prove that I broughrt a donut. Some skeptical friend. Don't even act like I didn't get that donut. I got the documentation right here."
"When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two , and if no one answers the'll say the name again, Dufrane, party of two. Bu then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes, No one seems to care, who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now ,with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry.That'sa double whammy! We need help! Bush search aparty of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes."
I got an ant farm. Them fellas don't grow <auto-censored>.
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load <auto-censored> into a truck.
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so I crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of <auto-censored> you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...
...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see a escalator temporarily outta order sign, just escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience... we appologize for the fact that you can still get up there"
I played golf...I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
...You're supposed to yell 'fore' but I kept thinking there ain't no way that's gonna hit him.
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What" and turn my head slightly...
My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. <auto-censored> it Otto, you are an alcoholic. <auto-censored> it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.
I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was <auto-censored> impossible.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be f'ed up.
I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify.
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
Home
Help
Search
Login
Register
Send this topic
Print
Topic: Comedian Mitch Hedberg. R.I.P (Read 2393 times)
