Steve, please deal with your stuff and quit punching down. We’re all struggling with things.
WTF is "punching down" ?!
Being Honest, isnt punching down.
As for what I have personally dealt with, in my lifetime... let me tell you... very few of the Woke Radical Cry Babies, can even comprehend.
I grew up in Poverty
Clothes that were 3 sizes too small, and worn with holes and grass stains... because we couldnt afford new clothing
I grew up with TWO abusive parents:
- A Narcissist Mother, whom told me almost every day of my life, that Id never amount to Anything in life. Never have a GF. Die alone..etc. Would threaten (pack my belongings), to kick me out of the Family... like once every year, since I was like 7 yrs old.
- An NPD Father, whom was both a psychological terror, as well as Physically abusive. Metal Coat hangers on the Bare rear end skin, of a 5yr olds soft bottom, and back. I still have scars on my back from it. Whom at that same age... taped my hands and feet together with Duct Tape, pulled out a drill, and said "Im going to commit Toolbox Murder on you. Im going to cut you up into little pieces, then dump the pieces into the Ocean, where the Sharks will eat them... and Nobody will ever know" He them proceeded to Rev the Drill, a few MM away from my face.
(Luckily he was kicked out, before I hit 6 yrs old. But he was quickly replaced be another Abusive A**H***, that would become a "Step Father" in name, and abuses, only)
- Due to my fathers crazed behavor... it caused a deep internal level of fear and terror within me. This caused me to have the most INSANE Horror Movie like Nightmares,
often making me burst awake, Screaming at the top of my lungs. It also caused me to end up Wetting my bed, almost every night. And of course, then Id get into
trouble about wetting the bed... making it even worse. I dont think I stopped wetting the bed, until I was like 7yrs old. It was not something I could control.
- At the Trailer park we started off in... The older kids shot balls of Ice at my head... almost knocking me out cold. That was probably about age 6.
- The same kids, grabbed my arms, swinging me around... threatening to let go. Luckily, my fathers psychotic rage was turned to them, when I went back home in
tears.. and they didnt mess with me much after that point.
- One day I was playing outside of the trailer, and an older female pushed me to the damp and muddy ground, and sat on top of my back. She pushed my head into
the dirt with all her might... and said to me "You are going to meet the Devil !", and she cackled away... as I screamed and tried to keep myself from getting
Snuffed out. Luckily, she eventually stopped, and left me. I dont know if I was just barely strong enough to keep her from fully pressing my nose into the dirt.. but I
felt like I was about to be Ended in that moment... and Im probably lucky to have survived the ordeal.
- I was thin, underweight, short, and clumsy / non coordinated. I would constantly go into these crazed Daydream states. I also had dyslexia.
- I had notoriously crooked teeth. And very Feminine features, like extremely Long Lashes, and brighter than normal red lips
- I got sick so often, that I ended up missing so much of Kindergarten... that they failed me, and sent me to Pre-First.
- I was constantly tired, feeling like I was about to fall asleep at any moment. Almost no energy. Very slow thoughts. Always the last one to finish a test. Awful memory.
- In first Grade, even being held back a year... I was still the Shortest kid in the class. Even the females, were all taller and stronger than me.
- I was always picked last in Gym classes, and rightly so.. because I was so uncoordinated / bad. I got constant grief and mockery for it.
- It wasnt until first grade, that I was told that I had Dyslexia.. and I also had a Speech Impediment. I couldnt make certain sounds, and had to be
put into special classes for it.
- I was so fragile looking, that the Gym teacher feared for my life... and they pulled me out of normal gym, and put me in a "Special Ed" class,
with two severely "Mentally Challenged" individuals. I was NOT on that level... Hated that I was put there... and I fought hard every day, to get back
to normal Gym. Eventually I succeeded.
- Somehow, my brain managed to Re-Wire itself, and I no longer had the Dyslexic issues, by 2nd grade.
- I also concurred my Speech issues.
- But my life wasnt any better. I was getting bullied In and out of School. I barely had any toys. I was not liked at all. No hugs, No love. Either
Open Hate, Various Abuses, or Complete Neglect.
- Eventually we moved to an Apartment... and Ohh joy, more Bullies to beat me up, and terrorize me. Yay.
- At this point, I had the feeling that Everyone on this EARTH, was literally out to Destroy me. As I had zero other indications. I Hated life.
I hated myself. I hated being Poor. I hated everyone, and everything. And it was a simple miracle, that I didnt off myself, long long ago.
- As such, I didnt have ANY motivation at all. I didnt think Id amount to anything. I didnt think Id survive long enough to even have a so called
"Future"... and I simply didnt care about anything. I thus, didnt pay any attention in school.. and barely passed each grade.
- I was so Miserable... that I had a Permanent Frown / Scowl on my face. Even IF I were to smile... it would just show up physically, as a
"Straight Line". I literally looked like I was angry all of the time, even if I wasnt. But I definitely was Miserable, 98% of the time...
for that period of my life.
- I didnt talk to pretty much ANYONE, until about 4th grade. In fact, I talked so little in total, that my voice was like that of a Mouse. It was weak,
and very quiet.. because I had never used it enough to develop it, to a Hearable level. You literally had to be like 3 feet away from me, and still
might struggle to hear me.
- Eventually, somewhere between 4th to 5th grade.. I started to realize that not everyone was against me. That there were a few nice people
in the world. At very least, people that didnt attack, and or mock me. This then lead me to realizing, that I was part of the problem, because
I had zero sense of Humor.. and would lash out at anyone, for the slightest of things, that I inferred against me.
- Of course, before this point, I had absorbed the negative and hostile traits of my Abusers... and being the eldest of 3 Children, I often physically
lashed out at my younger brother. It didnt help, that my brother antagonized me.
- Eventually I realized, that while I could not change what others were doing to me.. I could change myself, to try to become a better person.
I realized that all of the Tears and blame in the world... was never going to Improve my life. In fact, it had proven quite the Opposite... as my
life just kept getting worse, and worse, for me.
- It was at that moment, when I decided to fight with myself, every single day, to try to figure out what was wrong with me... and to try to fix it.
Let me tell you, that when you already feel like total Trash... its a real Bear to face more and more realizations, that make you feel even worse
about yourself. But I kept facing my inner demons... no matter how painful it was.. and over time, I started to make small steps towards
improvement.
- By 6th grade, I finally managed to learn some Self Humility, and was able to laugh at myself, for the first time. And while I was still a mess
internally... I wasnt feeling nearly as miserable. My voice got a bit stronger. My height jumped a bit. And my coordination, was getting a
little better. Still, there was a lot of issues, and a lot more work to be done... As well as a lot of stress and abuses at home. I was also
suffering from major Depression, Regular Suicidal thoughts, and I felt so Lonely... it was as if someone had drilled a hole in my chest,
and it was constantly bleeding out... all hours of the day / night. It actually physically Hurt.
This is just the START of my life, and only a tiny Fraction of what I had to deal with, on a daily basis.
Skipping ahead...
- I had to quit school, due to my mother. When I was failing mid-term, and wasnt sure if I would be able to pass.. I asked her if I could go to summer school.
I told her that Id pay for anything, as I had a Job washing dishes. She said "No". She said, "You are going to have to repeat the grade, and be made fun
of by all of your friends, and the others. Im also going to take away your Job, so you wont even be able to get your hair cut." Something to that effect.
By that time, I had progressed so far (for me) ...and I couldnt deal with being knocked down like that... so, I called my crazed Father up in Florida, and
he said it was fine to move down there with him (he was living with an Aunt).
I left Upper NY, at about 6 months before turning 16... hitching a ride to my Father, on their Vacation. About a quarter of the way there, I was terrified.
I had never been so far away from "Home"... and I had no idea what life was going to be like with my Father. Luckily, I was much taller and older,
and I felt like I might be able to defend myself, if he tried anything with me.
- While I had some small hope that maybe he would somehow grow up into a decent human, and that we would hit it off... That would quickly be
Dashed, when the first place he went to.. to "Celebrate" ...was a Gambling establishment. In the entire 3 yrs that I was in Florida, he rarely
was home, and never hung out / went out, with me. But that turned out fine, because he wasnt always the best company, anyways.
- He ended up getting kicked out of the Aunts place, due to gambling away rent money, drinking, and arguing with her.
- When I moved back to NY.. my grandmother was kind enough to allow me to live in her house. However, there was no rooms available
for me.. as both my Aunt, and Uncle, was living there too. I had to sleep on the couch / floor.. and that didnt change for like
+6 years. I had very little money, and the only thing I focused on, was working, martial arts, and or designing / drawing things on
paper.
- Both my Aunt and Uncle are also Narcissists. It runs in the Family. My grandfather, had it, and drank his liver out from under him,
so I never got to meet him (of course, thats a good thing, as he was an angry + abusive mess). Of course, his abuses, Cracked
the entire Familys minds. My father was the worst of the bunch. Anyway... I had to endure my Uncle coming home from work,
then Screaming at Megaphone levels, for several hours, about the stupidest and more petty of things. That, and Slamming doors around,
like a 7 yr old with a Temper Tantrum. The worst part was... I had nowhere to get away. I was limited to the living room, Forced to
endure his Verbal Abuses, for hours at a time.
- On the weekends, when my Grandmother went to her BFs house... my uncle would invite complete strangers into the house, and throw
a "Party". They would be loud AF, loud music, tons of Cigarette Smoke (made me Ill), doing drugs / drinking... and this would go on from
like 1am to 6am. Even when I had to work... I had to deal with that. Luckily by that time, I at least, had my own room.
- I didnt have a GF, until age 20... and that amount of Loneliness was extremely hard to endure. Id often go into a deep depression about it..
maybe every 3 to 5 months... and Id spend almost an entire week, crying in the dark, and doing nothing else, but sleeping.
- And that Girl, turned out to be a manipulative Narcissist. That included lies, cheating, manipulations, giving me Chlamydia (curable, fortunately),
threats to impose false allegations, showing up to my work place with her new BF, Harassing me, and much more.
- My crooked teeth would become very Extreme with overlapping, and cracking a root canal, due to too much pressure
- At 25, my Gall Bladder had to be removed. This was the sign of my health taking a nose dive...
- It was at this time, that I started having extreme body pains, as if my entire body was lit on fire. I also suffered from even worse fatigue,
lower energy levels, bad mood swings, random severe joint pains, and skull crushing migraines. I eventually discovered, that I was
allergic to wheat. I had also developed a condition called Leaky Gut... and that was causing Auto-Immune Responses, where my own
body was attacking itself. It was a crushing blow.
- By 35?, I had half of my Thyroid Removed due to a Nodule, and they fixed a belly button hernia at the same time.
- By 40, I had to go in to have part of my Bowel removed, as the previous scar tissus from a hernia repair, grew into my intestines.
No food / liquids would pass, and I just kept puking every 15 minutes or so.
- The Bowel Wound got Infected, and I had to endure another Immediate Operation. When I woke up, there was an Open Hole, deep
enough to completely Drop a Golf Ball into.
- I lost my Job, due to being away in surgery + recovering, for so long.
- Eventually, my Narcissist Family couldnt stand to see me suffering, and rather than help me.. they kicked me out, at the worst time possible.
- I was living in the back of my Minivan for almost a year. Had to Clean myself up in public restrooms, in the deep of the night time / early morning hours.
- For a time, I was sleeping in subzero temps. It was almost impossible to get any sleep, even with three layers of clothing on, blankets, etc.. as
I was shivering like a paint shaking machine.
- It would take way too much time to flesh out all of the Chaos that happened fully.
- The short form end, is that all of my teeth rotted out from the inside, due to lack of nutrients, due to my allegies... despite the best care.
- I needed something crazy like 20 grand for Implanted Dentures.
- I had saved up a mere 8k, after like 3 years of living in a dirt cheap, dump of a place, that had a nightclub with a 10000 watt building shaking subwoofer,
that played unto 2am every weekend.
- Work was underpaying me... and even when I said I was about to lose all of my teeth... the offered me a small amount, that still wouldnt be
enough to save me in time. Especially since the teeth I needed to hold my Partial in place, was throbbing in pain, and needed to be removed ASAP.
- I had no Credit, due to previously losing my Job, and going bankrupt.
- I made too much to get help from the Govt., but also, way too little to be able to pay for Healthcare.
- Eventually cov1d hit, and I got laid off... allowing me to collect unemployment. Coupled with the Stimulus money, and a mention of a cheaper place
to get implants... I was finally able to paid for the needed services.
- However... after the pandemic hit, the offices closed down for like a year. My treatments would halt, and Id be left without any teeth, nor any
temporary dentures. The ones they tried to make, didnt fit.
- And for the past few years, Ive been Begging and pleading with the Dentists, to try to finish my dentures. Ive only got the Posts installed, and
the Temp denture doesnt fit right / unusable for chewing with.
- In the Meantime, I spiraled into major depression... and rarely got out of bed, for the last +2yrs. Worse, yet.. my Minivan finally Kicked the
Bucket, so its been Bus or Bike travel only.
- But the One Positive thing that came out of it... was that due to me being depressed and not wanting to spend time cooking / cleaning...
I was just eating a single frozen walmart hamburger patty.. and pretty much nothing else. Coupled with a ton of sleep, and no stress from
work... My Leaky Gut healed most of the way. I can now eat small amount of dairy and egg, and even small amounts of wheat, without
a massive reaction. Its still not perfect. I still have issues with low extremely low energy, and random body pains... but its a lot better
than how often and how Severe it used to be.
So, tell you what... Have any of these Radicals compare their lives... and ask if they would prefer to Swap.
Ill keep waiting... but I already know the answer.
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