Texan Chilli Cookoff

[Jabba]

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Astrodome. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Oklahoma.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- What the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk now from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. 

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

[Stingray]

Okies can hold their chili as well as any Texan. This story is either made up or Frank had only recently moved to Oklahoma from France.

-S

[ChadTower]

I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

[Jabba]

Okies can hold their chili as well as any Texan. This story is either made up or Frank had only recently moved to Oklahoma from France.

-S

Stingray, actually, the location was left blank, as well as the Astrodome. I just threw the Oklahoma guy in there knowing I'd get a rise from ya.... 

[ChadTower]

I love my food hot but don't like chili.  I prefer Asian dishes.

I take my kids to a decent Chinese restaurant every other saturday.  We get the hottest chicken dish they have and split it, and we each have a big bowl of hot and sour soup.  The soup isn't that hot, relatively, but the food is, and the people that run the place always marvel that a 4 and a 6 year old are chowing the chili pepper sauce like it's ice cream.

[Stingray]

Okies can hold their chili as well as any Texan. This story is either made up or Frank had only recently moved to Oklahoma from France.

-S

Stingray, actually, the location was left blank, as well as the Astrodome. I just threw the Oklahoma guy in there knowing I'd get a rise from ya.... 

Well played.

-S

[Jabba]

I put this stuff on my eggs, and on my sphagetti....It's a Tasty Garlic Hot Sauce from Vietnam...

[Stingray]

I think I need to make a pot of chili tonight.

-S

[ChadTower]

With bacon.

[Zakk]

the people that run the place always marvel that a 4 and a 6 year old are chowing the chili pepper sauce like it's ice cream.

If you spoke Chinese, you would know that they are actually saying
"Oh my dear lord, do all Americans abuse their children like that?" 

I had a Chinese meal once, that was served with frozen rice, icewater and frozen cake.  The dish was just a stir fry, but was so hot you could see through time.  One of the most delicious meals I ever had, although I haven't had it since.  I can still feel my teeth tingling from it.  The endorphin rush just stopped, and I had that meal in 1989! 

[DarkKobold]

Can we get a zombie Chili Cook off?

Judge 1: Ugggggnnnnnnnhhhhhhhh

Judge 2: Brrrraaaaaiiiiiinnnnnsssss

Judge 3: Grrraaaaaggghhhhhh, Mmmm, nice basil flavor.

[JonnyBoy]

Looks like I started this whole zombie obsession thing....cool.

[patrickl]

For really hot food you should try chicken vindaloo (India) or an Indonesian dish (I guess anything with "pedis" in it) I like it hot, but the chicken vindaloo was really a struggle. Cold sweat and all.

BTW you don't put out a hot dinner mouth fire with beer.

[Edgedamage]

MMmm I love eating raw habanaros it's true you get high from eating them. And my favorite chips are blair's death rain chips. Only place I get the chips in canada are 7-11.

[Shape D.]

Can we get a zombie Chili Cook off?

I'm not eating any zombie chili, you can save the rotting flesh for yourself. I'm not hungry.

[ChadTower]

For really hot food you should try chicken vindaloo (India) or an Indonesian dish (I guess anything with "pedis" in it) I like it hot, but the chicken vindaloo was really a struggle. Cold sweat and all.

BTW you don't put out a hot dinner mouth fire with beer.

Yeah, I like Thai curries... can't deal with Indian curries because I hate onions.

[Sephroth57]

i never understood why people enjoyed searing hot foods on their tastebuds

[Stingray]

i never understood why people enjoyed searing hot foods on their tastebuds

It's an excuse to drink more beer.

-S

[ChadTower]

Because they're good.

[Sephroth57]

i never understood why people enjoyed searing hot foods on their tastebuds

It's an excuse to drink more beer.

-S

mmm... beeeeer

[patrickl]

What's with the beer? Beer only makes it worse or is that the hidden fun of it I'm missing?

[ChadTower]

Beer makes everything better, with the exception of driving and using power tools.

[tommy]

 the people that run the place always marvel that a 4 and a 6 year old are chowing the chili pepper sauce like it's ice cream.

Maybe you and missioncontrol would come across as older if you both took you finger out of your ass. 

Amazing what you can find when you're looking to make a wise crack.

[ChadTower]

You said finger in your ass and crack in the same post.

[Harry Potter]

I heard from a friend that girls who like spicy food are more likely to want/like sex than girls who don't.

[duffjr]

and girls who have filled the whole top 10 list of an arcade game...

[patrickl]

I heard from a friend that girls who like spicy food are more likely to want/like sex than girls who don't.

Better not let them perform certain sex acts on you after they ate spicy food though.

[cdbrown]

But everyone wants to spice it up in the bedroom.  Add a bit of heat between the sheets. 

[duffjr]

Better not let them perform certain sex acts on you after they ate spicy food though.

or you certain acts on them...especially after eating the chili dishes

[Sephroth57]

ewww yeah, i dont think id be into doin a chick who just ate some mexican food

[ChadTower]

Better not go to Mexico.

[Stingray]

What's with the beer? Beer only makes it worse or is that the hidden fun of it I'm missing?

Beer puts the fire out for me. It's water that makes it worse.

-S

[Harry Potter]

What's with the beer? Beer only makes it worse or is that the hidden fun of it I'm missing?

Beer puts the fire out for me. It's water that makes it worse.

-S

Speaking of beer:
http://members.aol.com/matt999h/beer.htm

[patrickl]

What's with the beer? Beer only makes it worse or is that the hidden fun of it I'm missing?

Beer puts the fire out for me. It's water that makes it worse.

-S

Lol. If you drink enough beer to kill the senses perhaps. Dairy products like yoghurt (raita) or otherwise rice or bread are used by the people who produce these dishes. "Water based" liquids are all bad.

[ChadTower]

Beer makes sports more fun.  Beer makes women prettier. 

Why would you not think beer makes food taste better?

[Bones]

Beer makes sports more fun. Beer makes women prettier.

Why would you not think beer makes food taste better?

I love beer, I mean I really love beer. But.... I can't stand to drink beer during a meal. It makes the beer taste bad. Makes it taste like American beer.

[Stingray]

I can't stand to drink beer during a meal. It makes the beer taste bad. Makes it taste like American beer.

That one really hurt.

-S

[ChadTower]

Sometimes the truth hurts.  America is not the best producer of beer.

Whiskey, yes, beer, no.

[Stingray]

Thanks goodness for our close proximity to Canada.

-S

[ChadTower]

Too bad Canada doesn't send down its best stuff.  Even the good Canadian imports are not as good as the same stuff in Canada.

[Stingray]

I'll take what I can get.

-S