It's over boys and girls..... its over....

[AmericanDemon]

I was notified last night that I am now in the midst of a divorce.  The military lifestyle has changed her mentality.  She's just different and wants different things out of life now.  I dont know what I am going to do....  my life...  its over.

I dont even know how to start over.  Do I move somewhere far away?  I just dont know how to handle this...

[Sephroth57]

so she comes back from the military and drops this on you? Dude thats seriously messed up i feel bad for you man. Do you have kids? I went through a horrible breakup of a 4 yr relationship about 6 months ago and i know how bad it sucks, im sure its 10x worse since youre married.  The best thing i can tell you is rely on your friends they helped me a lot, and just remember it ISNT the end of the world although it seems like it is now. Seriously i was in that state of mind and i know what you feel, it does get better although it will takes lots and lots of time and it sucks but thats life =(       

But yeah mainly hang out with friends a lot, try to keep busy, sitting and thinking just makes it worse.


Is it really at the point where you cant fix things, is she open to counceling?

[shmokes]

I'm sorry.  I hope it doesn't take too much time for you to recover and I hope you have a "good" divorce.  For most people, I think, you find two people who once loved eachother fighting bitterly over who gets the forks.

Good luck.

[shmokes]

That's good advice from Sephroth.  Keep your ass busy.  You'll find it difficult at first because you're going to have this giant hole inside of you that she used to fill and you will feel empty.  You need to refill that with other stuff as soon as possible and friends are by far the best way to do that.  Hookers are no good cos they'll only fill it temporarily.  Go join some things, like bowling leagues or pretend to be an alcoholic and go to AA meetings, and don't let this turn you into one for real.

[tommy]

We have all been through it...time heals all wounds and so on.

Sorry to hear about it though, first beer is on me. 

[mr.Curmudgeon]

Damn. Sorry to hear. She's done? Really...no counseling? Were you having problems before she left?

If not, let it ride, give yourself time to work things out for yourself (if you can), don't make rash decisions...and like Sephroth said, go out and keep busy. Maybe you'll even meet new people (women), which may help you cope with the panic of moving on.



mrC

[missioncontrol]

man, I'm really sorry to hear that...............

to bad you two couldn't try some counseling first...........

I echo everyone else........

keep yourself busy and don't drown your sorrows in alcohol or drugs

[Stingray]

my life...  its over.

Don't be ridiculous. You probably think you don't want to get on with your life right now, but the sooner you do the better. Women are remarkably easy to get over. In a month you'll wonder why you ever put up with her crap in the first place. In six months you'll have a hard time remembering what she looks like.

-S

[pointdablame]

I'm really sorry to hear that man.  I always like to hope that things can work themselves out, but if you are really past that point, I at least hope the divorce moves along quickly and smoothly

Really sorry man... just do what everyone has said and keep your head up and stay busy.  You don't have to forget her, but you DO have to move on.

[AmericanDemon]

She's not open to counseling.  I asked and she said no.  I asked if she missed me and she said no.  I asked if she had even been thinking of me and she said no.  She told me she wouldnt be interested in dating me and such.  Its rough man. 

I'm hanging with my friends now and trying to get back on my feet.  This is by far the hardest thing I have ever been through.  I'm at a point where I just want to move away.

[ChadTower]

She's not open to counseling.

[Sephroth57]

wow... this reenforces my theory that women cannot be trusted with anything...  ill be damned before i get into a long term thing with a woman anytime soon

[SteveJ34]

I was notified last night that I am now in the midst of a divorce.  The military lifestyle has changed her mentality.  She's just different and wants different things out of life now.  I dont know what I am going to do....  my life...  its over.

I dont even know how to start over.  Do I move somewhere far away?  I just dont know how to handle this...

Actually, it's just beginning.

I was married for 10 years and then one day my ex woke up and decided she wanted a divorce. We had three kids ages 2, 6, and 9 at the time. I had done everything humanly possible to sustain that marriage, given her all sorts of freedoms, put up with her spending habits, tantrums, and lack of attention to being a mother to our children.

She experienced what I would describe as some midlife crisis...wanting to return to being "20 again" without responsibilities.

She took most all furniture possessions and left me with the debt, house, the big screen TV, and most importantly, primary custody of my 3 kids. I paid her spousal support for 2 years (which I could have fought but chose not too) as my primary focus was to "get the deal done", get my kids, and get started on recovery.

I cringed every month when I wrote that check. I slept on an air mattress for over a year. I didn't paint over the scratch she made in the walls as she hauled the furniture down the stairs. It was symbolic of her leaving. There were many other things....it was a struggle.

My kids had their stuff. We worked together. We did without certain things from time to time so that I could meet the commitments I had made and continue to pay against the debt that had accumulated.

We all became closer.

That was 6 years ago. I still have some remaining debt that I am paying against but my kids are fine and dandy. I have been in a very good relationship with a woman 10 years my junior with 2 kids of her own.

Life is good.

My suggestion? Find an outlet. Find someone to talk to....you are gonna need to rant from time to time. You don't always need "an answer" sometimes you just need someone to listen.

Throughout my divorce process, there were many tenuous moments. I had a spot I went to when I was angry and beat on a tree with a 2x4. When the divorce was final, I burned that in the fireplace after which we roasted marshmellows with my kids.

Life does go on.

Best of luck to you in your time of need.

[ChadTower]

It's not women, it's people.

[ChadTower]

I paid her spousal support for 2 years (which I could have fought but chose not too) as my primary focus was to "get the deal done", get my kids, and get started on recovery.

This is EXACTLY what I was talking about.  She runs off, takes all their stuff, leaves behind the debts that she ran up, abandons her children, and somehow ends up with a monthly stipend from the family she left behind.

Logically, how is that justified?

[AmericanDemon]

Yeah I can fully understand all of that.  I mean she loves me when she leaves and doesnt care when she returns.  It really sucks..... 

Yes, I did keep up the house and even took care of her mom while she was gone.  Luckily we do not have kids.

[ChadTower]

Yeah I can fully understand all of that.

[Raleigh]

Sorry to hear, just hang in there and embrase the possitives that are still in your life.

I am actually in the later stages of my divorce.  My wife moved out in May and said she wanted a divorce, no conseling or chance of reconciliation.  Next month we go to court and sign the final papers.

Obviously different circumstances but same ending.  Both my dad and sister passed away last year which put a strain on myself and our marriage.  I had to deal (and still deal) with a huge estate that is 350 miles away which meant I was away for long weekends and other times.  She was having her own struggles with working in a job that was very under her college and skill level as well as some other things.  In April she started a very good job and decided that she didn't need me anymore.

It's been tough on me, especially since I moved out here soley for her to be close to her family.   In the four years I lived out here I spent all my time working and with her and her family and such, so now besides a few people from work I have no friends/conections out here.  I basically survive the work week to head back to Illinois to visit with friends and whats left of my family.  I always wanted to move back to Illinois, but between having a good job out here and a nice home and loosing two of the biggest reasons for wanting to move back last year, I've decided to stay around here for at least a year or two and go from there.

Anyway, just wanted to say keep yourself very busy and surrounded by those who do care for you.  It is not an easy or fun process to go through.

[mr.Curmudgeon]

wow... this reenforces my theory that women cannot be trusted with anything... ill be damned before i get into a long term thing with a woman anytime soon

No...no..no. Don't extrapolate that from this situation. It's just as likely that the huge emotional turmoil suffered from a combat situation completely changed her perspective on life and loved ones. Can't be sure, but it happens...frequently.

During WWII, German soldiers were known to leave the front and NEVER return home to their families. Some were quoted as saying they had no emotions left and couldn't stand to see their "past lives" living before them (as in family). They simply become MIA, presumed dead.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, because it could be just as likely that she was simply unfaithful. I'm just trying to point out that there are possibly many other things at play here.

Either way, the most difficult part of the whole thing for AD may be keeping himself from becoming jaded. It'll be hard to trust again...at least for a while. So be careful about spreading the "women suck" meme. It just reinforces that potential bitterness.

mrC

[fredster]

Demon,

You are probably much better off cleaning the slate asap.

The longer it draws out the worse it will be.

There are more women in the world. Maybe next time you'll find one that doesn't flip on you like this one.

Hang in there, it could be worse.

[SteveJ34]

I paid her spousal support for 2 years (which I could have fought but chose not too) as my primary focus was to "get the deal done", get my kids, and get started on recovery.

This is EXACTLY what I was talking about.  She runs off, takes all their stuff, leaves behind the debts that she ran up, abandons her children, and somehow ends up with a monthly stipend from the family she left behind.

Logically, how is that justified?

You are correct. It was not justified.

It was a decisioning process I went through and presented the easiest way to "get the deal done" at the time.

It was further evidence of how screwed up her priorities in life had become.

I tend to operate my life from the perspective of moving forward and not spending energies on "fighting negatives".

You want the "stuff"....take the "stuff". I can always get new "stuff".

You want me to give you some money for a period of time in exchange for not spending money on lawyers and fighting over custody of the kids? Sure, I can likely agree to that.

Having full control over my life, my house, and my children without having to deal with her B.S. anymore was worth far more than coins she received from my perspective.

And its amazing how quickly time passes. And time heals wounds.

[SteveJ34]

wow... this reenforces my theory that women cannot be trusted with anything...  ill be damned before i get into a long term thing with a woman anytime soon

Some can.

You just gotta remember to think with the right head.

[ChadTower]

And yet, your kids end up doing without because she wanted subsidy of a new lifestyle without them.  That's just wrong.

I'm not questioning your decision, I'm criticizing hers.  People like that need to be put on a bus and driven off a cliff.

[fredster]

Wow Chad, you are almost at 4000!

[ChadTower]

Holy crap, don't want my 4000th post to be about some scheming wench who abandoned her children and husband and stole all their stuff.

Damn, too late.

[tommy]

Wow Chad, you are almost at 4000!

LMAO, fredster , thankyou. 

[conseit68]

my 2 cents...

i was recently divorced...one child. i was tore a new ass by the judge since i didn't have all of my paperwork in order. so rule number one would be to keep every discretion of hers on record (paper). rule number two would be not to believe for one moment that the ex will help to make things "easy"...because it's a lie, i don't care how much she loved you or how long you were together. and the final rule and this is the most important...NO ONE PERSON IS WORTH BEATING YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE WALL AND BEING DEPRESSED. MOVE ON AND FIND SOMEONE THAT WILL TREAT YOU RIGHT!!!

hope things go ok and if you need anything call me 240-417-5435, i don't care if you know me or not, i will do whatever i can.

Matt

[RayB]

Don't leave the house. Make her leave. If you leave the house and let her live in it, you'll be screwed in the end (legal stuff--I don't know the specific details but basically you screw yourself out of certain rights if you "move out"). Make this very clear. This was her decision, she needs to find a place to stay. As hard as it is, you gotta look out for number 1 (YOU).

[ChadTower]

I love how Ray has to specify who #1 is... sadly, he's right to do so.

[Clonedsheep]

Demon, My first wife came to me one day and told me she could not handle being married. I was the one working ---my bottom--- off and putting all I had in my marriage. I thought that with love and dedication I would be fine. I was wrong. I found out she was cheating behind my back and had a totally different way of thinking about marriage. I was sick to my stomach. After trying to patch things up over a course of 6 months I realized that I could not look @ her the same way. We were constantly fighting and it was ugly. When it was too much and she told me she was done. I grabbed my computer and a bag of clothes and that was it. I went to my friends house and couch and spilled it all to my buddy. He was cool and listened for about 2 hours. It did take me a while to get over all of it. It still hurt for a few months. What was cool is that I got to date again and experience what it is to date in an age bracket that I was new too. It is going to be an ugly ride. I will not lie to you. In the end you will be OK. Life is the scariest movie you will ever see.

 Bottom line starting over is possible. I only took the 2 things I wrote. nothing else the TV, The fridge or anything.

 Please don't try to give her most of all you have to show her that you are really a nice guy.

[shmokes]

And yet, your kids end up doing without because she wanted subsidy of a new lifestyle without them.  That's just wrong.

I'm not questioning your decision, I'm criticizing hers.  People like that need to be put on a bus and driven off a cliff.

Once again I have to question your logic Chad. 

Why waste a perfectly good bus?

[ChadTower]

Once again I have to question your logic Chad.

[AmericanDemon]

Don't leave the house. Make her leave. If you leave the house and let her live in it, you'll be screwed in the end (legal stuff--I don't know the specific details but basically you screw yourself out of certain rights if you "move out"). Make this very clear. This was her decision, she needs to find a place to stay. As hard as it is, you gotta look out for number 1 (YOU).

Its not so much that I am moving out, she is also.  We had planned to move into a new house together when she got home.  Well, now shes moving into it with her mother.  I on the other hand have got a great bunch of friends, everyone here is included.  I'm staying with them till I can get re-established.  I am most likely going to go back to school for Business. 

I know that she hasnt cheated on me.  I can tell when she lies and she isnt.  The part that hurts the worst is, I know shes not lying when she told me she had no interest in our life together any more. 

She started to wonder what her life would have been like had she not met me nor married me.  She thought about it for 6 months.  I never even had a chance.

I just got to my current dwelling after having dropped off a list of things I wanted.  Luckily for me, she agreed to them.  Heh, at least my roomies will benefit from my HDTV and massive game collection. 

It is kind of exciting again.  I can now look and flirt and date with anyone I want.  I no longer have to worry about anyone but good ol number 1. 

I'm going to be 25 on August 4th.  Its an odd birthday gift, but she gave me a new start.  I will always love her, she is a different person now.  Maybe one day she will realize the mistake she has made.  Perhaps she will be too late to fix it. 

Its always a single day at a time and if I dwell too much on it, then I become a hollow shell of a man living with people who can't get the courage to tell me to get out. 

I miss her tremendously, but in 15 years this is going to be just "one of those" experiences.  What doesnt kill me.... makes me infinitely stronger.

[RayB]

I'm going to be 25 on August 4th.

[Clonedsheep]

It is kind of exciting again.

[TheVengeance]

Don't leave the house. Make her leave. If you leave the house and let her live in it, you'll be screwed in the end (legal stuff--I don't know the specific details but basically you screw yourself out of certain rights if you "move out"). Make this very clear. This was her decision, she needs to find a place to stay. As hard as it is, you gotta look out for number 1 (YOU).

Its not so much that I am moving out, she is also.

[ChadTower]

He's just entering the age bracket where women are the hunters.  I see it all the time, even with my wedding ring, chicks my age (30) are predators.  They're all evaluating guys far more aggressively than they were, as their clocks are ticking, their looks are fading, and they're still not married. 

Have fun with it, dude, and make sure you get it on video.

[daywane]

been there. The big "D" stinks
dated 2 years, married for 2 years, divorce took 2 years
Kids involved big blood bath

18 years later child support paid off, been with 2ND wife 15 years and very happy.
her (1st wife) plumped out big time, spitting kids out left and right. miserable life

ain't Carma a mother

[conseit68]

25...young

[ChadTower]

25...young