THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES OF 2004: 
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter 
[Imagine that!] 
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 
[No, really?] 
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 
[Now that's taking things a bit far!] 
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!] 
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 
[What a guy!] 
Miners Refuse to Work after Death 
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!] 
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!] 
War Dims Hope for Peace 
[I can see where it might have that effect!] 
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 
[You think?] 
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 
[Who would have thought!] 
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 
[They may be on to something!] 
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges ! 
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?] 
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge 
[he probably IS the battery charge!] 
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 
[Weren't they fat enough?!] 
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!] 
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 
[Taste like chicken?] 
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!] 
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 
[Boy, are they tall!] 
And the winner is.... 
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead