Just tossed my wife out of the house

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pbj:
I think you should sell the ---smurfette---'s car and buy yourself a cool guitar.

TopJimmyCooks:
Stay strong bro.

dkersten:
Relationships are work, even more so after you get married, and times ten when you have kids. But human nature is to lean toward complacency, which I believe is why so many marriages fail.

So many people stick to bad relationships and make it worse by getting married or having kids, thinking that commitment or responsibility will make it all better. It doesn't. The fear of starting over, or being alone, can be enough to keep people in a relationship where they are lying to themselves about being happy. Add money and kids to the equation and many feel trapped and see divorce as the worst possible outcome, even though it would probably make their life better in the end.

In my opinion, if the person you are with is making you miserable, then all the trying in the world is not going to change it. Cut the cord and start over.

There are no easy answers, and no "one size fits all" solution. In my case, looking back over the 18 years I was married, I feel like my life was "in neutral" for all that time. Once free of the series of mistakes that led me to marriage, I got to experience true happiness for the first time in my life. About a year after my divorce, I took my middle daughter to lunch with me and the woman I was dating at the time. Halfway through lunch my daughter looked at me and said "Dad, I think this is the first time I have ever seen you laugh." She was 16 years old at the time, and had never seen me laugh. What the hell kind of life was I living while married?

Divorce is not all good though, and being single when you are older can really suck. And keep in mind, ANY relationship takes effort, compromise, and usually change as well. Every time you start over you need to start completely clean with no assumptions (harder to do than you think, especially after being married), and it can take years in a relationship before you will know if it will work in the longer term, so all that effort can be wasted. And even if your marriage was keeping you from being happy, going from being miserable to being happy can be bad too, because with extreme highs come extreme lows. The lows can break a person (it nearly broke me).

You have to be completely honest with yourself, which means stripping away the comfort of your current life and asking yourself some hard questions.

If you decide you love your wife and want to get her to fall in love with you again, then you need to commit fully to it. It will most likely require you to change. If you are going to wait for her to change first before committing to anything, then good luck, it didn't work out for me. If you think you are not the problem and she just needs to see things from your perspective (or get off the meds), then you need to go see a lawyer right now, and run, don't walk because you are wasting your time and you aren't getting any younger.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and sincerely hope that you find happiness in whatever path you choose.

CheffoJeffo:
Ed -- so very sorry to hear what is happening. I won't offer any wise words regarding relationships as so much of the advice I have ever received in that vein has been wrong. As has much of the advice I have given.

One area when I will offer some thought has to do with depression and medication. Mental illness and the myriad treatments can be really hard to decipher and harder to deal with. I presume there was a reason that your wife started taking ADs beyond merely feeling sad (since that isn't what depression is). Medication is tricky and, in my experience, can take years to get right. It needs to be actively monitored and adjusted, preferably by someone like a Pharmapsychiatrist who has extensive experience and can "get to the right" solution more quickly. I would recommend a large grain of salt regarding advice from laypeople who understand neither the illness nor the treatments (this layperson included).

However things unfold, I wish you the best.

Be well.
:cheers:

eds1275:

--- Quote from: pbj on April 14, 2016, 10:08:24 am ---I think you should sell the ---smurfette---'s car and buy yourself a cool guitar.

--- End quote ---

I already have the raddest guitar ever, a gibson custom shop flying V with a les paul neck.

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