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Main => Everything Else => Topic started by: markrvp on November 18, 2005, 02:24:58 pm
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Let's keep this going . . . .
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ....
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
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A man sitting next to a beautiful blonde on a plane looked over to see
her seemingly in shock from the headline in the newspaper she was
holding, which read "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed in Riots."
He asks, "Are you okay?"
She turned toward him and with trembling voice asked, "How many is a
brazillian?"
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She turned toward him and with trembling voice asked, "How many is a
brazillian?"
HA.
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A lady walks up to the checkout stand at the grocery store with a gallon of milk, a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and 2 candy bars. The man in line in front of her says, "Pardon me, but you're single aren't you?"
She says, "Why yes, how did you figure that out."
He says, "Because you're so damn ugly."
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A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot annouces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Here you go, you crazy ---smurfette---, iron this."
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Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing
BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK!
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A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school.
"Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
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I got a new car radio yesterday and it is terrific.
If I say "Rock" it plays rock and roll.
If I say "Rap" it plays rap.
If I say "Love" it plays love songs.
Three kids ran out in front of the car and I said "F *#^ing kids!"
And it played Michael Jackson.
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pics of the above?
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pics of the above?
(http://entertainment.tv.yahoo.com/images/ent/ap/20050404/la303_jackson_michael_jackson_trial.sff.jpg)
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one more post up.
so abraham and mordechai are walking down the street and they see a sign above a church that says, "convert to christianity, make 50 bucks."
abraham says to mordechai, "mort, check it out. i should do that."
mordechai responds, "abe, you'd forsake our lord?"
abe says, "it's for 50 bucks, though!"
a week later mort sees abe walking down the street and says, "hey abe, how was the conversion? did you actually do it for 50 bucks?"
abe replies, "is that all you people think about?"
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pics of the above?
(http://entertainment.tv.yahoo.com/images/ent/ap/20050404/la303_jackson_michael_jackson_trial.sff.jpg)
I'm sure something like this fit the joke better ;)
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he only asked for pics of the above he didn't specify which MJ pictures he wanted ::)
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he only asked for pics of the above he didn't specify which MJ pictures he wanted ::)
He didn't specify he wanted MJ pictures at all. *I* read it as he wanted to see pictures of a blonde with naked 36Cs.
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.
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Q: What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a sorority track team?
A: A tribe of pygmies is a bunch of cunning little runts. A sorority track team is a bunch of running little . . .
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What did one lesbian frog say to the other one?
"We really do taste like chicken."
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What do you all a gay dinosaur? A mega-SORE-ass
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lotta-puss.
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What's the most important question in practicing safe sex ?
"Where is your husband ?"
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What's the most important question in practicing safe sex ?
"Where is your husband ?"
On a related note . . .
How do you make your wife scream during sex? Call her up and tell her where you are.
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How do you make your wife scream during sex?
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I got this email yesterday.
A QUICK BEER BEFORE IT STARTS
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts".
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??"
The husband sighed. "Oh ---steaming pile of meadow muffin---, it's started."
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Did you guys hear Ellen DeGeneres died? She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
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American Dr's vs Chinese Dr's
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his p3nis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc!"
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there is no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your p3nis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his p3nis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease."
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my p3nis."
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to cut, cut, cut, Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. It fall off by itself! You save money":
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whats the same between blonds and airplanes?
they both have black boxes.
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What's the most important question in practicing safe sex ?
"Where is your husband ?"
On a related note . . .
How do you make your wife scream during sex?
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whats the same between blonds and airplanes?
they both have black boxes.
What do blondes and computers have in common?
You don't appreciate either one until they go down on you.
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So there's this couple watching a drama when the wife asks her husband "well, what do you think, will they finally marry ?"
"sure honey. these films always have a bad ending"
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A woman says to her husband "you know that your future daughter in law is a whore ?"
"That's her problem"
"You know she's betraying your son ?"
"His problem"
"So you'd better know that I know you're sleeping with her"
"My problem"
"Yes, but what about me ?"
"Your problem"
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lotta-puss.
platypus is an extant mammal, not a dinosaur...
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
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it should be lick-a-lot-a-PUSS, if you wrote mega-SORE-ass. i thought all dinosaurs were soreass, but i guess not.
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platypus is an extant mammal, not a dinosaur...
it should be lick-a-lot-a-PUSS, if you wrote mega-SORE-ass. i thought all dinosaurs were soreass, but i guess not.
(http://stingraysmadness.com/EE/images/smiles/tool.gif)
And to think, we weren't sure if c64 had a brother ::)
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thanks, your mom said the same thing about me.
son of a b---. they do exist.
Acanthopholis platypus (1)
DESCRIBER
Seeley,1869 partim
TIME
Cretaceous Early
Albian
CLASSIFICATION
Ornithischia Thyreophora Eurypoda Ankylosauria Nodosauridae
DIET
Herbivore
FOSSILSITE
Cambridgehire (Cambridge Green sand Formations) England
FALL UNDER
ACANTHOPHOLIS
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so a man walks into a bar and goes, "bartender, 2 beers. my brother and i used to come in here every friday and drink before he died, so one of these is for him..."
the man does the same thing for a few months, and then he walks in one night and says, "bartender, 3 beers." the bartender goes, "man, i'm so sorry."
the man replies, "na, 2 of these are for me."
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thanks, your mom said the same thing about me.
With the replies you've had so far, that comment equates to begging to write a term paper for the cool kids so they don't beat your ass. You're crapping up a perfectly crappy thread that didn't need a peanut-&-corn-infested steamer from you.
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would you have preferred something like:
thanks, your mom enjoys the tool as well.
thanks, but i don't want me in your head like that.
thanks, i have been working on that lately.
thanks, i was waiting for the punchline.
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
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wow, you dugup that picture just for me :'(
i wish i could return the favor. let me whip something up in photoshop.
(http://img352.imageshack.us/img352/6484/jacksonclapping13vi.png)
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The sad thing is NONE of your replies are funny, even when you're trying to figure out how a suck-ass might respond.
My money is on MrC telling him he's funny, and him believing it.
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lmfao. that last part was funny. i am laughing way too hard to think of anything unfunny to say. you got lucky.
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Good night, boys. Let's play again tomorrow.
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lotta-puss.
platypus is an extant mammal, not a dinosaur...
Good thing the joke wasn't about a platypus.
it's a shame i posted this a couple minutes before googling any dinosaur lists, and then i saw your reply right when i was deleting it. isn't there a 5-minute grace period to delete dumb posts?
but the post right after that still stands for the parallelism of the two dinosaur joke spellings.
and that third post meant to be edited into the second, but i stuck it in with the your mom joke.
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I guess someone has to say it. Might as well be me.
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as long as their seats and walls are covered with syrup too, i'm in.
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who's the most popular person at a nudist colony?
the guy carrying two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.
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This is not funny
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A jew, a black man, a priest, and a rooster walk into a bar.
Bartender asks "What is this, a joke?"
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A man walks into a bar and says "ouch!"
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A Commodore 64 walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Bartender says "That'll be $2.00"
Computer says "But I've only got 8 bits!"
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As I was walking to school one day, I decided to take a shortcut through the woods, even though I wasn't supposed to, and I saw two kids standing behind a tree talking about purple spaghetti.
I was curious, but needed to get to school, so off I went.
As I was sitting in class, my curiosity was starting to get the better of me, so I asked my friend:
"As I was walking to school today, I decided to take a shortcut through the woods, even though I wasn't supposed to, and I saw two kids standing behind a tree talking about purple spaghetti. Do you know any thing about purple spaghetti?"
My friend says "Purple spaghetti? You'd better ask the teacher."
So, I go up to the teacher, and ask:
"As I was walking to school one day, I decided to take a shortcut through the woods, even though I wasn't supposed to, and I saw two kids standing behind a tree talking about purple spaghetti. So, I asked a friend, and he told me to ask you. Do you know any thing about purple spaghetti?"
My teacher says "Purple spaghetti? You go to the principals office NOW!"
So, I go up to the principals office. He finally calls me in and asks what the problem is. So, I ask:
"As I was walking to school one day, I decided to take a shortcut through the woods, even though I wasn't supposed to, and I saw two kids standing behind a tree talking about purple spaghetti. I asked my friend, he told me to ask the teacher, teacher sent me to you. Do you know any thing about purple spaghetti?"
The principal says "Purple spaghetti? You'd better go home! We don't tolerate that here."
So, I walk home. Mom wants to know why I'm home early, so I start again:
"As I was walking to school one day, I decided to take a shortcut through the woods, even though I wasn't supposed to, and I saw two kids standing behind a tree talking about purple spaghetti. I asked a friend, he told me to ask the teacher, the teacher sent me to the principal, he sent me home. Do you know any thing about purple spaghetti?"
My mom says "Purple spaghetti? You go up to your room and wait for your father to get home!"
So, I go up to my room and wait. Dad finally comes home, and asks what the problem is:
"As I was walking to school one day, I decided to take a shortcut through the woods, even though I wasn't supposed to, and I saw two kids standing behind a tree talking about purple spaghetti. I asked a friend, he told me to ask the teacher, teacher sent me to the principal, principal sent me home to mom, mom sent me up here to wait for you. Do you know any thing about purple spaghetti?"
My dad says "Purple spaghetti? Out! Out! I don't want someone like you living under my roof!"
So, I wandered the streets for a while. Finally I joined the army. Things were starting to look up, when the old curiosity got the better of me. I went up to my CO and asked:
"As I was walking to school one day, I decided to take a shortcut through the woods, even though I wasn't supposed to, and I saw two kids standing behind a tree talking about purple spaghetti. I asked a friend, he told me to ask teacher, the teacher sent me to the principal, the principal sent me home to my mom, my mom sent me up to my room to wait for my dad, my dad kicked me out of the house. Do you know any thing about purple spaghetti?"
My CO says "Purple spaghetti? Dishonorable discharge for you! Theres no room for people like you in the army!"
So, its back to wandering the streets. After a week or so I stopped into a psychiatrists office to see if he could help.
"Whats the problem?" asked the doctor.
I recapped the story so far.
"As I was walking to school one day, I decided to take a shortcut through the woods, even though I wasn't supposed to, and I saw two kids standing behind a tree talking about purple spaghetti. I asked a friend, he told me to ask teacher, the teacher sent me to the principal, the principal sent me home to my mom, my mom sent me up to my room to wait for my dad, my dad kicked me out of the house, I joined the army and they discharged me. Do you know any thing about purple spaghetti?"
The shrink says "Sure, I can tell you everything you want to know about purple spaghetti. C'mon, lets go to the diner across the street and have a cup of coffee."
As we were crossing the street the psychiatrist got hit by a car and died.
That, my friends, is the worst joke in history. The only way to get over the sense of personal loss of the 5 minutes it took you to read - 5 minutes you will never get back - is to memorize it and do unto others.
I've personally managed to annoy hundreds with that joke. Whats funny is when I'm telling it to a new person, the 5 or 6 others standing around to hear me rattle it off again chime in at the "Even though I wasn't supposed to" part, like a deranged chorus, which REALLY confuses the jokee.
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Oh jeez you're bored today. ;D
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Yup. That took longer to type than it takes to tell. On the other hand, noone tried to punch me for typing it.
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Yet.
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as long as their seats and walls are covered with syrup too, i'm in.
mrc will have to tell me duffjr is funny, other than that, I don't get his jokes.
Art
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Yup. That took longer to type than it takes to tell. On the other hand, noone tried to punch me for typing it.
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as long as their seats and walls are covered with syrup too, i'm in.
mrc will have to tell me duffjr is funny, other than that, I don't get his jokes.
Art
you ever eaten at ihop? otherwise, consider it an inside joke.
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old:
what's the diff between beernuts and deernuts?
beernuts are $1.99 and deernuts are always under a buck.
(now is your chance to make fun of my deer taxonomy.)
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(now is your chance to make fun of my deer taxonomy.)
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i said deer taxonomy, not the fact that i wrote deer taxonomy!
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i said deer taxonomy, not the fact that i wrote deer taxonomy!
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are you specifically setting me up for these posts?
"YOU'RE RETARDED."
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are you specifically setting me up for these posts?
"YOU'RE RETARDED."
Nah. I can't stop you from being you. ;D
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my friend called me the robot for making up stuff. i can say anything stupid about everything. you've just seen the tip of the iceberg. it's time for a sanity ban. i am a forum virus, going from forum to forum saying stupid stuff until there is nothing left.
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I think you misunderestimate your powers of stupidity.
Buck up little camper, yooo kon doooo eeeeeeet!
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well, i did just learn how to pee outside the other day, so you may be right.
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short bus... ;D
snicker snicker
I liked it.
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Merry X-mas Muhauhauha
(http://img206.imageshack.us/img206/4200/whatthefuck4fw.jpg)
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that is SO.... wrong in so many ways
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Yeah, a wild cat with a perm. :P
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D GREAT ONE
Once upon a time there was a magical frog who lived all by himself in a lake.
One day he ventured outside and the first creatures he saw were a bear and a rabbit.
The frog said "I am a magical frog, and since you are the first creatures I see, I'm going to grant each of you three wishes."
The bear said "I want every bear in the forest to be a female, except me", and so it was.
The rabbit said "I want a helmet".
The frog and bear were a bit surprised but the wish was granted.
The bear said "I wish that all bears on nearby forests to be females also", and so it was.
The rabbit said "I want a motorcycle"
The bear and frog were surprised, since the rabbit could have asked for money, and buy the bike, but the wish was granted
The bear said "I wish that all the bears in the world to be females except me.", and so it was.
The rabbit put on his helmet, climbed on the bike and said "I wish for the bear to be GAY", and sped away.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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:P
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Merry X-mas Muhauhauha
that is way disturbing...
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i know ive done this one before, but comedy gold is forever:
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the Gary Coleman t-shirt?".
Thankyou. You won't see me perform here again. Don't forget to feed the waitress or something...
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Manute Bull walks into a bar and says, "The highballs are on me."
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One day this guy is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. He goes to the door, and nobody is there.
The doorbell rings a second time, he checks, and nobody is there again.
A third time, and as he is checking outside the door, he notices a snail on the ground. He picks it up, and throws it as far as he can out of frustration.
Three years later, the doorbell rings, and he checks again. The snail is there again, and says, "What the hell was THAT all about?"
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One day, a gorilla in the jungle sees his enemy, the tiger. He decides to play a little trick on it.
So, he sneaks up behind it, and gives it a quick poke and starts running before the tiger knows what happened to him.
The tiger starts chasing the gorilla, and while the gorilla is running, he notices a guy on a safari. He kills him, and takes his clothes and other items. He puts on the clothes, and holds a newspaper in front of his face.
The tiger catches up to him, and asks, "Hey, have you seen a gorilla go by recently?"
The gorilla says from behind the paper, "You mean the one that banged the tiger in the ass?"
The tiger says, "Holy ---Cleveland steamer---! It's in the paper already?"