Work Memo

[SithMaster]

Subject: Retirement

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Retirement and Training Policies

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we
have forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under a new plan, older
employees will be asked to go on an early retirement, thus permitting the
retention younger people who will represent our future plans.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. The
program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Employees who are RAPEd
will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company,
and provided that they are being RAPEd, they can request a review of their
employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the
operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been RAPEd or SCREWed may file an appeal with upper
management. This will be known as SHAFT (Study of Higher Authority Following
Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPEd once,
SCREWed twice, but SHAFTed as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If the employee follows the above procedure he, or she, will be entitled to
receive HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). As
HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no
longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the company.

In addition, management wishes to assure the youngest employees who remain
on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees
are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (---steaming pile of meadow muffin---). The
company takes pride in the amount of ---steaming pile of meadow muffin--- our employees receive. We have given our
employees more ---steaming pile of meadow muffin--- than any other company in the area. If any employee feels
he, or she, does not receive enough ---steaming pile of meadow muffin--- on the job, please see your
immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive
all the ---steaming pile of meadow muffin--- you can stand.

Employees who don't voluntarily take ---steaming pile of meadow muffin--- will nonetheless be placed on the
---steaming pile of meadow muffin--- list and be enrolled in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs
(DEEP----steaming pile of meadow muffin---). Those who fail to take DEEP----steaming pile of meadow muffin--- seriously will have to go to Employee
Attitude Training (EAT----steaming pile of meadow muffin---). Since our managers took ---steaming pile of meadow muffin--- before they were
promoted, they don't have to do ---steaming pile of meadow muffin--- anymore, and are full of ---steaming pile of meadow muffin--- already.
If an employee is unable to grasp the concepts of ---steaming pile of meadow muffin---, he or she will be put
on the Opportunities Halted probationary list (OH----steaming pile of meadow muffin---).

If you are full of ---steaming pile of meadow muffin---, you may be interested in a job training others. We
can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (BULL----steaming pile of meadow muffin---). Those
who are full of BULL----steaming pile of meadow muffin--- will get ---steaming pile of meadow muffin--- jobs, and can apply for promotion to
Director of Intensity Programming (DIP----steaming pile of meadow muffin---).
 
There is currently an opening for Treasurer of the Organization for Us
Giving Hell (TOUGH----steaming pile of meadow muffin---). If you have further questions, please direct them to our
Head of Training, Special High Intensity Training (HOT----steaming pile of meadow muffin---). For students
who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will
refer you to the Department of Managerial Operational Research Education
(MORE----steaming pile of meadow muffin---). This course has its emphasis on how to manage MORE----steaming pile of meadow muffin---.

If you graduate to the top of our list by taking all the ---steaming pile of meadow muffin--- that is given
to you, you may qualify for our supervisor's program known as Comprehensive
Remedial Advisory Panel (CRAP). You too can be a member of management. Simply
take all the ---steaming pile of meadow muffin--- you can and you can look forward to additional CRAP when
you reach the top. Any employee who has the initiative and drive to take both
---steaming pile of meadow muffin--- and CRAP can count on being one of the elite.

Also, our company is offering, for a limited time only, the chance for you,
the ordinary employee, to try for Action Supervisors Staff Handling Our Loyal
Employees (---uvula---). So work hard and you will find that the more ---steaming pile of meadow muffin--- you
take and the more CRAP you can handle may qualify you as an ---uvula--- and, one
day, maybe even the Director of Intensity Programming (DIP----steaming pile of meadow muffin---).

Thank you,

Boss in General,
Special High Intensity Training (BIG----steaming pile of meadow muffin---)

Copy to:
Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand;
Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCKOF----steaming pile of meadow muffin---)

[boykster]

 

[Blanka]

Well, we were planning this, and we rougly copied this text. Thanks!

[Malenko]

first 4 or 5 paragraphs were funny, then they just used the word ---steaming pile of meadow muffin--- too much and it got very chaddy very fast

[ark_ader]

Sorry I'm more subtle.

I throw you a great job at work party, give you a nice bonus, then fire you.

Don't you just love Right To Work Policies.