Well.
Its been 14 months to the day since Laura was pronounced. She would b the 1st 1 to say that everyone grieves differently, at different times & for different amounts of time, & that no one has the wisdom, training, or even the right, to tell anyone else how that should unfold.
I'll never b completely over this. But I think I've come a long way. I still sleep with the baby monitor on, & a phone on the nightstand with 911 speed prepped. & I still replay those last few terrible moments of her life in my mind from time to time. But if the monitor's batteries die during the night, I don't immediately get up, check on H', & go for fresh batteries. We've created new lives/routines for ourselves. Our practical problems aren't over yet--finances are still an issue, but I'm working on it, & the future that way doesn't look as grim as it did. We've got a sort-of tenant in our basement--sort of in that the basement isn't an apartment yet, but with my tenant/friend's help, & the reduced rent hes paying at present, our savings will, I hope, carry us until the work's done & we can get it rented out properly for an amount that can sustain us.
I hope.Its harder to tell with H', but I
think hes come a long way, too. We still talk about mommy, but its more remembering things we did than what happened to her in the end. Hes adjusted well to going to public school, made friends & has new hobbies & activities. Hes still eating--I think our tube feed days r over (if he makes it to March, we'll b talking to the doctor about removing his g-tube). All bets r off as to what his future holds, but it was always that way.
I do not think we will ever understand what happened on that night 14 months ago. I still say her airway swelled shut, despite all odds. In the back on my mind I continue to watch for possible causes around our house--mold, toxins, anything that might cause an allergic reaction (I don't think thats what happened, but since we don't know...) & I watch H', in case this might b something hereditary (again, that seems unlikely, as no one else in either of our families ever displayed any symptoms similar to Laura's swelling, but...).
I had thought, when I started this post, that I was using it to say good bye. I see now that its not yet time. It probably never will b, completely. I should know better. I learned a lot about death & dying from my wife, who forgot more about it than most of us will ever know. Had she lived, I'm convinced she would have revolutionized the way we think & deal with what's coming for all of us (no exaggeration). But perhaps this is the beginning of my good bye.
I want again, to thank all my friends here, who have given so much support & encouragement, even to the point of talking of building my 'white elephant' for me. After some initial excitement about that prospect, I realized that if I allowed that, I would always feel I cheated myself, & took advantage of you. I will, however, beg for & I'm sure receive a lot of assistance as I bring my cab dream to life. I may even require some spoon feeding of instructions. lol. I hope u will continue to b patient with me.
To all of u,